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  1. #11
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    377
    I agree with PP's, this is totally unacceptable behavior, and, as someone who just left a relationship similar (although before I had children with him), this could be classed as a form of abusive behavior. You definitely should consider seeking help for yourself, to put not only your son, but also yourself first.
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  2. #13
    Join Date
    Jul 2017
    Posts
    1,897
    He restrains you? Honey, you need to leave. It won't get any better unless you take drastic action to show him it's unacceptable to treat you and your child that way. The safety of you and your son is more important than his feelings.

  3. #15
    Join Date
    Jul 2017
    Posts
    812
    You need to leave him.

  4. #17
    Join Date
    Mar 2018
    Location
    Pennsylvania
    Posts
    70
    Quote Originally Posted by silversky109 View Post
    Hi Theresa,

    I realize this has already been said but I think it needs to be said again. Restraining you from leaving the house is abuse. It's not a "bad mood," it's not just something done out of anger, it is literally the definition of abuse. I know this is painful to hear but your husband is abusive.

    I understand that you love him. I understand that he loves you. That's unfortunately irrelevant here.

    I have extensive personal experience with this subject. This is not an over dramatic reaction. Women are socially conditioned (or perhaps biologically programmed) to react to abuse with a "tend and befriend" method. (I suggest reading about it, it's very interesting!) When men perceive a threat, they engage in either "fight" or "flight" as everyone knows. But women have a third possible reaction: "tend and befriend." We try to make the threat calmer and we adjust our own behavior to accommodate and soothe the threat so it becomes no longer threatening. This, I believe, is what is happening with you when you ultimately decide not to leave the house because you "can get through it at that point."

    This is what you said:
    "He’s just mad in general at something or at me for what he considers is bothering him. When I leave and he restrains me it’s only during arguments. He yells and swears at me, not the baby. He calls me names and argues on a whim seemingly. Everything depends on his mood so I never know what reaction I’ll get."

    I want you to read that paragraph over again as if your best friend had said it to you. Imagine her sitting with you and telling you all that with tears in her eyes. What would you say to her? Would you tell her to stay with that person? Would you tell your son to stay with a partner who treated him this way?

    I'm sorry to be so blunt and I know this is very presumptuous of me to say to a stranger, but I've seen too many women in this situation and it has never, ever gotten better over time. I think you are far from a solution involving counseling. Unfortunately, this situation is unlikely to get permanently better. Yes, he'll be better for a few weeks or months but he'll snap again and it might be worse next time. I think you should start considering a divorce. I honestly believe it would be better to divorce this man than to raise your child in a house with a person who screams at his mother calling her names. It's very possible that your son growing up around this man will lead to him believing this is how men should treat women, that it is acceptable to restrain women and call them names. He may become an abuser himself. (I'm sorry for how offensive this probably sounds to you but this is a statistical possibility.)

    If nothing else, please please please do some research on abuse. In movies it's portrayed in a way that makes the abuser look like a monster with fists raised in the air, but abuse rarely looks like that. It usually looks exactly like your situation. There is nothing acceptable about his behavior and there is absolutely no justification for his actions that would lead me to believe that you or your son will be safe and happy with him longterm.

    I'm truly sorry that you are going through this. Please don't hesitate to reach out to me via private message if you want to talk further.

    I am so sorry, but I must agree this response is 100% correct. He is shouting at you, calling you names and insults, and restraining you - you are in an abusive relationship and you need to carefully, but deliberately, extricate yourself from him.

    You and I are strangers, but I am going to paint a very real and unpleasant picture for you, to try to contextualize the situation you and your son are in.

    My mother and father divorced when I was very young. My mother remarried a man who showed some red flags early in the relationship (similar to your husband), but she overlooked them as infrequent flukes.

    When I was 12, they had my sister. Almost immediately after the baby was born, something in her father/my stepfather changed. I was too young to know what happened, but I certainly felt the effects: he began to drink excessively, fight at work, spend money we didn't have, and isolate himself from the rest of the family. My entire family ate meals in complete silence for fear of setting him off.

    He would scream at/insult my mother. He would also restrain her from going places, and once even threw her across the kitchen so hard she dented the handle of the oven when she hit it.

    It did not get better, of course. He resisted counselling - certainly on an individual level, and he dismissed marital sessions as useless because obviously the counselor was just trying to impress/sleep with my mother.

    He began to drink and shout more and more. One day, already drunk, he tried to take the car to go buy more beer. My mother took the keys so he couldn't leave, and do you know what he did?

    He held his own baby daughter hostage until my mother gave in.

    I am not embellishing this story to alarm you. I was about 14; I very clearly remember my mother's terror. We moved shortly thereafter; packed up the entire house while he was at work, because she knew there was no other way to go. He wouldn't have let her leave if he had been there.

    I have several other stories I could tell you, but I hope this one brings you some clarity. For the sake of yourself and your child, you need to leave him. There will always be a "next time" and it will become progressively worse. I'm sorry, and I wish you the best of luck. Please seek help ASAP while you still can.

  5. #19
    Join Date
    Jul 2017
    Posts
    1,897
    He restrains you? Honey, you and baby need to leave. That's unacceptable and abusive. You and your child are in danger.

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