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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    1,901

    Miscarriage/StillBirth/Pregnancy Loss Support

    Just thought I would make a thread for the Mamas that have experienced a loss. I know there’s a few of us going through it right now and others that have been through it before.
    It helps to know that you aren’t alone and sharing your story and reading the stories of others is something I find genuinely helpful.

    Any loss is valid, whether you had an early loss/chemical pregnancy that ended days after finding out, or if you spent weeks/months bonding with a baby you will never get to know or meet. Additionally, if you made the difficult choice to have an abortion and are grieving that loss, you are welcome.
    There is no easy time to say goodbye to a baby.


    {sleep wake hope and then}
    e.e cummings

    TTC Our First
    Hoping on a Rainbow
    —————
    7w6d - 6w - 4w - 12w - 5w
    Patience - Opal - Hope - Haven - Wren
    Always with me.



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    1,901
    I’ll start for anyone that doesn’t know much of my journey yet.
    We started TTC back in September of 2017, and had no luck until February when we found ourselves expecting. However, that pregnancy was plagued by spotting and cramping from the beginning, my hcg was incredibly low at 4 weeks, and although I had hope, the pregnancy miscarried at exactly 6 weeks. I miscarried naturally, and it was over quickly luckily.
    I had intended on waiting for my next full cycle to try again, but ended up seeing several faint, but positive tests two days before my next period. Somewhat miraculous timing as we had only had sex once about 5 days before ovulation that month. That pregnancy ended only a few short days later when my period showed up on time.
    We immediately resumed trying, only to find out were were expecting again that very next cycle. 3 pregnancies in 3 months. I approached this pregnancy with hopeful optimism and made the most out of every moment and milestone. We had an ultrasound in the seventh week, which showed a growing baby with a strong heartbeat. This often means only good things, and our chances of miscarrying plummeted with that little heartbeat and healthy baby. We shared the news with many close to us, and I let my employers know at 10 weeks, everything was going well. My morning sickness was only getting worse and all the appropriate symptoms were there, I eagerly awaited my next view of baby at the ultrasound planned for 12 weeks 4 days. At the beginning of the 12th week I started getting a bad feeling that something was wrong, I tried to write it off as paranoia and anxiety. But at the ultrasound it was found that my baby no longer had a heart beat, baby was 12 weeks grown and had passed on only days before. Due to the bad feeling I was having, it wasn’t a great shock but it was incredibly devastating. The odds of a miscarriage at 12 weeks after the presence of a heartbeat, are very low... it was a blow, a hard one to take as our third loss when everything was going so well and it seemed alright to share the news and be hopeful and plan... now it’s a process of untelling people and reimagining the next year of our lives. I am not sure when we will try again.
    I just got off the phone with the early loss clinic, I will be having a D&C on Wednesday as it’s the recommended course of action for a pregnancy at this point and my preferred choice, I have no desire to miscarry at home. My baby looked like a baby at the final ultrasound, all curled up and small... I don’t want to experience passing it at home. The clinic and my midwife were both wonderfully supportive and said nothing but kind words and were very reassuring. The loss clinic said it must have been a shock due to the healthiness of the pregnancy up until that point...
    I am not sure when or how to move on from this loss and it’s incredibly hard to think about at this point.


    {sleep wake hope and then}
    e.e cummings

    TTC Our First
    Hoping on a Rainbow
    —————
    7w6d - 6w - 4w - 12w - 5w
    Patience - Opal - Hope - Haven - Wren
    Always with me.



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    Location
    United States
    Posts
    3,389
    Kibby, I can't even imagine how hard this most recent loss must have been, given how healthy everything looked for so long. I also just want to say that, when it comes to moving forward/trying again, don't rush. You need time to heal and to mourn. I do hope that, whenever you do feel comfortable trying again, that you guys are blessed with a super healthy little one!

    I wasn't going to post on this, other than that comment to you, because I still struggle with understanding our situations...but you made this pretty inclusive, so I feel comfortable expanding my post.

    I think a good number of Berries who frequent the MomBerries section remember a fair bit of our journey. We started TTC in February of 2016. I wasn't on birth control at any point, so we figured that we'd start trying immediately and that we'd quickly get pregnant. It didn't go that way. Months, then a year, passed with nothing. Then, in July of 2017, I took a pregnancy test. It was very, very faintly positive. I had to squint, but I swore that I could see the line. I waited a day or so and tested again. This time, the line was still faint, but definitely stronger. I decided to test again in a couple of days, to see if I could get a stronger positive. Instead, the test was negative. I went to the doctor and the pregnancy test there was negative, too. Around the next day, I started bleeding very heavy...worse than my normal periods. It was at that time that I learned what a chemical pregnancy was, even though it took a long time for me to really mourn and process it. It seriously didn't hit me until early this year.

