omnimom Berry Juice profile image

Twins: They might not always be two peas in a pod

posted by: omnimom View all posts by this author

by Lauren Apfel of omnimom.net

I recently did a segment on HuffPost Live about multiples. It was a conversation among six women, each of whom had been touched by twins in some way. Of the six, two were a set of twins themselves, utterly lovely and unambiguously delighted with their twinhood. The point of the show was to discuss the challenges inherent in having two babies at the same time, but the presence of these two adults turned the table on the argument: raising twins is a different creature from being a twin.

I find this heartening. And also worrying. The unique bond that twins potentially share is the carrot dangling in front of the flummoxed parent of multiples. For me, as the mother of two two-year-olds, it is the prize looming in the distance, visible yet slightly out of reach. The difficulty of having twins is front-loaded. You stumble through the incapacitating pregnancy, the early months of sleeplessness, the first years of snatching and biting in the hope that it will give way to something grander: a relationship more intimate, a relationship more profound than the one between consecutively spaced siblings. 

Does it always work out like this?

Every pair of twins is distinctive, just like every singleton, but there are two broad categories into which they all must fall: identical or fraternal. Identical twins come from a split embryo. They may have small variances in appearance, in face shape, in height, but their genetic make-up is fundamentally the same. Fraternal (or sororal) twins, on the other hand, arise from two separate eggs and two separate sperm. They are as different from – or as similar to – one another as any siblings can be. Their twinhood is contingent not on a commonality of DNA but on the fact that their mother happened to ovulate twice. Or on the fact that more than one embryo was transferred into the uterus of a woman undergoing fertility treatment.

Our fascination with twindom – with the special languages it inspires, with its mirror-images and tricks on teachers – is not with the second sort of twin. It is with the first. Much of the cultural iconography of twinhood features two people who look the same. Think of The Parent Trap, for instance, of the Doublemint ads, of the Weasleys, of Mary Kate and Ashley. Think of ‘Thing one’ and ‘Thing two’, the mischievous playmates from The Cat and The Hat who make for the Halloween costumes of doublets everywhere. Dr. Seuss had a well-known interest in twins generally, but most of his literary incarnations are identical. In a recently recovered story about two such boys, Tadd and Todd, he writes:

They were so much alike, from their hair to their feet,

That people would stare when they walked down the street,

And no one, not even their own mother, knew

Which one was what one, and what one was who.

My twins don’t have this problem, they never will. They are as un-twinny as it gets. And not just because they are a boy and a girl. They have different colored eyes, different colored hair, different skin tones and completely different temperaments. They have always appeared to me – and maybe this is more revealing of my mindset than the reality of the situation – as two singletons who by chance spent nine months in my womb together.

When they were born there was no twin synergy in our house through which one baby would mystically soothe the next by its mere presence. Quite the opposite: they settled better and slept better when they were separated. The only power they seemed to hold over each other was the ability to wake one another up, even through closed doors. Now, as toddlers, they are undeniably close, but the closeness often manifests itself in violence. They fight in a way, with a frequency and ferocity of temper, that shocks me.

Is this the stuff of a ‘special’ bond?

Maybe. Intimacy is a double-edged sword. It’s not only kisses and cuddles. It’s judging weaknesses and pushing buttons and staking claims, of which my two are early masters. At this age, they do it by instinct but I imagine it will become more considered over time. They are only just beginning to have the cognitive capacity to grasp the concept of their twinness. They are only just beginning to have the words to tell me how they feel about it. When they are both demanding my attention, scrambling over each other in an effort to get to me first, I say to them: ‘But Mommy has two babies! There’s room for you both!’ Ever so rarely my daughter will concede: ‘One baby, two baby, on Mommy’s lap.’ More often, however, is my son’s response: ‘NO! No twins!’

The distinction between identical and fraternal twins raises the question of what the ‘special’ bond between them is based on. Is it the shared genes or is it the constant presence of a same-aged sibling? Is there something a parent can do to encourage it or does it blossom – or fail to blossom – on its own despite external influences? Wouldn’t we love to know. You can’t choose what kind of twins you have any more than you can choose to have twins in the first place. Nor can you choose how your twins will react to the fact that they have a partner for childhood. As Dr Seuss’ tale unfolds:

Now Todd (on the right) was the happier one.

He thought being twins was a whole lot of fun.

He liked it ’cause no one

could tell him from Tadd.

But Tadd (on the left) . . .

well, it made him quite sad,

So Tadd (on the left side) one day said to Todd,

“I don’t want to be like two peas in a pod!”

Peas in a pod is exactly the image I picked for my twins’ birth announcement. It represents everything magical and harmonious about having two babies at the same time. I am increasingly aware, though, that it is a wish and not a given.

