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  1. #21
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    London, England
    Oh, darling. I agree with what the others have said, there are some wise women here. I don't have any experience with abusive relationships, but a friend of mine was in one and I saw what it did to her. So lots of hugs to you.

    I got accidentally pregnant about a year ago (my daughter was born in March) and the thought of my body changing scared me. Not the pregnancy so much as I've always found pregnant women beautiful, but what it would look like after. I've always been thin and people have always told me how beautiful I am, so my self worth has forever been tied to my looks and my body, even though I have other good qualities, but they didn't seem as important to me as no one ever seemed to notice. It's not a view that's easy to shift. When I was raped in my late teens it sent me deeper into this bad downward spiral, where I battled with very conflicting sides of me. And I knew I never wanted to have a biological child because I didn't want to pass on my massive, destructive faults to a child. I think it's easier said than done to get over your past. And being together with someone good, whole, giving and in general wonderful can both be a good and a bad thing. My husband is endlessly good, patient, caring, before we got together (we had a two year courting) he found a therapist he could talk to about me (the rape and I'm bipolar too) so he would understand better and be prepared. Who does that? Sometimes I feel like I'm this virus digging away at my family, a black destructive force amidst all the fluffy pinkness. Do you think something like that can be going on with you? Do you maybe feel like you don't deserve him?

    Liking other peoples children has got nothing to do with whether you'll be a good mum or not. I know tons of people who hates children, but adore their own. Your concern about your own maternal instincts tells me that you're aware of it, and that probably means you're a very caring person. As for the body things, yes, your body will change. It happens. It's difficult whatever other people says, yes, I think how a mother's body looks after pregnancy is powerful, it shows her battle wounds and what she went through to make this child. But that doesn't mean I wanted that for myself. The idea of stretchmarks and the thought of never being able to wear a two piece again terrified me. The thought that my husband wouldn't find me attractive anymore because my body wouldn't be perfect. I think it's easy for people who haven't got these issues to say get over it, but when it's been something that (in my case) you've valued since you were a little girl, it's not easy to get over it.

    It also makes a lot of sense, what you said about this being the first time in your life you're actually at a place where you're good, and could bring a child into the world. I think that's true for a lot of people, they push the idea away for years because they don't have a house, or are still studying, in a bad job and so on, and when all the sudden their lives are calm and good, the baby thing becomes real. But babies and children are a lot of work, they're demanding and selfish and they're totally dependent on you. Everything changes, and that's a good and sometimes a bad thing. But you don't need to have a baby to be happy. Babies changes your relationship, I know childless women who are very happy and lead amazing, fulfilled lives. Just because there won't be children doesn't mean there won't be love.

    I would advise you to see someone professional about this though, it's helped me a lot even though I've still got issues. And I like what Sessha said about treating yourself like you would your loved ones.
    My darling Marian Illyria Aphrodite, March 2013 & Little Bunny (a girl!) due 9th of February 2014

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