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June 27th, 2013 12:08 AM #6Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jul 2012
I think adoption in general is awesome! I think that the adoption of babies specifically though, can be rather difficult. I cannot imagine carrying a child for 9 months, giving birth, possibly seeing the child (some people do, some don't..idk what I would do), then handing it off to be raised by someone else...I think birth mothers are incredibly selfless..even if it is a difficult circumstance, like drugs or courts involved that led to the adoption taking place..
I know several people who have adopted children..many with different outcomes from each other. My mom's aunt and uncle, many years ago, adopted a little girl as a..i think under a year old...but "returned" her when she was around three. I have no clue why and mom didn't know either, as she was young herself. A co-worker of my mother's adopted a baby boy at birth, but they say he has tried to kill them several times and is extremely violent. My step-father's friend adopted a little boy at birth, and a little girl from China when she was a baby, and it works out great. My neighbors adopted two of their daughters and one son, when they were babies. Seems to be well for them! Another couple from our church adopted a baby at birth and same thing..it's going great.
Open vs. closed...idk..to be very, completely honest I think if i was the birth mother, I would want an open adoption..to still "know" my child a bit and see them grow and know how they are doing. If I was the adoptive mother...depending on the situation, I think I'd lean towards a closed adoption...I wouldn't want a potentially harmful situation or birth parent to swarm in and hurt or confuse the child.
If I were giving my child up for adoption (which I don't think I would do if I could help it), the things I would look for in the adoptive parents: my Christianity is extremely important to me, and I would want to select parents who would believe the same and raise my child in church. Absolutely no corporal punishment. A family who doesn't party, drink, or smoke. People who would love my child, unconditionally. People who would get my child any help they need, whether it be medical care, mental care, counseling, tutoring.. A family who's relatives wouldn't treat my child differently for being adopted. The list seems endless...
I think adoption is good in all cases, except for if it was forced upon the birth mother..like by her parents or something. I've seen tv shows where that happened, and it's soooo depressing and I can't imagine that. Although maybe it would be better for the child to be adopted than be around an evil grandparent or something.. Adoptions without the consent of both parents I think is wrong as well. it was in the news not long ago about a soldier who's girlfriend gave their child up for adoption while he was overseas without his knowledge, and he came home and no baby..that's bullcrap. If both parents can be found, and do not want to parent or are unfit parents, then yes, that's fine.
Last edited by namergirl3; June 27th, 2013 at 12:14 AM.
June 27th, 2013 12:58 AM #8Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jul 2012
I can speak from the perspective of the biological family. My aunt gave twin boys up for adoption in 2011, and they were welcomed by a wonderful family. Technically the adoption is semi-private; my aunt gets a ton of pictures and a letter from the adoptive parents every three months, but there is no other contact. The parents only know her initials, not her name, and she only knows the initials of their first names. It actually turned out that one of my grandparents' old friends is good friends with the adoptive family, and although he hasn't given us any identifiable information, we know a lot more about the adoptive parents now than what the adoption lawyer was allowed to tell us. Even though it makes the situation easier on us to know that the boys are with a great family in a loving home, it still sucks not being able to see them and hold them. My aunt made the choice that was best for her and, in the long run, for her sons as well. We were told that the boys' adoptive parents have an older daughter, also adopted, and that they have a relationship with the girl's biological mother. I do hope that as the boys get older the adoptive parents will be willing to open up some more, but for now my family and I try our best to respect their privacy and let them bond with the boys. My family is just really, really close, and it's hard for us - especially my grandparents - to know that we have essentially given away these boys to complete strangers. The truth of the matter is that they're always going to be a part of our family whether they're with us or not. Even if the boys do have another family loving them and holding them, they're still ours too.
