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  1. #6
    Aww sweetie, I'm so sorry! I know exactly how you feel but, trust me, it's not that bad!

    Quote Originally Posted by jensowvlen View Post
    My main point is, a baby is nothing you can be fully prepared for, so you need to be able to let go of that control.
    I agree with this. You might have everything planned out, but then the baby comes and - boom! - your plans go out of the window. Maybe it's just me, but I think the best way to parent is to listen to your heart. You will know what you baby needs once you adjust to your new lifestyle.

    My daughter wasn't planned so I only started worrying when I was already pregnant but I worried. A great deal. I kept thinking that I was going to be a bad mom, that my child deserved better parents, that it wasn't the right time, that I was going to waste my life. I was young, unmarried, having just left my home country to be with my SO. He works in the music industry and lives in a very hip, bohemian place where everyone has long hair, a nice tan, some tattoos and an impressive wine collection, so I was worried I would never fit in, being a housewife and a SAHM.

    But the things I worried about, like being trapped at home with a crying baby and no social life etc, never actually happened. Nell was an easy baby - I would put her in her sling and take her with me wherever I went. My friends ended up adoring her. I even made some new friends when I took her to the park, soft play, etc. My SO and I got married, had another baby and are happier than ever.

    To be perfectly honest, my body hasn't changed that much over these years. It's a bit different now, but it's still my body and I feel amazing in it. I know not all women are that lucky but I managed to get back into shape pretty quickly. I don't have stretch marks or saggy boobs or bad teeth, but my husband is a health freak so I guess it has something to do with him (and olive oil! Seriously, it's amazing! It makes your skin super soft and prevents stretch marks, and it's also good for treating split ends!). Well, I'm pregnant now so this might change, but all in all, I've embraced my body the way it is.

    About the noise/mess...All babies are noisy, that's true. My son, for example, is not a crybaby, but he will scream at top of his lungs if he's hungry or bored or has lost his sock, etc...You don't get used to it, but you learn to deal with it. Also, babies coo and laugh a lot and are adorable when doing so.
    As for the mess, I am not super tidy, so it doesn't really bother me. I keep Teddy's toys, clothes, pacifiers, diapers in his room so I don't find them lying around the house. I also make my husband clean when I'm too busy with the baby. Once your kids get older, you can ask them to help you tidy up, too. Nell is 5, and she's mama's little helper.

    I also second (third?) the idea of having some me time every once in a while and going out on dates with your husband. Ask your friends/relatives to babysit, take all the help you can get. Like @Lucia said, happy mama = happy baby.

    And honestly, you seem like an amazing, sweet and kind person,
    I'm sure you will be a great mom!
    Victoria "Vix"
    ♉︎ Cornelia Hermione Winter
    ♉︎ Endymion Atlas Faramir
    ♊︎ Baby brother or sister due in June!

    ♈︎ Sybilla ♋︎ Yseult ♌︎ Elsinore
    ♎︎ Galahad ♏︎ Oberon ♐︎ Lancelot

  2. #8
    Join Date
    Jun 2017
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    748
    I always thought I would have children and that it would happen in my early 20s--but between working a dead-end job for years, having financial problems as a result, and not being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder until my late 20s, adding kids to that mix seemed impossible, and for a while I wasn't even sure we should have them at all or that I would be any good at it (or able to mentally handle it).

    With 30 looming, we decided if we were going to do it we should just do it. Our finances had stabilized somewhat. I was on medication and more or less balanced. I knew I would regret not having a baby. And so we just leaped. Maybe it was risky and unwise, but there never seemed as if there would be a perfect time.

    I had Finn shortly after my 29th birthday. Things were a shock from the beginning: our relationships with our families ranged from poor and stressful to estranged, so we didn't have any real support and had to figure everything out in the moment. I didn't produce enough milk which was stressful and disappointing and an unforeseen expense. Mentally I struggled a lot, having gone off my medication before I got pregnant, and then stayed off it in an attempt to breastfeed, so I was hit hard after the birth and exhaustion only made me feel more desperate.

    In the beginning we were more of a couple with a baby than a family. Babies sleep a lot in the beginning. As long as you can feed them every two hours or so at first, you can still manage a lot of your usual things, it's all about finding a routine and getting some sleep. I had a long labour (30+ hours) and needed stitches, etc. so there was some recovery time at first as well. But after those first two weeks, I started feeling more like myself.

