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The Craziest New Baby Names

crazy baby names

By Pamela Redmond Satran
There were 1393 new baby names coined by creatively-inclined parents in 2014 – and it’s safe to say that at least 1350 of them would have been better left as words, misspellings, celebrity surnames, or pure flights of fancy.

But no, these names were given for the very first time to at least five American babies, earning a place on the Social Security’s extended name popularity list.

The craziest of the crazy new names? Here are our picks for the Top 12, plus a handful of other new names that should never have been:

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Your Best and Worst Name Letters

baby names initials

Okay, so maybe you’re not going to give all your children names that begin with C…..or that start with vowels or contain the lovely letter L.  (Or maybe you are, and that’s okay too.)

But have you noticed a sound pattern to the names you like?  You might find yourself attracted to names that contain the letter O — as I knew I was when I realized I’d given my children the O-heavy names Rory, Joe, and Owen.

Or you might love names that have the soft S sound in there somewhere, or that start with A or end with N.

And at the same time, maybe you DON‘T like names with the hard K sound or that end in the trendy -er.

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What Not to Name the Baby


By Pamela Redmond Satran

If you look at the very bottom of the Social Security name records, you’ll find plenty of ill-advised baby names that people actually choose, and really really shouldn’t have.

The baby names here were gathered from names given to five children in 2012.  To protect privacy, the government only records names used for five or more babies each year, so chances are there are even worse choices out there that didn’t make the official statistics.

Here, what not to name your baby, and why:


Ahmiracle and Dmiracle – There were nearly 800 girls named just plain Miracle, and then you’ve got your Jamiracles and your Lamiracles.  But we draw the line.

Assia – You just can’t give an American baby a name that contains the word “ass.”

Beautyful and Pretty – She better be.

Disney – Product placement?

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Today’s guest blogger, novelist Joanne Lessner, author of Pandora’s Bottle, collects names — the more ridiculous and hilarious, the better.

Nothing makes my family giggle more than a funny name. We collect and pass them around like prized truffles. My sister and I have practically memorized John Train’s Most Remarkable Names, and right up until my uncle died two years ago, he and my mom would mail each other the choicest newspaper clippings. My dad is content to just make them up, baiting unsuspecting wait staff by tryingto  order non-existent cocktails named after his creations. “I’d like an Irving Gafoofnick, please. You know, it’s like a Harvey Wallbanger, only different.”

We retain a healthy appreciation of the difference between first and last name humor, understanding that no matter how silly a last name may sound, it’s asking a lot to turn one’s back on one’s heritage and change it. But even though those names engender a pained “There but for the grace of Ellis Island go I” sympathy, the comic element can prove hard to resist. Consider a recent wedding announcement, in which the groom’s last name was Alternative. Our compassion didn’t stop us from quipping, “The bride, whose first choice was unavailable…”

But we are less inclined to be charitable when there is clearly an element of free will. It’s hard not to smack one’s head in wonder at misguided hyphenates (Scubbley-Butts), ethnic mash-ups (Hadassah O’Donohue), inadvertent descriptors (Rosie Rottencrotch), and encoded sentences (Dorothy Ada Mellon – and boy, was she hungry).

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We’ve talked a lot here about sibsets—those hopefully harmonious pairings of the names of the brothers and sisters in a family, and the elements to consider in order to achieve that harmony—sound, tone, style, syllables….matchy-matchy or not for twins…

Taking all that into consideration, the question of the week is:

What is the best sibset you’ve ever heard—and/or- -if you’re so inclined– what’s the worst? (Twins and other multiples included.)

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