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Thread: Need help deciding
April 23rd, 2014 10:33 AM #1
Need help deciding
I need some impartial advice, and, not only are my friends and family not impartial, but I don't really want them to know we are thinking of this yet.
My fiance and I are considering trying to conceive... well, not even trying, but not using protection and seeing what happens. The problem is that I change my mind daily whether we should or should not have a baby right now and why and why not. I know many people say that if you wait for the timing to be perfect, you'll wait forever, and I don't want that to happen.
We have been together for two years. We own a house, both have great jobs (and he would be finishing up school right around the time a baby would likely come and have an even better job). We both really want a baby and are ready for one. We have other people in our lives having babies, or who have young children and we are desperately jealous.
But we are planning a September 2015 wedding and a honeymoon to London, and having a baby might not change the wedding part, but I doubt I would want to leave my 6 month old for 10-14 days to go to London. But I keep telling myself that seems like a pretty lame reason to not - we could wait to go to London. It isn't like London is going anywhere.
My other huge hesitation is what our family will think. His will be thrilled (his mom and aunt especially), but mine will be skeptical. They are more the "wait till it is right" kind of people. If it was a "woops, we're pregnant" kind of thing, they would be like, oh, okay, cool. But knowingly going in to it they will likely think we are crazy.
I'm just so topsy turvy over this. I'm going to be 27 in June, and we want a big family (4-5 kids)... but if we wait until after we're married I'll only be 28/29, so it isn't like we're on a huge time crunch either.
I know this is a huge and personal decision, but I think hearing from some people completely outside of the situation would really help me finally make up my mind.
April 23rd, 2014 12:25 PM #3
I'm going to summarise the best that I can:
I think it would be rude of your family to ask whether a pregnancy was intentional or not. A pregnancy is a pregnancy!
I know you said that you both have great jobs, but would it be better to wait until your fiance HAS the better job?
I don't think the jealousy of other peoples children should be a factor in your decision.
Some families really freak about having a baby before marriage, but it sounds like your family would be supportive!
Would you take your 6 month old to London? But I agree, my cousin and his wife just had their honeymoon five years after their wedding, and their kids are 3 and 1.
Would your partner stay on track with school having a pregnant wife?
All in all I don't think it would hurt to stop trying and see what happens And if nothing happens straight away, or for a while, it might pay to go to a doctor and get the issues checked out. It breaks my heart to see people who wait until a certain time in their lives (say age 35) to conceive and once they do, they have fertility issues and it sets them back and in the end they are too old for treatments or to adopt.Matilda Kate (Therese), Vivienne (Saint) Lux, Adelaide (Margaret) Dahl.Vincent John, William Charles.
April 23rd, 2014 01:25 PM #5
I guess I'm traditional in that I find it strange that a wedding needs to wait for a year and a half, but a baby sounds great right away.
If it were me, I'd get married this summer, go on a honeymoon, and then if and when the baby happens--great!Top Names: Benedict Calvin & Noelle Geneva
Olivia/Livy : Darah/Bethel : Eve/Verity
Eli/Solomon : Luke/Zane: Levi/Phineas
Due in January!
April 23rd, 2014 03:01 PM #7
Please consider this advice: Give yourself a year of marriage before you try to conceive. Your relationship will change when you get married. I don't know why it is exactly, but it happens to everyone. Give yourselves some time to adjust before you add pregnancy or babies to the mix.
No only that, I would think you'd want to start settling into your careers after school, figure out your living situation (do you own your home?), pay for your wedding & honeymoon/traveling AND save some money... having a baby now will make those things very difficult.
I think you should make a plan, and plan (especially your finances) to see if you can make it work & get to where you'd like to be in say 5 years. With or without babies.
If you haven't done it yet, go do some premarital counseling. It will help you set up your expectations for your marriage, and I think you DEFINITELY should do it before you start having kids.
Don't be in a rush. True some people always find a reason to put things off, but I don't think thats what you are doing - you are just setting yourselves up to be ready to have kids & make sure when you do have them that you are able to give them the best life possible.Azula Rosemary
Osiris Mercury James
-maybe one day-
April 23rd, 2014 03:33 PM #9
Thank you all for the advice/counsel. You've given me some other things to think about!
@kala_way Just to clarify on the wedding thing - the only reason it is not happening this year is that my sister is getting married in August, and our fiances are cousins, so we'd like to give both sides of the family some time to recover, especially since one side is not very financially stable.
We are financially stable though, for further clarification. We own our home, we have a nest egg, we have the money for our wedding all but set aside. I am settled into a career, and yes, my fiance is still in school, but only has internships left and then is done. But that is something to consider - how he would handle another thing on his plate. I've been thinking so much about how the pregnancy would affect my life while I was pregnant, but did not consider that he would also be affected. I was thinking of him after the baby would come, but not before.
Again, thanks for the help! I think I will mention these things to my fiance tonight, as I think he is in the same topsy turvy place as me!