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Thread: MIL Problems
January 24th, 2015 11:03 AM #1Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2012
As some of you may known my MIL is pregnant with baby #8 and he will be making his appearance sometime in March.
The past month or so all my MIL talks about on the rare occasions we talk is either my husband (she complains he doesn't tell her anything) or this baby and how it seems like if she looks at FIL she's pregnant and how she wants us to wait until she's done to have children but she wants us to have lots of kids.
Now, DH and I already have our own ideal time frame and number for all of that which works for us. However the nonchalant way she talks about getting pregnant stings. I went to the gyno a year and a half ago and was told I have endometriosis on ovary and very little bloodflow to the other. As a result I was told that my on/gyn would be my best resource in having kids. So I'm not holding any illusions that I'll be the fertile myrtle that she is.
However it is still upsetting to hear her go on and on about how upset she'll be if we don't have a huge brood and how she wants grand babies. DH and I have both told her we may or may not have kids and she immediately goes into the dramatics of "I'll never have grandkids! What will my life be without grandbabies to spoil?"
Is there a polite way to tell her to shut up? Or at least get her to talk about something else? DH is over the situation his parents are in with this baby but it still makes my blood boil and I'm sick of her saying I "stole" her son. And she knows that we're prepared for the long haul of TTC struggles and the workups that come with it.If I had a baby right now they'd be:
January 24th, 2015 11:49 AM #3
Well, my first thought, is considering your DH is old enough to have kids, whatever babies your MIL keeps popping out will be young enough to be her grandchildren, and she will be old enough to be their grandmother. Maybe it's just me, but if she keeps making you feel awful, point that out to her
The audacity of that women to tell you to wait until she is done! I am mad for you. You might have a long road ahead of you (I truly hope you do not though!) and you need to maybe consider telling her that the topic is off the table for the foreseeable future and you refuse to discuss it, that or tell her that you have fertility issues, which honestly, I can't see going well, she will get over-dramatic and make things harder for you. (and I don't even know her!)
Keep in mind that it is your decision to become a parent, and there are so many options nowadays on how it can be done, best of luck! Stay Positive!
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January 24th, 2015 11:53 AM #5Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jan 2011
Mother in law problems are so difficult. Have you spoken with your husband about how this makes you feel? Does he talk to her regularly? If he doesn't and you are doing the work of trying to keep their relationship together, maybe explain to him that you don't want to do that anymore. He can make a phone date with her once a week or once a month or whatever. That is his job as her son, it's not your job as her daughter in law.
There is probably nothing that you can say or do to make her stop being so insensitive. But she may be saying that about how her husband can just look at her and make her pregnant because she is feeling insecure about still having children while she could be having grandchildren. Depending on her community, she may be getting some side-eye for that. I just think that because of what you said about how she wants to be done having kids before you have start having kids.
I have spent many years dealing with people's boorish comments regarding infertility and now adoption. The helpful thing that I finally figured out is that most people are not trying to hurt you. Most people are so wrapped up in their own issues and insecurities that they don't even think about how their comments sound to others. There is nothing that you can really do to make most people stop and think, either. Sometimes it helps to just pretend that people are being reasonable. So if she says, "You have to hurry up and have grandchildren so that I can spoil them!" Then you can say, "I know that you have looked forward to having grand kids. Luckily, you have eight children, so probably at least one of them will have kids. I am so glad that you respect that we are going to make the best decision possible regarding when and if to have children!"
Sometimes it can be helpful to laugh it off, even if you don't feel like laughing. So if she says, "My husband just looks at me and I get pregnant!" You can say, "Wait a minute- are you eight kids in and still not sure about how this works??? It's okay, I have a book I can send you that explains the whole thing."
Good luck dealing with all of this! Again, I really wouldn't expect to be able to change this situation. We were able to change the situation with some family members when my husband wrote them a heartfelt letter. He explained that they could either be supportive or they could choose to not be involved. But with most people, it was more a matter of me finding explanations in charity and learning to respond in the moment rather than letting things bother me forever.
January 24th, 2015 01:44 PM #7
So sorry to hear all of the grief you've been getting already. I understand where you're coming from. I have a very controlling/ manipulative MIL myself. I genuinely like her, but we've had to pull back a bit and redefine our boundaries in order to maintain a good relationship with her. "Good fences make good neighbors."
Realize that you two are in no way obligated to even discuss private topics such as fertility with anyone outside your marriage, including your parents. That is entirely at your discretion. If you don't like the response you get to babytalk, stop bringing it up. Is MIL is the one bringing it up? (My guess is yes, she probably has all things baby on her mind right now.) Beandip is your best friend. In other words, be purposefully vague, change the subject a lot, mirror her questions back on her, esp when she starts pushing for details or promises.
MIL: When are you guys are planning to start a family? I can't wait for grandbabies!
You or DH: That's a big decision. We'll have to discuss it thoroughly between the two of us. How have you been feeling lately?
MIL: Well, I really think you should wait until after my family is complete. That way I can really enjoy my grand babies. I;m going to be too busy right now. But you know I want lots and lots of grand babies! (laugh)
You or DH: [Your baby] will be here soon... How're the other kids doing?
My solution to MIL issues like the ones you've described? See her less, (I know she doesn't live close to you, from your earlier posts) confide in her less, go about your lives as if she pretty much doesn't exist. I'm not saying you should cut her off, just realize that her selfish behavior isn't doing anything positive for your relationship or future. Give yourself permission to "drop the rope."
I think you've mentioned your husband feels sort of guilty about not being an active part of his siblings' lives. In my opinion that is a false guilt, probably perpetuated by his mom and/or dad in order to maintain a hold on him. It is not his "fault" or "responsibility" that they keep popping out kids. He has no legal, moral, or ethical responsibility to his parents' children. He needs MORE space from his family of origin, so he can realize that you and any children you may have are his first priority now- and that's okay.
This necessitates LESS contact.
If MIL ever bothers to ask why your husband doesn't confide in her or contact her more frequently, (rather than just guilt-trippng and nagging about it) and you feel up to the drama, tell her that she comes across as disrespectful and insensitive to some very personal issues (fertility, "stealing" DH etc.) and her comments are distressing to both of you. But be prepared for lots of "blowback" (crying, self-pity, guilt-tripping) if you go that route. It's a lot easier to just have less contact and less intimacy. :-) My final observation is that comments such as "all FIL has to do is look at me and I'm pregnant" are really about her and her insecurities. So make a conscious choice not take them personally or make them about you. That's part of dropping the rope. You will be amazed at how little her comments bother you once you make that decision.
Last edited by mulme944; January 24th, 2015 at 01:47 PM.Mommy to Travis Nevin 05/12
and Angus Loudon is due April 6th, 2015
January 24th, 2015 02:46 PM #9Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2012
DH wants to go and visit and meet this baby, 0rby, in November when he has time to come home before he leaves for a year. However money might not allow it and in the past month we've been talking about it and I offered for him to go alone (I was miserable the week we spent there) and he adamantly refused to go alone and said he'd rather stay with me. I'm hoping he truly does stay here instead of going to visit. I think that's the push he needs to move on with his life.
His dad guilt tripped him into buying 0rby Christmas presents and then asked us for help buying a crib after we'd spent money buying Christmas presents for 20+ members of his family he's expected to buy for. We're 20, we don't have lots of money for that stuff.