    As for noise and mess--yes, babies are loud. The real noise and mess came with toddler-hood (and our second baby, who we wanted close in age, so he was born when Finn was 18 months old). That was a bigger challenge in many ways than one, because we didn't feel like a couple with a baby anymore, the dynamic changed. And juggling a toddler and an infant has been its own set of challenges, just as I expect two toddlers and a baby will be when #3 comes. So it's always changing. It's different for everyone, every pregnancy is unique, every child, how many you have, etc. You will find what works for you and modify it as you need to. If time with your husband is important to you, make it a priority, put your baby in the stroller and get out, go to dinner, order in and watch a movie, etc. See other adults with and without kids. Ask for help if you can get it. Shower and get dressed and put on makeup--you'll feel more like the person you used to be. And continue to learn and grow and do things for you, whatever that may mean--the happier and more fulfilled you are, the better you will be for your baby. You don't have to lose yourself in order to give so much to another person, you just have to juggle a bit more and relax your expectations and prioritize what matters to you. You'll be tired and have less time, but you can make it work. Whether that time goes to relaxing, improving yourself, your husband, your friends, or cleaning your house--it is your time and you decide where it goes. Your baby will take a large chunk but not all of it. You are still going to be you. Just with a baby.

    I lost a lot of the weight after Finn but not all of it. When he was nine months old, I was pregnant again, and although I lost all of the weight after Leo was born, I was still carrying an extra 15 or so pounds from my first pregnancy when I got pregnant with my third. I didn't make it enough of a priority to exercise and eat well, I admit that, and am hoping to do better after this baby is born. I do have stretch marks as well but I'm not all that bothered by them. For the most part, I like my larger hips and butt and boobs that pregnancy gave me, and I hope they stay if I lose some weight! Pregnancy changes aren't always bad! I'm also really proud I was able to go through both births as well as I did and having children was a bit of a confidence booster for me. I am more assertive than before. I have less time to worry about things and have to seize the moment to deal with a problem or make a phone call, so instead of stressing over it, now I just do it.

    And I agree with the above: I think you are very sweet and I love reading your comments. I think you'll be a great mother!
    Finn and Leo

    Expecting a baby girl June 16, 2019!


    Kate Olivia Claire | Calder Bartholomew Mason | Natalie Mila Elizaveta | Declan William Balthazar

    Stella Freya Juliet | Anya Violet Elodie | Lydia Ivy Elaina | Aurora Persephone Rose

    Oliver Caspian James | Callum Sebastian Dimitri | Lincoln Victor Benedikt | Tristan Anthony Oskar


    Eva | Maya | Chloe | Kaia | Phoebe | Ariana | Katia | Zoe | Isla | Cora | Belle | Daisy

  3. #10
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Posts
    752
    Stretch marks can be genetic, but even if you get them, you’ll probably notice them more than anyone else.

    And your body will change after pregnancy. I lost all the baby weight and then an extra 10lbs after my first, and after my second I lost the pregnancy weight in a month. But my stomach has been stretched out, my hips have widened, my rear end has flattened, and my two (soon to be 3) cesareans have pretty much ensured I’ll never have abs again.
    Mommy to Audrey Jeanine and Ezra Marvin

    Expecting Jasper Lee April 2019


    Some favorite girls names Eleanor ~ Matilda~ Clara ~ Scarlett ~ Clementine ~ Flora ~ Violet


    Some favorite boys names: Oliver ~ Henry ~ Theodore ~ Milo ~ Gideon ~ Hugo ~Sebastian





  4. #12
    Join Date
    May 2013
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    429
    Those are great questions! I literally had all of the same fears. I was worried about my relationship with my husband, not being able to go out and have drinks when I wanted; I also hate cleaning, so I was worried about having a baby would increase that responsibility.

    Well, when the baby came I didn't care about any of that. My daughter brings me so much joy, and i genuinely enjoy spending time with her and watching her learn. I suspect that is true of most parents. I love every loud scream of joy that comes out of her mouth, and don't mind that I can't do things at the drop of a hat anymore.

    However, with that being said, you can still be yourself. It just takes more planning. You have to plan things in advance and find a sitter you trust. You can still be yourself. You can still enjoy time with friends and time with your partner. You just have to be more proactive about it. Also, I second the "take a shower, do your hair, put on same makeup". It will help you feel like yourself. I really prioritize that morning time. I know when my daughter wakes up and i just plan to be up earlier than she is.

