How I Named My Baby: Kilmer Dove
Bethany C. Meyers, founder and CEO of the be.come project, and Nico Tortorella, an actor who starred in TV's Younger, based on the novel by Nameberry creator Pamela Redmond, live in Weehawken, New Jersey with their daughter Kilmer Dove.
Kilmer was born on March 5, 2023. Here, Bethany and Nico share how they named their little girl.
Tell me Kilmer’s name story!
Bethany:
My grandfather’s name is Ezra Vaughn Kilmer. I thought those were really strong names and always wanted to use one of them for a child.
But, of course, you have to run it by your other person and figure out who we know with that name, and if it’s been tainted for us in one way or another. So Ezra was out, Vaughn was out, and we were left with Kilmer.
We kept thinking about it and eventually were like, “Man, a little girl named Kilmer, Kils, Killy would be so spunky!” We liked Kilmer even before we started trying to get pregnant, and it just stuck. As soon as we found out we were having a girl, we knew she was Kilmer.
How did you choose her middle name, Dove?
Nico:
Tortorella means “turtle dove” in Italian, and doves have always been a symbol for us. When we got pregnant, there was a dove that came to our back porch that was totally scalped — it was easy to identify him. He came to the house right when we got pregnant, and he’s been here pretty much every day since.
Bethany:
We had a miscarriage before we had Kilmer, so when I got pregnant again, I was pretty nervous. This dove showed up with the mangled head and I freaked out, interpreting it as a bad sign. Nico, being the ever-positive supportive person that he is, said, “No, this is a good sign. It’s the baby that we lost telling us that everything is going to be okay.”
For the last couple months of pregnancy, we didn’t see the dove for a while, but the day I went into labor, he showed up on the porch. I was feeling some stuff and told Nico, “I think it’s going to happen today.”
Her second middle name is Meyers. We didn’t want to hyphenate because Meyers-Tortorella is so incredibly long, but I did want Meyers to be a part of the name because it’s a part of me. So she’s KDMT: Kilmer Dove Meyers Tortorella.
Was it important to you to choose a name that is inherently gender-neutral?
Nico:
No, not necessarily. We wanted names that transcended the idea of what a girl or boy is supposed to sound like. We very much realize what gender is in the world and how it plays a vital role in everyday existence, so it wasn’t a conversation about choosing gender-neutral names to raise gender-neutral kids. To be honest, we just wanted to give her a cool fucking name.
Bethany:
Gender comes very secondary in the way that we parent. We don’t spend a lot of time thinking about girl clothes versus boy clothes, or girl names versus boy names.
Kilmer is so badass and Dove is very peaceful — was that juxtaposition a consideration in choosing her full name?
Nico:
Phonetically, we knew it sounded really beautiful, the two syllables of Kilmer opposite the one syllable of Dove. What winds up happening with both of our lives and the art that we create is that the poetry comes after the event.
I’ve been writing a bunch of music lately, and while we were still pregnant, I had a dream that the baby was singing me a song about hawks and doves. I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote the song down, lyrics and melody. I had this realization of Kils and Dove, this hawk and dove — the two opposing energies. I wrote a whole song about it that will be out soon.
Did you share Kilmer’s name before her birth? How did people react?
Bethany:
When I got pregnant, I felt really superstitious about saying the name out loud. But once we hit a certain point, I was comfortable sharing it, especially with family to see their reaction.
At seven months, we went home to my family’s for Christmas and my mom threw me a baby shower, so the Kilmer side of the family was there. I ended up telling my brothers and some cousins — seeing their reaction to the name being carried on was so epic and special. My brothers teared up and everybody was so emotional by it.
How do you feel about your own name, and how did that influence your choice?
Nico:
My birth name is Nicolo Louis Tortorella. My mom always said my middle name was Luigi and I’ve never been called Nicolo in my life, so I have all alternate names that aren’t on my birth certificate. Now I have a more expansive relationship with my name than I would if I’d always gone by my birth name. I had options as a kid, and I knew that. Kilmer also has a million nicknames she can go by.
I’m thinking about using my birth name, Nicolo, now for music. It’s an interesting homecoming happening for me with my name, all around the time of Kilmer’s birth.
What nicknames does Kilmer go by?
Bethany:
Kilmer is a really strong name for an adult woman — she’s going to rock it. But for a baby, sometimes I feel like it’s almost too strong. So Kilmer Dove or Killy or Kils soften it a little bit for her youth. A lot of my family calls her The Dove.
What was the most surprising part of the baby name process?
Bethany:
I remember thinking about the name and having a little tingly feeling about it but worrying that Nico wasn’t going to like it. We went upstate and talked about the name, and he was so on board, saying, “Yeah, Kils!”. To see how much we connected over the name was a surprise.
What advice would you give to someone who’s just starting the baby name process?
Bethany:
However anyone wants to name their baby is incredible, but based on our own experience, I am so happy that we chose a family name. It really touches a special place. If there’s an opportunity for parents to think about what pieces mean something to them, that carries a lot.
Nico:
Just have fun with your partner. Entertain all the weird and silly names — they should be approached with joy and love. There’s this childish enthusiasm that comes along with naming anything, like a stuffed animal. It’s an extension of that!
How do you describe your style beyond baby names?
Nico:
We don’t take anything too seriously. Post-2020, we know how temporary everything is. We’re drawn to things that bring joy and wear funky stuff in bright colors.
Bethany:
We went stroller shopping at the end of the pregnancy — I was testing all the strollers and got so overwhelmed. We were getting ready to leave and the guy who was helping us said, “You know, Cybex has collabs with designers and they make strollers with cool, funky prints.” He saw what we were wearing! It could have been that easy from the start.
We fully picked our stroller because the bassinet had funky lips on it with polka dots and stripes. The stroller she’s in now has gold wheels and gold wings on the side. Once we saw it, we were done. We didn’t care if it was easy to fold or not, we wanted something that makes us happy when we walk down the street.
How did you decorate Kilmer’s nursery?
Bethany:
When we were thinking about the nursery, the style that seems to be most popular is beige minimalism, but we just wanted color!
Nico:
They don’t make any kids stuff in neons or big, bright, beautiful colors. Everything is muted right now — pastels, sea moss green. It’s just not our thing.
Bethany:
We’ve dug and found a few places — Young Days makes clothing in fun, funky prints. And we’ve also outsourced to German and Swedish companies, which have very bright things for her room.
Nico:
Her nursery has a lot of rugs with prints on them and limewashed walls with funky lights. We have a lot of fun, colored lights around the house that she’s attracted to.
Did Kilmer receive any special gifts?
Bethany:
One of our friends made a beautiful quilt that says Kilmer on it and has patches of doves. She’ll have it forever.
My mom saved a lot of stuff from when I was younger. There’s a little yellow dress that I wore when I was a baby, and we have a photo of me wearing it with my grandmother. We put Kilmer in the dress and took a picture of her and my mom. It’s very sentimental.
Nico:
Gold is the currency of love in my family. My grandma was a dealer and gave all of her grandchildren name bracelets when we were born. My mom is passing down the tradition now — she’s getting Kilmer a bracelet with her name on it.
Thank you so much, Bethany and Nico!
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