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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2014
    Location
    York, England
    Posts
    184

    Another miscarriage. How does one cope with this heartache?

    I'm currently going through a miscarriage. It's number 4 since we started TTC again. My 6th overall.

    I can't. I can't do this again. I want another baby. I want to have a third and complete our family but it just doesn't look like it will happen and I'm wondering what I am doing wrong or what I have done so wrong for this to happen.

    I feel bad for being so sad. We have two wonderful, healthy children who brighten even my darkest days. There are people in the world who don't have that. But I am so sad. My husband says we should stop for the sake of my mental health. He wants a third too but says it's not worth the heartache.

    He's right, I don't want to go through this again but what if I get pregnant again and carry to term? What if next time could be the one time that works? I feel so conflicted but right now we're going on a break until 2019.

    I don't really know why I am posting this. I just don't know where to go, I'm not on any other forums at all and everyone is always so lovely here. I guess I just need some support, hugs and love. We haven't told family about our struggles, so I don't really have anyone apart my husband to talk to.
    Adèle Josephine [15th June 2010]
    Léo Bastien [3rd October 2014]


    Possible Future littles:
    Rémy, Nicolas, Olivier, Sacha, Henry, Frédéric, Jacques, Gabriel, Julian, Valentin, Émile
    Cécile, Solène, Amélie, Camille, Evelyne, Mathilde, Inès, Léonie, Alice, Eloise, Juliette, Margaux, Violette

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2017
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    927
    I have no words of wisdom, only that I'm so sorry you are going through this and I wish there was something I could say that would comfort you.

    Please look after yourself, first and foremost, and take your mental health seriously. If that means taking a break right now, do it. If that means speaking to a therapist who might be able to provide you with better guidance and support, explore that option.

    I do want to say that this isn't your fault. I don't know why it is happening and I know it is a natural step to blame yourself but I don't think that's being entirely fair. Have you seen a doctor after so many losses? Are there tests that can be done to determine if there is a deficiency or physiological reason for them? I would make an appointment and see. You don't have all of the information yet and maybe something can be done that will increase your odds of carrying to term.

    You have every right to be sad. Or even angry and disappointed and frustrated. Those are all valid emotions regardless of whether you have two healthy children or none or ten. No matter how many children you have, this is something you want very much, and going through loss after loss is devastating. Let yourself grieve. Let yourself feel the full range of emotions.

    I don't know if any of this has been helpful. I've had one very early miscarriage (it may have even been a chemical pregnancy) and I consider myself extremely lucky. So I can't say that I know how you feel. But if you do ever want to talk, I'm here for you. I hope you get some answers really soon and make peace with whatever you decide to do going forward, whether that is to continue trying or to stop. There is no right or wrong answer here, only what is right for you and your family. I wish you all the best.
    Finn, Leo, and Kate <3


    Mila Elena Arabella | Mason Calder Declan


    Freya Violet Stella | Aurora Olivia Guinevere | Fia Lillianna Elizaveta | Morgana Rose Genevieve
    Juliet Belle Sophia | Anya Isla Persephone

    Oliver Caspian James | Callum Nicholas Evander | August Victor Hugo
    Theo Bartholomew Lincoln | Dimitri Matthew Balthazar

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    7,176
    I'm so, so sorry you're going through this, @stephi. Of course you're allowed to be sad! A loss is a loss, no matter how early, or how many losses you've had previously, or how many living children you've got. You absolutely mustn't feel bad about the way you're feeling.

    I can only echo what @lilimorgana has said so eloquently. There is no "right" or "wrong" answer in this situation, and there's also no requirement to make any kind of decision until you're ready... or even at all. Take your time to grieve and think things over; take as long as you need. And know that there's nothing you've done wrong or could have done differently.

    Sending lots of virtual hugs to you!

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jul 2014
    Location
    York, England
    Posts
    184
    Thank you all so much.

    I've had so many tests done but no reason has been found so far. Age is something mentioned frequently as the risk of MC rises with age and I am 37 and my husband is almost 40. Even if our age is not a main cause, it's likely a contributing factor. I wish there was a genetic reason for it, at least I would know for sure, but in a way it's comforting that they haven't found a reason because I know it isn't anything I have done wrong, or something that my husband or I carry.

    I haven't had therapy in a while. It helped last time and I can feel a lot of my old negative thought habits creeping back again, so I think it's time I referred myself for support once again. I'm sorry others have experienced the same pain. It's a kind of pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Hugs back to you all.
    Adèle Josephine [15th June 2010]
    Léo Bastien [3rd October 2014]


    Possible Future littles:
    Rémy, Nicolas, Olivier, Sacha, Henry, Frédéric, Jacques, Gabriel, Julian, Valentin, Émile
    Cécile, Solène, Amélie, Camille, Evelyne, Mathilde, Inès, Léonie, Alice, Eloise, Juliette, Margaux, Violette

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Feb 2018
    Posts
    20
    So sorry to hear about your miscarriages. you are a very strong person. Don't let this get the better of you. I think its time you consult your doctor and figure out why this is happening. I also think you should stop TTC for a while. I hope things get better for you. Good luck.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Location
    America
    Posts
    155
    Don’t ever feel bad or guilty for feeling the way you do. As far as I am concerned, you are a mother of six beautiful children.

    I miscarried quadruplets in December of last year, so I know the pain... there’s absolutely nothing like it and nothing can prepare you for the pain. It’s been almost 10 months since I lost them and I think about them EVERY DAY, and still cry. The pain will never leave you, but take comfort in the fact they you are their mother, and there is always, ALWAYS hope for more. Always.
    Violet Alice Sybil, Lydia Victoria Georgiana, Katherine Josephine Isobel,
    Rose Margaret Philippa, Adelaide Philippa
    Andrew Jonathan, Charles Richard, Thomas Kenneth,
    George Albert, Edward Arthur

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    545
    You are not alone. I am also 37. I have a kiddo who we had no trouble with, but now we've had 3 early losses in the last year. If you are able to open up to a close friend or two, you may just find out they've been in your position as well. It may feel less isolating, and you may be helping your friend as well. I'm so grateful to the first friend who opened up to me about her experience, having heard from her truly helped me get through it myself shortly after. Best wishes to you.
    Love my Thalia

    Irene, Helena, Rhea, Sylvia, Phoebe, Linnea, Simone, Mariel
    Nathaniel, Alden, Amias, Wilder, Jasper, Simon, Clement, Solomon

    Guilty Pleasures
    Ione, Kassiani, Acacia, Leander, Griffin, Cosmas

  8. #8
    I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My deepest sympathy and sincerest condolences. I have nothing to offer in ways of advice, but I just wanted to send my love and thoughts to you during this difficult time. <3

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