    The weight will come off, but you might have to work at it, just make a plan and try to stick to it. Easier said than done!

    Enjoy the time you have now and the time it takes to conceive. But, you can still be "you" with a baby! Good luck!
    Ladies: Genevieve Brynn * Celia Bell * Beatrix Etta * Tess Josephine * Romy Lou * Eden Aurelia * Matilda Olive * Wren Caroline *Anya Elle * Ivy Virginia

    Gentleman: Tucker Ross * Maxwell Roger * Rowan Shane * Ellis James * Axel Bradley * Emmett Sullivan * Otto Flynn * Beau Layton * Talon Rhys

    Husband approved: Genevieve / Eden / Tucker / Rowan

    Rainbow baby girl - Hazel Jane - 10/17

    2nd rainbow baby due September 5th

  5. #14
    Join Date
    Apr 2015
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    1,860
    Quote Originally Posted by cactusgram View Post
    I had a lot of the same worries as you before and during my pregnancy. Reality is definitely not as bad as I thought it would be, in fact this has been one of the most rewarding times in my life. I wish I had let myself look on the bright side of things more before I had my baby.

    -Like PP suggested, do try to go on date nights if you have someone nearby who can watch the baby. Date nights at home are fun too (bottle of wine, nice meal, movie, talking). And if you can, try not to think of how your time with your SO will be limited, but how much more wonderful it will be with the addition of a sweet baby.
    -One reason we knew we were ready was that the prospect of not being able to go out as often or as freely didn't bother us so much anymore. I'm not saying that you should wait, but definitely think about how important that is to you both right now. Like PPs said, it might not matter so much to you when baby gets here!
    -Body changes are inevitable and everyone handles it a little differently. I was worried like you are, but honestly, I've embraced the changes. I made a baby and carried her for 9 months! And giving birth is one of the most amazing experiences. Also, a note about recovery: I was scared about this but within a week or two, I felt so much better.
    -About the noise/clutter/mess--I was worried about this too but you will completely fall in love with your baby's noises. The crying not so much, but all of the babbling is so fun. I don't like clutter either, so I organize the house at least once a day so it doesn't feel as chaotic. You will have to let go a bit though if you are an extremely tidy/clean person.
    -Things are harder with a baby but maybe not as hard as you think. I recently took my 3 month old on an airplane and it actually went surprisingly well. One plus is that the flight went so much faster than I remember! You're so focused on your little one.
    -Have you talked with your SO about these feelings? It could be good to be on the same page with each other. Like, do you plan to split baby-care as equally as possible? Will you both let each other get out of the house for 'me' time when you need it?

    One thing I wish is that I had not let internet horror stories about parenting and birth scare me. It's good to be informed but only to a point. Taking care of a baby is hard work but you will also experience the deepest love and most profound joy. You will fall in love with your husband all over again.

    Anyway, I'm telling you the positive side of things because I wish someone had done that for me when I was anxious! I tend to overthink things and worry but I just didn't know how amazing being a momma would be!

    Thank you so much for your detailed and honest reply. I really appreciate it! I know a lot of my worries are just my overthinking brain, so it nice to hear that a. other people have had the same worries, and b. they found that it wasn't as bad as they expected.

    Hubby and I have talked about my concerns. He's understanding, and he was the one that encouraged me to talk to other mums and get their perspectives to try and help me deal with the anxiety. Yes, we will share baby duties and things. We have always had a "team effort" approach to things in our relationship.

    It is nice to hear about all the positives, because my mind definitely strays to all the possible problems.

    Thanks again.
    Kay - 26yrs
    Wifey to my Sunshine - 17.2.17
    TTC September 2020
    .girls.
    Mercedes Aliyah Rose | Persephone Annabelle Rain
    Endelyon Arwen Elyse | Evangeline Haven Grace
    Apolline Aurora Wren | Xanthippe Raven Willow

    ...musing over Pandora, Kalliope, Seraphine, Delphine...
    ...possible MN: Violetta Snow...
    .boys.
    Othello Bentley Fox | Atlas Orion Boyd
    Oberon Story Zale | Peregrine Evander Quill
    Vincent Aurel Lark | Bowen Wilder Oak

    ...musing over Roman, Felix, Areion...


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