    Fast forward to spring of this year. I had a medicated cycle, we had sex at the appropriate times, and I was really confident. I had strong nausea, dizziness, and a few other symptoms. When I tested, I got what appeared to be an extremely faint line. It was very quickly after that that I got several clearly negative tests and started bleeding. This one hit me much more quickly than the last time. This one, though, I have a harder time admitting what happened.

    Chemical pregnancies are so, so confusing. Since I had such faint lines on the pregnancy tests and since I never got to hear a heartbeat or anything, it is almost as though they didn't really happen. I told my mom the first time and she didn't believe me, which doesn't help things. My husband doesn't really understand, either, so I really feel like there is no support. It sucks.
    Alyssa

    Elim Nathaniel James due Feb 2020 <3

    "Beauty begins the moment you decide to be yourself"~ Coco Chanel

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Apr 2015
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    2,134
    I'm so sorry for what both of you dear ladies has had to experience. It just breaks my heart. I think you are incredible and powerful for continuing to stride on in your ttc journey despite these trials and heartache. I really want to commend your openness and willingness to share and support each other in such times - that's bold step, but a needed one, I think. I hope it helps your healing process. Sending you so much love, and many hugs. Your honesty and genuine spirits inspire me. Xx
    Now posting as @thelittlefairywren!
    ...felt the need for a fresh user...



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    1,901
    @mummacat - Thank you so much for your love and thoughts. It’s so important to find a community that will support and understand you during the ups and downs of the TTC journey, it comes easily to many women, and those stories are frustrating to hear when you struggle because you feel so alone and isolated, nobody likes talking about their failures.

    @Alyssa - I am so so glad you responded. I know you had struggled with your previous chemical pregnancy and then you hadn’t said much about those faint positives we were sure you received a few cycles ago, I had worried and wondered if you were grieving for that alone. The thing is, a positive is a positive and it’s a glimmer of hope it an otherwise discouraging journey. Chemical pregnancy or early miscarriage, regardless of what you want to label it can be a very real loss but it’s one that’s hard to explain to others as there’s no proof that it ever happened other than you knowing that for a brief moment you were pregnant before the possibility was snatched away. I will be honest, I didn’t even tell my fiancé about our second loss, that brief chemical pregnancy, because he is a very factual and logical person, I know he wouldn’t see it in the way that would be helpful to my healing process. In fact, only after this most recent loss is he beginning to understand that our first loss at 6 weeks is something that should be taken into account and considered. He had no idea that even a loss that early can be counted as a miscarriage towards my medical history. 5 months after the fact he is realizing that we are at least two miscarriages into the process and he’s doing research now in order to understand which makes my heart happy. Early losses aren’t something that are easily shared or understood. There’s so much shame and secrecy regarding a woman’s ability or inability to get pregnant and carry a child, but there’s no reason that any of us needs to grieve alone.


    {sleep wake hope and then}
    e.e cummings

    TTC Our First
    Hoping on a Rainbow
    —————
    7w6d - 6w - 4w - 12w - 5w
    Patience - Opal - Hope - Haven - Wren
    Always with me.



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Feb 2017
    Location
    Maine
    Posts
    84
    Thank you for this thread, I appreciate more than I can say the opportunity to share in a supportive place.

    I got married on New Year's Eve 2016. Around October 2016, my now husband and I decided it would be good to start trying. My cycle, which had always been regular, went haywire for the couple months before our wedding. I probably shouldn't have been surprised with the extra stress, but being 35 and prone to anxiety, I worried. Thankfully, I didn't have to worry long.

    We found out on Valentine's Day 2017 we were expecting at pretty much exactly 4 weeks. I have a wonderful OB who got me in right away for confirmation blood work and an early transvaginal ultrasound, based on my age and that it was my first pregnancy. A couple weeks later around 7 weeks, I had some spotting and another early ultrasound. Baby's heart was already flickering away, it was incredible to see. We went in about a month later, at 12 weeks, and had some bloodwork for non-invasive prenatal testing, and another ultrasound where baby measured perfect and had a strong heartbeat. Two more weeks and we got a call that let us know we were having a girl. Not only a girl, but she was at little to no risk of the major trisomy disorders, like down syndrome. Our celebration and relief was, sadly, short-lived.