This blog appeared originally at www.omnimom.net.

Lauren Apfel is originally from New York, but now lives in Glasgow, Scotland. A classicist turned stay-at-home mom of four, she writes regularly at www.omnimom.net. Find her on Twitter and Facebook.

NEWS FLASH!  To celebrate the opening of the brand new Nameberry Store, we’re giving away a copy of an exclusively-designed Nameberry art print featuring your child’s name and birthdate.  To enter, like us on Facebook and then send us an email at contest@nameberry.com to tell us so.  If you’re already our friend on Facebook, ask one of your friends to like us and then send both your names and email addresses to contest@nameberry.com.

There’s more!  We’re giving away something new every day this week.  For up-to-the-minute announcements, sign up for our newsletter or check in for updates on each day’s blog.

Subscribe to our newsletter

* indicates required
omnimom Berry Juice profile image

About the author

omnimom

Lauren Apfel is originally from New York, but now lives in Glasgow, Scotland. A classicist turned stay-at-home mom of four (including twins), she writes regularly at www.omnimom.net and is a contributing blogger for Brain, Child Magazine. Connect with her on Facebook (www.facebook.com/omnimom) and Twitter (www.twitter.com/laurenapfel).
View all of omnimom's articles View all Berry Juice Bloggers

comments

7 Responses to “Twins: They might not always be two peas in a pod”

You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.

MaeBear24 Says:

May 21st, 2013 at 1:32 am

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen have actually said in numerous interviews that genetically they at fraternal twins, not identical. They apparently just happened to look very alike, exactly how siblings sometimes do!

alzora Says:

May 21st, 2013 at 6:46 am

I am a fraternal twin, and my relationship with my twin sister is exactly the same as my relationship with our other two sisters. We are all FOUR very close, and our twinhood makes no difference. We do not, as many people ask us, have ESP or special intuitions when the other twin is hurt, any more than other siblings would have for each other. The only advantage that my twin and I have that our other sisters do not is a completely shared history–always being in the same class, always hitting milestones together, always sharing a birthday party. Despite all that, I still would not consider myself any closer to my twin than I am to my older or younger sister.

niteowl13 Says:

May 21st, 2013 at 12:08 pm

My husband is a twin. The have gone to the same stores at the same time sometimes and not known the other was there. It’s pretty funny.
I thought the article would be about matchy or un-matchy names. My husband has a typical 80s name Jason and his brother has an older name Neil.

shinysarah11 Says:

May 21st, 2013 at 6:52 pm

My sister and I are identical twins. We are extremely close, have our own “language” and couldn’t live without each other. Our father is a fraternal twin, but he and his brother have no relationship at all and are not close at all.

My sister and I can tell what the other is saying or thinking, we chose the same clothes or accessories without knowing it and living far apart and have a ton in common with movies, books, tv, music, etc. We have an older brother who has nothing near the same relationship with either of us. I couldn’t imagine my life without her. I feel often it’s like taking myself, splitting it into another person and I’m talking to myself in another body. It’s a very unique relationship. I know a lot of other twins feel the same way, but I’m glad we have our own identities too.

Her name is Laura and mine is Sarah, which (since this is a name site) my mom was kind enough not to chose rhyming names, although they are popular 80’s names. I would hate being Sarah and Cara or Laura and Maura. How cruel!! My dad and his brother are Ronald and Donald. Ewww!! Nothing is nice about twins names that rhyme.

RedRobin Says:

May 21st, 2013 at 8:34 pm

I know a set of identical twins named Tysa and Chelsea and although they say that they don’t act alike, the actually do.

Tuitree Says:

May 21st, 2013 at 8:42 pm

As a fraternal twin, I think the hardest part is always being compared to one another. Mum always tried to insure we had different hobbies and interests but other people always assumed we liked/ were good at the same things. It made us probably try harder to separate ourselves from one another.
in our teenage years I was the last to know if she had a new boyfriend etc. now we have our own sets of friends and totally different lives (vet nurse vs stay at home mum ex retail/ art history grad) but she is one of my best friends. I guess our bond is close sisterly, not your tv styled inseparable twin thing.

emmeandelise Says:

July 21st, 2013 at 10:48 am

My wife and I have fraternal boy/girl twins aged 5. The twins are close, and love each other very much. Heck, they even look the same! However, they are completely different people. They like different things, have different dreams, but that makes their playtime all the more fun, no? We let them be, and don’t link them together because they are Individual people on their own, and as parents we need to respect them, their styles an temperaments. They’ve got two older siblings a boy and a girl as well, and they get along as well. I think it’s the way you don’t link the kids that makes them more interested in what their twin or sibling likes! When that happens, you’ve got a happy home!

leave a reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.