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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2014
    Location
    York, England
    Posts
    178

    Another miscarriage. How does one cope with this heartache?

    I'm currently going through a miscarriage. It's number 4 since we started TTC again. My 6th overall.

    I can't. I can't do this again. I want another baby. I want to have a third and complete our family but it just doesn't look like it will happen and I'm wondering what I am doing wrong or what I have done so wrong for this to happen.

    I feel bad for being so sad. We have two wonderful, healthy children who brighten even my darkest days. There are people in the world who don't have that. But I am so sad. My husband says we should stop for the sake of my mental health. He wants a third too but says it's not worth the heartache.

    He's right, I don't want to go through this again but what if I get pregnant again and carry to term? What if next time could be the one time that works? I feel so conflicted but right now we're going on a break until 2019.

    I don't really know why I am posting this. I just don't know where to go, I'm not on any other forums at all and everyone is always so lovely here. I guess I just need some support, hugs and love. We haven't told family about our struggles, so I don't really have anyone apart my husband to talk to.
    Adèle Josephine [15th June 2010]
    Léo Bastien [3rd October 2014]


    Possible Future littles:
    Rémy, Nicolas, Olivier, Sacha, Henry, Frédéric, Jacques, Gabriel, Julian, Valentin, Émile
    Cécile, Solène, Amélie, Camille, Evelyne, Mathilde, Inès, Léonie, Alice, Eloise, Juliette, Margaux, Violette

  2. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2017
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    767
    I have no words of wisdom, only that I'm so sorry you are going through this and I wish there was something I could say that would comfort you.

    Please look after yourself, first and foremost, and take your mental health seriously. If that means taking a break right now, do it. If that means speaking to a therapist who might be able to provide you with better guidance and support, explore that option.

    I do want to say that this isn't your fault. I don't know why it is happening and I know it is a natural step to blame yourself but I don't think that's being entirely fair. Have you seen a doctor after so many losses? Are there tests that can be done to determine if there is a deficiency or physiological reason for them? I would make an appointment and see. You don't have all of the information yet and maybe something can be done that will increase your odds of carrying to term.

    You have every right to be sad. Or even angry and disappointed and frustrated. Those are all valid emotions regardless of whether you have two healthy children or none or ten. No matter how many children you have, this is something you want very much, and going through loss after loss is devastating. Let yourself grieve. Let yourself feel the full range of emotions.

    I don't know if any of this has been helpful. I've had one very early miscarriage (it may have even been a chemical pregnancy) and I consider myself extremely lucky. So I can't say that I know how you feel. But if you do ever want to talk, I'm here for you. I hope you get some answers really soon and make peace with whatever you decide to do going forward, whether that is to continue trying or to stop. There is no right or wrong answer here, only what is right for you and your family. I wish you all the best.
    Finn and Leo
    Expecting a baby girl June 19, 2019!


    Kate Olivia Juliet | Calder Bartholomew Mason | Natalie Freya Elizaveta | Declan William Balthazar | Natalie Violet Elena | Elizaveta Daisy Freya


    Mila | Kaia | Ariana | Isla | Anya | Lydia | Stella | Aurora | Elaina | Fia | Ara

    Oliver | Caspian | James | Callum | Dimitri | Victor | Lincoln | Hugo | Theodore

  3. #5
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    6,327
    I'm so, so sorry you're going through this, @stephi. Of course you're allowed to be sad! A loss is a loss, no matter how early, or how many losses you've had previously, or how many living children you've got. You absolutely mustn't feel bad about the way you're feeling.

    I can only echo what @lilimorgana has said so eloquently. There is no "right" or "wrong" answer in this situation, and there's also no requirement to make any kind of decision until you're ready... or even at all. Take your time to grieve and think things over; take as long as you need. And know that there's nothing you've done wrong or could have done differently.

    Sending lots of virtual hugs to you!

  4. #7
    Join Date
    Jul 2014
    Location
    York, England
    Posts
    178
    Thank you all so much.

    I've had so many tests done but no reason has been found so far. Age is something mentioned frequently as the risk of MC rises with age and I am 37 and my husband is almost 40. Even if our age is not a main cause, it's likely a contributing factor. I wish there was a genetic reason for it, at least I would know for sure, but in a way it's comforting that they haven't found a reason because I know it isn't anything I have done wrong, or something that my husband or I carry.

    I haven't had therapy in a while. It helped last time and I can feel a lot of my old negative thought habits creeping back again, so I think it's time I referred myself for support once again. I'm sorry others have experienced the same pain. It's a kind of pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Hugs back to you all.
    Adèle Josephine [15th June 2010]
    Léo Bastien [3rd October 2014]


    Possible Future littles:
    Rémy, Nicolas, Olivier, Sacha, Henry, Frédéric, Jacques, Gabriel, Julian, Valentin, Émile
    Cécile, Solène, Amélie, Camille, Evelyne, Mathilde, Inès, Léonie, Alice, Eloise, Juliette, Margaux, Violette

  5. #9
    Join Date
    Feb 2018
    Posts
    20
    So sorry to hear about your miscarriages. you are a very strong person. Don't let this get the better of you. I think its time you consult your doctor and figure out why this is happening. I also think you should stop TTC for a while. I hope things get better for you. Good luck.

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