    I ended up a few days after that call going to the ER due to swelling and pain in my leg. I knew I was at a higher risk for bloodclots, so I didn't want to take a chance. That was a Monday morning after I worked an overnight shift. My leg ended up being fine, but my blood pressure was elevated while in the ER, so they told me to follow up with my OB.

    I went to my OB on Friday April 28th alone, expecting a quick check on my blood pressure. It was still elevated, and while my OB was putting in orders for some more tests, the nurse practitioner decided to check on our baby girl with the doppler. Several tries, and I was sent to ultrasound. There was no heartbeat, although she was measuring in correctly at 14 weeks. She passed sometime in the few days between my ER visit and my OB appointment. No bleeding or cramping.

    Finding out how rare miscarriages are after first trimester with a confirmed heartbeat, I felt so lost and alone for so long. Slowly, I began finding stories of other miscarriages and have devoured any information I can find on high risk pregnancy. I finally started to feel I wasn't alone. Through this process, I also found out I have a bicuspid aortic valve, which can make the extra blood volume of pregnancy a concern. Finally, this past February my cardiologist said definitively that the narrowing of my valve is mild enough at this point to proceed with a pregnancy, which was really good considering we hadn't been being extra careful in preventing for a couple months at that point.

    The (hopefully) happy ending to this is that on May 15th, we found out we were expecting our rainbow. Though I can't say I have been able to enjoy being pregnant over the past 5 weeks due to our history, I hang on to hope with my husband's help. We have only told one dear friend who lives half-way across the country, so we have been a bit alone in our worry. We did recieve an early ultrasound at exactly 5 weeks to check for the possibility of twins due to slightly high hcg levels on my confirmation bloodwork, but it was too early to see anything but the gestational sack. I did, just today, after several hours of spotting, get a 9 week ultrasound. I finally got some of my breath back when our little one measured perfect and had a strong heartbeat. The journey is far from over, but I have some comfort in that I only have a week until a consult with maternal fetal medicine where we will get to see baby again.

    Thanks for listening, berries!
    Married 12-31-16!
    Jen * 37 * Cat Mom to Pixal, Katniss, Lee, & Bella * Word Nerd
    Our Rainbow is ready to shine... via 37+0 week induction January 1st, 2019

    Our short list we are taking to the hospital... (middle names not set in stone except to be an honor name)
    Cadence Valentine
    Zoey Elizabeth

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Posts
    528
    I am so sorry that anyone has to be on this journey. I have had two chemical pregnancies (one before my son and one after) and @Alyssa you couldn't be more right about how confusing they are. You see the positive test but you don't feel any symptoms, never hear a heartbeat, never make an announcement... you start to wonder if it really happened, if it really "counts". It's difficult. It was so hard for me to be fully invested in my current pregnancy because of the anxiety of something going wrong again.

    I hope someday there will be more understanding and compassion to mothers who miscarry early (as in, before the 2nd trimester) instead of platitudes like "it wasn't genetically compatible" (logically I'm aware of this!) or "it's God's plan" (even as someone who believes this one just made me so angry).

    My heart breaks for anyone who has had to endure the loss of a child whether it was 5 weeks or 40 (and beyond).
    Stellan / August / Nolan / Everett / Hollis / Rowan
    Maeve / Juniper / Marigold / Celeste / Marin / Margot
    / Jameson Lewis - October 2014 /
    / Rowan Asher - October 2018 /

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Posts
    437
    I'm so glad this thread now exists because today marks 4 years since we lost a baby at 14 weeks. We had done several tests, listened to her very healthy heartbeat several times and had even been able to determine through a blood test and later an anatomy scan that she was a girl. Two days after that scan her little heart suddenly stopped beating and we lost her. We only noticed at my routine exam four days later because the doppler wasn't able to locate her heartbeat. They had me go for an emergency ultrasound and they confirmed she had died. She very much looked like and was a tiny baby and so like you, @kibby, I decided to "give birth" to her at the hospital. I was just too distraught to have to go through anything at home, especially with Peter and Sabina there. We named our baby Beatrice June (June because of the month we lost her and Beatrice because it's what we had been planning to name her anyway). Naming her helped at the time and it took me an entire year to get over that loss in a way to begin trying for a baby again.

