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  1. #46
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    510
    I love the idea of doing a surname mashup or choosing a new surname, I thought it would be nice for the whole family to have the same name. We didn't go that route because of the hassle of changing one's name as an established adult. So we both kept our names. My husband's sisters kept their names so that wasn't an issue in his family.

    However, I think the assumption that kids will have their dad's surname just as sexist as the assumption that the woman will change her name. Thankfully we both have short surnames so we were able to hyphenate LO's name easily. Friends who know us well will address us as the "hyphenated name" family, which I think is great and appropriate. Sure, a traditional aunt or two addresses us as the "hislastname" family or "Mr. and Mrs. his last name", but after a moment of annoyance I let it go. It's their problem not mine. My MIL complained to my husband about the order we chose to hyphenate in, but she said her piece, he held our ground, and that was the end of it.

    We don't have any logistical problems. It is clear that she our kid to any school, medical, financial, or government officials (i.e. TSA) because she carries both our names. I love that it symbolizes that DH + Me = LO. It makes up for issue of the whole family not having the same name for me. Her full hyphenated surname is only 8 letters long, 9 characters counting the hyphen.

    Sure, my parents chose the traditional route, but my name is the one they chose for me regardless and it is mine, I have an identity apart from my dad. (Honestly I think my mom misses her maiden name, she recently mentioned she made plans to have it included on her tombstone when the time comes.) It's the name on MY diplomas, accounts, property, professional work, etc.

    As far as what LO will do in the future, I just hope she still has the freedom to make her own decision as we had the freedom to make ours.
    My friends have made a variety of different choices for their own reasons and we all respect and love each other :-)
    Love my Thalia

    Irene, Helena, Rhea, Sylvia, Phoebe, Linnea, Simone, Mariel
    Nathaniel, Alden, Amias, Wilder, Jasper, Simon, Clement, Solomon

    Guilty Pleasures
    Ione, Kassiani, Acacia, Leander, Griffin, Cosmas

  2. #48
    Join Date
    Nov 2015
    Location
    No Coast
    Posts
    1,050
    We combined into a double-barreled surname (no hyphen). My "maiden" name is a common occupational surname, and my wife's is a classic first name for boys, so our married name is something like "James Baker" (not the actual name). I like the look of no hyphen but I did "lose" on the order of the names - I think putting "James" first makes it look like a middle name and "Baker James" would have been better, but I ended up giving in. My wife insisted "James Baker" was easier to write when signing your name, and after trying it both ways, I had to admit that she was right about that. Now, I'm so used to the order we settled on that it actually sounds wrong to say it my previously "preferred" way!

    I am in a same-sex marriage, so there was no cultural expectation for what we should do--but there are concerns that are unique to being a same-sex couple that informed our choice. I think either of us would have been very happy for the other to take our own name, but both of us felt strongly that we wanted to keep our original names. We pretty quickly decided against taking a new surname or mashing up our names for this reason.

    I legally changed my surname to my mom's maiden name in my early 20's due to personal and family reasons. Because of that, my maiden name is extremely meaningful to me.

    My wife had always liked her own maiden name and never imagined changing it. She also felt strongly about passing her family's name on to any children we have, since she is not planning to be biologically related to them. She feels that their having her surname will help legitimize them as members of her family.

    Added to that, I also wanted to share a surname as a couple and as a family with any future children. People are funny about same-sex couples sometimes. I did not want there to be any question about who we are to each other or to our children. When one mother gives birth to the children in two-mom families, it is unfortunately not unusual for her to be treated/referred to as the "real" mom and the other parent to be addressed more like a step-parent or nanny. We have joked about calling my (rather femme) wife "Papa" or "Daddy" when we have kids, just so people will understand that even if she didn't give birth to them, she is 100% their parent! I want it to be crystal clear that we are both the moms and to discourage people from making assumptions about how we created our family.

    So for basically every reason that mattered to us, combining was the best choice. It does make our names slightly unwieldy (especially my wife, who also changed her first name to a double-barreled one when we married), but I don't regret the choice at all. As a life-long name nerd, I think I decided a long time ago that I cared more about names feeling "right" than being easy.
    Stephanie Rae
    💍 Married 10.06.18 💙 TTC Evie or Jude 2020 👶
    Furmommy to: Alexander Hamilton *Hammy* & Marquis de Lafayette *Laffy*
    Proud auntie to: Lucy Anne & Leon Jeffrey & Mason William & Jaxon Anthony *Jax* & Expected Baby Girl
    Fairy godmother to: Anastasia Elizabeth *Ana* & Logan Mark Jay

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