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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Apr 2015
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    1,860

    Worries vs Reality

    Hey there mumma berries,

    Hubby brought up TTC recently, and we had a big conversation about it. Trying to get on the same page in terms of "when" was harder than I thought. I also realised how anxious the thought actually makes me... I love babies and I definitely want babies... but I feel like I'm struggling to not think about all the negative things...

    - my time with hubby will be limited
    - losing freedoms (e.g. going out whenever)
    - body changes
    - losing myself / giving up personal space and time
    - I don't like noise, clutter, mess
    - so many things are harder with a baby

    ... I'm just struggling with how much you have to give up to raise children...

    So, I wanted to ask...
    - How did you deal with these kind of feelings pre-baby?
    - How did you know you were ready despite any worries?
    - What had been your experience? Were your worries justified, or was reality not as bad??

    Thanks, ladies. I appreciate your input.

    We mutual came to an agreement of TTC next year, so I want to be able to prepare myself mentally by sorting out some of these feelings.

    Xx
    Kay - 26yrs
    Wifey to my Sunshine - 17.2.17
    TTC September 2020
    .girls.
    Mercedes Aliyah Rose | Persephone Annabelle Rain
    Endelyon Arwen Elyse | Evangeline Haven Grace
    Apolline Aurora Wren | Xanthippe Raven Willow

    ...musing over Pandora, Kalliope, Seraphine, Delphine...
    ...possible MN: Violetta Snow...
    .boys.
    Othello Bentley Fox | Atlas Orion Boyd
    Oberon Story Zale | Peregrine Evander Quill
    Vincent Aurel Lark | Bowen Wilder Oak

    ...musing over Roman, Felix, Areion...


  2. #3
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Posts
    753
    Be realistic. A baby is not going to be on your schedule, at least not at first. And then, even if you get them on a schedule, that could (and probably will) change. And babies make noise. That’s how they communicate, and there’s no way of getting around that.

    If clutter and mess stress you out, then make time to clean. A stressed out mommy is not what your kids need. But also realize that sometimes cleaning is going to have to wait.

    A lot of parenting is flexibility.

    Do you live near family, or have good friends? Make date night/day with your husband a priority. But understand that your time could be spent talking about the baby.

    My main point is, a baby is nothing you can be fully prepared for, so you need to be able to let go of that control.
    Mommy to Audrey Jeanine and Ezra Marvin

    Expecting Jasper Lee April 2019


    Some favorite girls names Eleanor ~ Matilda~ Clara ~ Scarlett ~ Clementine ~ Flora ~ Violet


    Some favorite boys names: Oliver ~ Henry ~ Theodore ~ Milo ~ Gideon ~ Hugo ~Sebastian





  3. #5
    You will probably lose the urge to go out whenever due to fatigue, and you'll make more friends with people who are parents so that going out with your kids feels normal. I think you'll both feel that you gain more than you lose. People are hard-wired to tolerate their kids' poop, vomit, and other messes. You'll be surprised how little it bothers you, even when it's on you.

  4. #7
    Join Date
    Oct 2014
    Location
    PNW (US)
    Posts
    2,498
    I had a lot of the same worries as you before and during my pregnancy. Reality is definitely not as bad as I thought it would be, in fact this has been one of the most rewarding times in my life. I wish I had let myself look on the bright side of things more before I had my baby.

    -Like PP suggested, do try to go on date nights if you have someone nearby who can watch the baby. Date nights at home are fun too (bottle of wine, nice meal, movie, talking). And if you can, try not to think of how your time with your SO will be limited, but how much more wonderful it will be with the addition of a sweet baby.
    -One reason we knew we were ready was that the prospect of not being able to go out as often or as freely didn't bother us so much anymore. I'm not saying that you should wait, but definitely think about how important that is to you both right now. Like PPs said, it might not matter so much to you when baby gets here!
    -Body changes are inevitable and everyone handles it a little differently. I was worried like you are, but honestly, I've embraced the changes. I made a baby and carried her for 9 months! And giving birth is one of the most amazing experiences. Also, a note about recovery: I was scared about this but within a week or two, I felt so much better.
    -About the noise/clutter/mess--I was worried about this too but you will completely fall in love with your baby's noises. The crying not so much, but all of the babbling is so fun. I don't like clutter either, so I organize the house at least once a day so it doesn't feel as chaotic. You will have to let go a bit though if you are an extremely tidy/clean person.
    -Things are harder with a baby but maybe not as hard as you think. I recently took my 3 month old on an airplane and it actually went surprisingly well. One plus is that the flight went so much faster than I remember! You're so focused on your little one.
    -Have you talked with your SO about these feelings? It could be good to be on the same page with each other. Like, do you plan to split baby-care as equally as possible? Will you both let each other get out of the house for 'me' time when you need it?

