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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Aug 2015
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    1,159

    Husband has changed for the worse since our first baby

    Hi momberries,

    I’m having a bit of a problem. DH is quite irritable and yells and swears all the time. He was like that sometimes before we had our baby but now it’s a lot worse. He also won’t let me leave the house when I want to. He’ll restrain me and he knows it’s just to go calm down. I’ve explained it before.

    He’s on paternity leave for another 2 months. This is the first time we’ve been alone together so long.

    I’m trying to encourage him to get marital counselling with me because I can’t handle it. I told him I don’t want my son growing up hearing arguing and yelling all the time. I’m also going through a very hard time right now. My mom is dying of cancer. She has 3-6 months to live and is getting palliative care.

    I’m disappointed to say the least. Sorry for the long post.

    Anyone have advice or can relate?


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  2. #3
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Posts
    318
    Hi Theresa, this sounds like a really tough time

    Restraining you when you try to leave the house sounds a bit scary to me.. you say "he knows it's just to go calm down": so does he only attempt to restrain when you two are arguing? What kind of things are the arguments about, and with the yelling and swearing, they sound quite full on?

    When he yells and swears, is it 'at' you or baby? Or more of a "f-ing computer never working" kind of swearing? Is he physically gentle with both you and your son?

    When did he start paternity leave? It sounds like a very long leave. And if neither of you are getting out the house much - to see other friends and family, to go out for brunch, to take baby to baby swim lessons or the park - then I think that could contribute to any normal person getting irritable/depressed. Were you dating very long before getting married?

    Also, do you have other people nearby - other friends, family (clearly your mother's very unwell) - that you can talk to as well or get support from... even stay with if you felt you needed to?

    Sorry about all the questions!

    It could be worth looking into the possibility that your husband has a form of post-natal depression or anxiety, or is stressed/anxious about this sudden new baby in general, or about work and providing for a family or something like that. But that will be tricky if he's not the kind of person to recognise where he has a problem or be able to talk about it.

    Has he sounded at all open to your suggestion of marriage counselling? Counselling of some form sounds like a great idea. If he refuses, maybe you could go along by yourself just to have someone else to listen and offer support and advice?

    BUT first and foremost is your own safety and the safety of your child. Physically restraining you to prevent you from leaving your own home, is quite simply getting well into abusive/domestic violence territory. If you feel at all unsafe, if he makes any violent threats, if there's ongoing emotional abuse about things you aren't doing well enough or you not being good enough and he's not getting any help for himself... please put yourself and your child first and find a safe place to go? There'd be agencies to support. It would be difficult and stressful and might even mean the difficult decision to call quits on your marriage, but your health and safety do need to come first.

  3. #5
    I second everything Kiriko said. It may be post-natal depression, but please look after you and your baby.
    Physical restraint to me would definitely be crossing the line, and would definitely call for counseling at the least.
    I’m sorry to be so dramatic about this and I don’t want to cause you any more stress than I’m sure your already dealing with but just reading your post makes me concerned for your welfare. So please take care of yourself and your baby!
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  4. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by libelluleclaire View Post
    I second everything Kiriko said. It may be post-natal depression, but please look after you and your baby.
    Physical restraint to me would definitely be crossing the line, and would definitely call for counseling at the least.
    I’m sorry to be so dramatic about this and I don’t want to cause you any more stress than I’m sure your already dealing with but just reading your post makes me concerned for your welfare. So please take care of yourself and your baby!
    This encompasses everything I was going to write. I really want to stress what I’ve underlined as well.

    I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.
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  5. #9
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    3,407
    I agree with pps. His behaviour is not acceptable at all.

    Is there a hotline you can call in Canada for advice and suggestions?
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