    We got our BFP with Dorothy towards the end of August 2015, just after two cycles of actively trying and in the beginning it was hard for me to believe that I was pregnant and that a baby was growing healthily inside of me. During the first 7 months of the pregnancy, I had this terrible fear that I would lose her, I even had a few panic attacks throughout and had to undergo therapy once a week all over again. My poor husband was also scared I might develop postpartum depression and all that but towards February my confidence that everything would work out and that my baby would live grew and it was then that I managed to finally start decorating the nursery part of our bedroom and pouring over names. And then, I think in March, my husband and I couldn't agree on any names and I joined Nameberry.

    My pregnancy with Bruno was completely different than the one with Dorothy. I think the fact that hers ended perfectly and she turned out beautiful and completely healthy did my confidence wonders. Being pregnant with Bruno was a piece of cake in comparison and even now, he is the calmest and sweetest of all my babies. He didn't take long to sleep through the night, took to the pacifier like a champ, barely cried and even in the colics and teething phases he was brilliant. And now the little rascal is crawling about and beginning to stand and soon he'll be running around and driving me mad.

    But despite everything, Dorothy and Bruno or any other baby will never replace Beatrice June in my heart. She's my child in heaven and in my heart, I have 5 children, not 4. I miss her every day and always wonder what she would look like, if she would love mashed potatoes like her sisters or hate lettuce. What her favorite color would be, if she would like glitter and sparkles like Sabina or be shy like her brother Peter. She would be 3 years old and about to start preschool in September now... It breaks my heart that I'll never be able to see her grow like I do her siblings.
    {for future fairytales}
    . . .
    Philippa Foxglove "Pippi" & Amelia Fairywren "Millie"
    Eva Wintergreen "Evie" & Aurelia Sweetpea "Aurie"
    Felix Turtledove "Fip" & Edmund Wintertale "Teddy"
    Wilfred Snapdragon "Willy" & Florian Silverbell "Fion"

    . . .
    Peter Nightingale & Sabina Mayflower
    Dorothy Wildrose & Bruno Hummingbird
    And finally, Eliza Waterlily!

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    1,901
    It warms my heart that so many of you find this thread to be helpful. It’s so tough to go through these things alone, especially as very few of us are open about our struggles and the pain involved.

    I have been laying low lately, officially no longer pregnant, I had my D&C on Wednesday and now just picking up the pieces and figuring out where to go from here.

    For those of you that keep trying and had successful pregnancies, or even more losses, how did you manage to get up the courage to keep trying? I am hoping I can try again in August depending on test results and everything else... but I am terrified to lose a 4th pregnancy this year, and part of me feels that if it happens again, I won’t want to risk another and give up on naturally carrying a child. I am running through options in my head of what happens next in our lives if that’s the case. Right now my heart hurts just thinking about it.


    {sleep wake hope and then}
    e.e cummings

    TTC Our First
    Hoping on a Rainbow
    —————
    7w6d - 6w - 4w - 12w - 5w
    Patience - Opal - Hope - Haven - Wren
    Always with me.



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Posts
    1,202
    I had a slightly differnet scenario. I use to be quite active on the board a few years back and then I kind of dropped off about a year and a half ago when my husband and I were in a rough spot.
    I found out I was pregnant while I was travelling for work. Completely unplanned. I called my husband and told him because I wasn't going to be home for two more weeks and couldn't stay quiet the whole time.
    His first response was "Let's keep our options open". I cried. Hard.
    We're better after much counseling with our own relationship, but our finanical situation has done a 180 from where we had been two years ago when my husband was enlisted.
    When I got home he told me he in no way shape or form wanted to be a father right now and wasn't sure if he ever wanted to be a father. That was news to me, he spent six years talking about how badly he wanted a child. Ideal timing or not. After another week of arguing, budgeting, and stress I had a D&E at 7 weeks.
    I was heartbroken. I knew that for my situation, I made the right call. My marriage would not survive a child with how strongly my husband no longer wants to be a father, we are struggling financially and even with both of us working two jobs there's still a lot of month at the end of the money. My parents are not supportive of me having a child anyway due to my depression and anxiety.
    My husband doesn't understand why I was so upset or why it's taken me six weeks to be able to have a conversation with him about it. To him, it wasn't anything worth being upset over. I'm conflicted and confused on how to mourn a child that I chose not to carry. I never heard a heartbeat or saw an ultrasound but I had all these dreams of holding my child in my arm that will no longer happen.
    I hold no ill will towards my husband over it. It was a decision that as heart breaking as it is, was the best decision I could make. I don't regret doing it. I just wish the circumstances had been more favorable to carrying this child.
    If we ever have a child is a seperate discussion, although he's said he doesn't care what the circumstances are, he will never ask me to go through it again after seeing how much emotional pain it's caused.

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