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Names No Girl May Be Cool Enough For

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You have to be pretty darn cool to name your kid Hortense, cool in that I-like-it-and-I-don't-care-what-the-world-thinks kind of way. Except you're not the one who's going to have to deal with having the name Hortense when you play soccer. You're not the one who's going to have to introduce yourself as Hortense to boys at parties. In fact, if you think it's so cool, maybe you should change your own name to Hortense rather than laying it on a poor little kid. The point: While we can appreciate the contrarian cool inherent in these clunky names, we fear that few children at this point in time are cool enough actually to live with them.

  • Bertha

    Gender: F Rate:

    Ever since the enormous German cannon was dubbed "Big Bertha" in World War I, this name hasn't worked for a sweet little baby girl. Not true of the Polish version, Berta.  Read More 

  • Beulah

    Gender: F Rate:

    Stereotyped as a black maid's name in movies and TV, the biblical Beulah would challenge the most audacious baby namer. Beulah is also another name for Palestine.  Read More 

  • Brunhilda

    Gender: F Rate:

    Sounds like what it means--and any little Brunhilda better be armed for battle, out on the playground. Equally problematic: BRUNHILD, BRUNHILDE, BRUNNHILDE. Though the heroine Brunhilda of Quenti... Read More 

  • Doris

    Gender: F Rate:

    Has long been on our so-far-out-it-will-always-be-out-for-babies list, and seems written there in indelible ink.  Read More 

  • Edna

    Gender: F Rate:

    Though Emma and Ella have had successful return engagements, we don't see much hope for Edna.  Read More 

  • Elberta

    Gender: F Rate:

    The great-great-aunt in the purple hat, singing jazz.  Read More 

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  • Ernestine

    Gender: F Rate:

    Joke name, à la Lily Tomlin's bossy telephone operator.  Read More 

  • Ethel

    Gender: F Rate:

    Sounds as dated today as the old Anglo-Saxon names that hatched it -- Ethelreda and Elthelburga -- though it was the Ava of a hundred years ago.  Read More 

  • Eunice

    Gender: F Rate:

    Eunice is a New Testament name that sounds terminally gawky.  Read More 

  • Fulvia

    Gender: F Rate:

    This name of the wife of Mark Antony (no, not Marc Anthony) in ancient Rome sounds a tad too anatomical for a modern girl.  Read More 

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Linda Rosenkrantz & Pamela Redmond Satran

Author experts Pamela Redmond Satran and Linda Rosenkrantz revolutionized baby naming.

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