That was really long-winded, but what I mean to say is that while adoption can certainly be a beautiful thing, it isn't easy. I can't even fathom what my aunt has gone through, because I know there have been times when I've really struggled with it myself. I wanted to adopt domestically before the twins, and I still hope to adopt domestically now. However, I could never do a closed adoption. It would be a must that my adopted child/children have some sort of contact with their biological family because of what my family has gone through.
Did that answer your questions at all, or was that just me on my soapbox? Probably the latter.
June 27th, 2013 09:51 AM #10
We are hoping to adopt and would like a closed adoption. I don't want the birth parents involved in raising our child, I feel when you give up a child, you give up those rights of being a parent to that child.
We are also looking into adopting from China or Taiwan instead to avoid open adoptions since the birth mothers are often unknown and untraceable (especially in China) due to the strict 1 Child Policy Rule. Taiwan does not fall under the category, but open adoptions are less common in foreign adoptions.
Of all the adoptions I know of within my family, none had issues. I have 2 cousins who are adopted and they never went looking for their birth parents. My husband's mother was adopted and she too never cared about her birth parents. My aunt before she became my aunt, gave up her son and just a year ago, she found him. I have another aunt who was adopted and her birth mother also found her. So all the children grew up fine and had no reason to search for their birth parents, in the cases where they did meet their birth parents, it's because the birth parents went looking for them!
I also wanted to address this:
As for the violent boy, I want to point out that it's not because he was adopted, but he has some sort of psychological problem. It might be a good idea to look into the history of his birth parents if at all possible.
June 27th, 2013 01:45 PM #12Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jul 2012
That's what I thought too, but my mom said that the girl was adopted from overseas..she thinks China. I'm not sure how the laws were back then (this was over thirty years ago), but it seems odd to me that they were able to do that or that they would actually want to/follow thru on it.
And yes, thankyou for pointing that out! I'm sorry if I made it sound as though he is violent because of the adoption..that wasn't my intention.. I was trying to say that for some people I know, adoption has been a great choice and for others it has had consequences they didn't see coming. I asked about this boy's history and my mom said that the adoptive mother told her they only knew there was drug abuse in his birth family but it seems like there very well could be some sort of disorders too. That story is what is turning my mom from the idea of adoption. She doesn't want the chance of something like that happening. Too bad :/Alyssa*Ada*Lydia*Aria*Leah*Elijah*Peter*Paul*Calvin*
"See, it is not enough to leave school and just desire to succeed in this cold, cruel world. Because then you've simply become a part of it. You must also have the desire to change it. And to change it, you'll need your fine mind, and his good heart" ~George Feeny, Boy Meets World
June 28th, 2013 01:28 AM #14Senior Member
- Join Date
- Feb 2012
This is an interesting topic and I am trying to form my thoughts to articulate them well. I personally have no interest in adoption and if I had not been able to conceive we would have gone to IVF, egg/sperm donors or surrogates depending on what the problem had been. I generally feel that children are better off being with their biological parents even if they are young, poor etc. Unless the parents are extremely abusive I think children should remain with them. I have several cousins who have been adopted and to me there always seems to be something missing between them and their parents, there is just not the same bond. For my aunts and uncles I realise that at that time there was no other way to go about having children if you couldn't conceive but now there are many other methods and I think those are the better option.
I am trying to think of how I can say this tactfully. As a mother who has gone through pregnancy and birth I can never imagine giving away my child. When I watch adoption shows on tv I feel angry with the adoptive parents for wanting to snatch that beautiful baby from the arms of the birth mother who has just gone through agony to bring that baby into the world. It is like she is just thrown aside and disposable and they have now gotten their hands on the prize. I know this isn't a popular image, most people like to think adoption is beautiful, but I just see the pain for the birth mother.
I personally believe that adoption should be rare. I think that our society should help support birth mothers to keep their children and that people who cannot have children should have them through ART. I think if you can afford it you should do it on your own (most people adopting would spend just as much on an adoption) and if they can't I believe that society should help them.Andie - John, Thomas, Isla, Freya, Marigold and expecting #6 in June