    One thing I wish is that I had not let internet horror stories about parenting and birth scare me. It's good to be informed but only to a point. Taking care of a baby is hard work but you will also experience the deepest love and most profound joy. You will fall in love with your husband all over again.

    Anyway, I'm telling you the positive side of things because I wish someone had done that for me when I was anxious! I tend to overthink things and worry but I just didn't know how amazing being a momma would be!
    Beatrix Hazel June was born September 27, 2018!

    Winifred ۰ Harriet ۰ Dorothea ۰ Josephine ۰ Agatha
    Violet ۰ Ruby ۰ Ivy ۰ Mae ۰ Olive ۰ Rosemary ۰ Louisa
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    Casper ۰ August ۰ Theodore ۰ Henry ۰ Linus ۰ Miles ۰ Oscar
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  5. #9
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Posts
    2,401
    So, I didn't really have any worries. I had wanted to be a mom for a very long time, and I have only ever worked with children, so there wasn't much that would be a mystery to me.

    Some key points for me were:
    - thinking of gaining family time, not losing couple time. Yes, you definitely have to schedule time in to talk to other adults (former co-workers, friends, your partner). It takes a lot more mental work to connect to other adults, but it is so needed. Also, many people will come out of the woodwork and contact you so they can see your baby (and not pay any attention to you lol). This can be great, but also super depressing sometimes.

    I go out whenever. I know my baby's schedule and we work with that. She comes to the passport office, shopping, to get my nails done (family friend is an esthetician out of her home. She painted my nails whole rocking my baby to sleep, it was amazing), to book club, the dog groomer's. I just make sure her bag is packed, I keep all my stuff in there too, and off we go. she is not a hindrance at all. The hardest part was working around her 60 minute nursing sessions when she was 4 months and under. But even then, you start making a note of all the nursing/feeding/changing areas in the city. Babies R Us, Buy Buy Baby, malls almost always have nursing rooms. I would make sure to go by somewhere like that if I know we'll be out for a while.

    Body changes & losing myself are the two I struggle with the most... And it is SO hormonal. Regonizing that is a big part in keeping sane. My "best self" was adventurous, safely impulsive, independent... I don't feel like that anymore. I know my daughter will love hearing stories from that point in my life, and I accept that providing stability and "the village" is important for her right now.

    Clutter, noise, mess... You get used to it, learn to tune it out, and/or stay on top of it. And while they get so much louder, in a conversational sense, as they get older, they can also be entertained a little longer so you can tidy or clean without them freaking out. Plus, baby toys are enormous, so even if the room is a disaster with baby things, it takes 10 seconds to tidy up that stuff. Tidying an office is way more time-consuming.

    I felt incredibly ready to become a parent. It has been as easy as I expected... Which is to say, it can be extremely trying sometimes. I have a pretty easy-going baby, and I am very in tune with her. She is easy for me, but she is not easy for everyone. I have shed so many tears since she was born. I think emotionally, hormonally, and physically, I was not prepared for how little control you have. I was extremely sick while pregnant, had severe post-partum complications, and a lot of problems nursing (both my baby and I had problems). I had spent over a decade looking forward to pregnancy and birth, and both were just so horrible. And that sucks, but is something I'm working through.

    So the things I was ready to have be awful, like sleepless nights, crying baby all day, etc. never happened. The things I did not prepare for/ thought "That is such a fluke, it'll never happen to me", like a debilitating pregnancy and life-threatening complications, ended up happening and blind-siding me.

    tl;dr
    You can still be the most prepared person, and something will not turn out how you anticipated.
    You will be sacrificing a lot. There's no way around that... And the good news is that most of the time, you don't even notice. And when you do notice, make sure you have a good support system so you can put yourself first. Happy mom = happy baby, and everyone had a different way of getting to that place. You just do what's right for you and your family.
    Lu
    Name aficionada
    Married- 2016
    Mom to a little bee- 2018
    TTC- 2021

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