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  1. #6
    Join Date
    Aug 2015
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    1,159
    @kiriko It’s fine! Thank you for taking the time to respond.

    He’s just mad in general at something or at me for what he considers is bothering him. When I leave and he restrains me it’s only during arguments. He yells and swears at me, not the baby. He calls me names and argues on a whim seemingly. Everything depends on his mood so I never know what reaction I’ll get.

    I can always go to my grandparents but as I explained he always restrains me from leaving when it gets that bad. Like I’m not allowed to leave. By the time things calm down to where I could I don’t because I can get through it at that point.

    We’ve known each other our whole lives. Weve been together for over 7 years and got married 1 1/2 years ago after 6 years of dating.

    He’s willing to get counselling thankfully but he’s far from taking full responsibility for his actions. I just pray he will. You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.

    Thanks for everyone’s responses. My mom has told me the same things. I don’t want to think of divorce but if he won’t change then I won’t have a choice but to.


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  2. #8
    Join Date
    May 2013
    Posts
    901
    I’m glad to hear he’s open to counseling. Find a good therapist, do your research on their orientation, then weigh what you think may work well with both you and also your husband’s temperament.

    There has to be a hard rule against anything physical, and it may come once you’re seeing someone you both trust, as well as deeper insight on his part and taking responsibility for it.

    I will say that it’s common for people to have their early childhood stuff come up once they’re in a “truly” committed relationship. Maybe you know something about the way he grew up or what he’s had to face in his life (abandonment by a parent? Perceived or real). These issues are meant to be worked through, if at all possible. You’ve known each other for a long time, so there hopefully is enough of a trust base for this growth to happen.

    I’m glad you spoke up here, and I wish you the best in navigating through this time.
    Sage (*2013)
    Auriel (MC 2017)
    Expecting another boy! Due early 2019 and just joyfully settled on his name

  3. #10
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Posts
    5,073
    What he does by restraining you from
    leaving is abuse. He needs counseling, but not marital, he needs individual counseling in order to deal with his anger issues.

    Please, please make sure that you and your little one are physically safe.
    Mama to Isla Mae (11/25/14) & Sophie Ruth (5/2/2017)

    Names I love ...
    The Ladies
    *Vera Kate*Clara Jane*Ella Audrey*Cora Violet
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  4. #12
    Join Date
    Jun 2015
    Location
    East coast US
    Posts
    2,570
    Hi Theresa,

    I realize this has already been said but I think it needs to be said again. Restraining you from leaving the house is abuse. It's not a "bad mood," it's not just something done out of anger, it is literally the definition of abuse. I know this is painful to hear but your husband is abusive.

    I understand that you love him. I understand that he loves you. That's unfortunately irrelevant here.

    I have extensive personal experience with this subject. This is not an over dramatic reaction. Women are socially conditioned (or perhaps biologically programmed) to react to abuse with a "tend and befriend" method. (I suggest reading about it, it's very interesting!) When men perceive a threat, they engage in either "fight" or "flight" as everyone knows. But women have a third possible reaction: "tend and befriend." We try to make the threat calmer and we adjust our own behavior to accommodate and soothe the threat so it becomes no longer threatening. This, I believe, is what is happening with you when you ultimately decide not to leave the house because you "can get through it at that point."

    This is what you said:
    "He’s just mad in general at something or at me for what he considers is bothering him. When I leave and he restrains me it’s only during arguments. He yells and swears at me, not the baby. He calls me names and argues on a whim seemingly. Everything depends on his mood so I never know what reaction I’ll get."

    I want you to read that paragraph over again as if your best friend had said it to you. Imagine her sitting with you and telling you all that with tears in her eyes. What would you say to her? Would you tell her to stay with that person? Would you tell your son to stay with a partner who treated him this way?

    I'm sorry to be so blunt and I know this is very presumptuous of me to say to a stranger, but I've seen too many women in this situation and it has never, ever gotten better over time. I think you are far from a solution involving counseling. Unfortunately, this situation is unlikely to get permanently better. Yes, he'll be better for a few weeks or months but he'll snap again and it might be worse next time. I think you should start considering a divorce. I honestly believe it would be better to divorce this man than to raise your child in a house with a person who screams at his mother calling her names. It's very possible that your son growing up around this man will lead to him believing this is how men should treat women, that it is acceptable to restrain women and call them names. He may become an abuser himself. (I'm sorry for how offensive this probably sounds to you but this is a statistical possibility.)

    If nothing else, please please please do some research on abuse. In movies it's portrayed in a way that makes the abuser look like a monster with fists raised in the air, but abuse rarely looks like that. It usually looks exactly like your situation. There is nothing acceptable about his behavior and there is absolutely no justification for his actions that would lead me to believe that you or your son will be safe and happy with him longterm.

    I'm truly sorry that you are going through this. Please don't hesitate to reach out to me via private message if you want to talk further.
    Hillary | 27 | Cat Mama to Lily | Graduate student of Children's Literature

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  5. #14
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Posts
    753
    He physically restrains you from leaving, lashes out, says hateful comments, and calls you names??

    He can try to excuse it all he wants, and you're doing a good job rationalizing his behavior, but your husband is an abuser.

    Abusive husband-------> abusive father
    Mommy to Audrey Jeanine and Ezra Marvin

    Expecting Jasper Lee April 2019


    Some favorite girls names Eleanor ~ Matilda~ Clara ~ Scarlett ~ Clementine ~ Flora ~ Violet


    Some favorite boys names: Oliver ~ Henry ~ Theodore ~ Milo ~ Gideon ~ Hugo ~Sebastian





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