Sorry, computer cut me off....But again, everyone is different with what they feel is best *for their family* and what works for somebody may not work for you. I know my sister has MS and her drs recommended they have children younger rather than wait...she was 28 when her oldest was born and then 30 having her 2nd (and last) child. Had she waited until she was a few years older, who knows what toll it would have had on her health afterwards (MS goes into remission when pregnant, but afterwards both time, it "made up for lost time" and was bad...) not to mention actually getting pregnant (took her over a year with her first). But then again, my one SIL waited until she had her doctorate and was able to get into a position where she could work part time after she had kids so that meant being almost 36 when her oldest arrived due to career goals.
Like *many* things involving children and raising there of, blanket statements are never the way to go. Ever. Each family, situation, and goals are so different and what works for you might not work for the next person.
I won't lie, the comments in the OP touched a nerve with me, and I'm not even a particularly young parent. I'm in my mid twenties and expecting baby number 2.
Anyway, things like this usually make me go off on a rant but I'll refrain.
Age does not define the type of parent you will be. One of my best mom friends is 42! She had her DS (also her first child) the same month Amelie was born. We met at a labour yoga class. Our age difference made zero difference because we were going through exactly the same things at the same time: we experienced a lot of our firsts as mothers at the same time.
I don't understand being worried about being the oldest parent, you are all mothers, I don't see why you need to be the same age as someone to get along with them, especially about something such as parenting?
I'll also say that good circumstances don't always equal a great home life. I can think of plenty of examples of people I know who "technically" did it all perfectly: Went to Uni, got a good degree, got a masters, got married, bought a house, THEN had kids and still ended up totally miserable.
Life has no promises. One of my mottoes is "If you really want it that badly, you'll find a way to make it happen". I think this applies to having children, too.
I just wanted to add that a friend of mine had a baby two years ago at 45 (we were friends already even though I'm 29 - we worked together) and she wasn't the oldest mum in her mother's group! There was another woman who had a baby at 47. So, I wouldn't worry about being the oldest mother at 30!
Other people do feel this way. It's not mean. It's normal. However, we don't know their circumstances. Perhaps they do have a stable relationship and steady income. I know it sometimes seems like the world is conspiring against you. I understand impatience for life to have a new beginning, to feel the joy of motherhood...and who wants to feel old?
When a woman is over 35 it is more difficult to get pregnant. Women over 35 that are pregnant are treated differently and hospitals give them a special floor and call it the geriatric section. Society makes women think that they should be having their children before they are 30. But 30 isn't that old!
I am one of the older women on Nameberry and I often feel like I don't have much in common with other posters. Usually I just stick to the posts about names. We have that in common - a love of names.
I worry that I will be asked if my child is my grand child one day. I am in my late 30s, pregnant with my first.
It just happened that way. My husband and I struggled. Once we have our child, I am sure I will forget about the way I felt about all the other people that seemed to have it so easy. Our baby will be born when it is supposed to be born. We will be parents, whether we are ready or not. It seems like nobody is ever really prepared for it. I have heard the first few months referred to as the 4th trimester!
You will have your baby or babies when the time is right for you. Try not to worry about everyone else.
Emilia I think with everyone defending either being a young mom or an "older" one we completely forgot to give this as advice.
Originally Posted by emiliaj
Thanks for putting it out there.
I always wanted to be a "young mom" (agreeing that this term is highly relative; ) however, that's not the way things worked out for us. Between getting 5 degrees between us, buying a home, starting 2 careers, losing a job, foreclosing on a home, picking up the pieces and moving on..... a baby has not happened for us in the 8 years we've been married. Now at 28, I am dealing with the very real possibility if infertility in the form of endometriosis. Looking back, I sometimes wish we would have started our family sooner, but honestly, it was a blessing that we didn't. Dragging a child through all of the heartache we've been through the last few years would have been a nightmare. So while I DEFINITELY hear my bio clock ticking louder and louder as each day passes, I'm actually glad we don't have kids yet. We definitely had several years to grow up together and experience numerous adventures, good and bad. I wouldn't change that. I guess my two cents would be to cherish what you have, and try not to be a slave to the "what ifs" or the green eyes monster. I guarantee that some of your friends with several children envy your baby-free life, (as I have encountered these comments time and time again.). Best of luck to you!
I'll might get slammed but I'm not going to change my opinion to please others.
Firstly, I was 25 when I had Bugsy, it made me young compared to the mothers in my mums group who were all around 35. I say he was half planned, I want of BC and then got scared and went back on, but I was already pregnant.
Although not important to everyone, it was important to me and my husband that we had both experienced life and finished university before we got pregnant. We traveled and partied, and had fun before we had Bugsy, not that you can't do that with children, it's just much harder! We also owned a home, which our parents helped us out with. I completely, completely understand that it's not a possibility for everyone.
The fact is, it takes more than love to raise a child, no matter how you phrase it, financial security is important. I am not suggesting you need to be flushed with cash, but during pregnancy being comfortable is helpful. I didn't want to be stressing about money in such a happy time in my life.
For me it was about being able to support ourselves while I wasn't working (I had 8 months off work, but I guess that isn't the norm), I wanted to spend as much time with Bugsy as I could while he was small.
My mum on the other hand, had her first baby at 20, my sister, at 23 she had my brothers (twins) and then at 44 she became a grandmother for the first time when my sister had her first. My mum got clucky and crazily decided that she wanted one more baby...me! I think she was slightly nuts to "plan" it that way but it has worked out for the best, I grew up with my nieces and nephews one of whom is a year older than me! My sister is already a grandmother and I am just having my second baby! Anyway, that's probably not that relevant.
So really the decision to have a baby shouldn't be put on anyone else except the people who are involved. You are in control, so if you want to, wait. In no way is thirty too old to be starting out!
P.S Emilia's advice is gold!
This is an interesting discussion. I don't think there is one right or best way for a woman to live her life. Everybody must decide what is best or right for them and hope that it works out the way they planned.
I had my son at age 32 after earning my Ph.D., starting my career, and being married for 2 years. This was right for me because I valued education highly, wanted a challenging career, and wanted to make sure I wasn't going to struggle financially while raising children. I fully acknowledge this path would not be right for everyone and it is not the best path. However, it was the best path for me.
What I would suggest to the original poster is to really spend sometime thinking about your choice to delay having children as long as you laid out. Is it really what you want or is it what your partner feels best and so you are ltrying to convince yourself it is best? The reason I ask that is most people who are confident in their decisions don't worry or get angry about how others live their lives. I don't ever remember looking at a young mother and thinking she shouldn't have had children so young so I wouldn't feel older when I had mine. In my 20's when I saw young mothers, I would think "as long as she is happy with her choices, good for her - glad its not me."
The only other thought I have on this topic is that life is what happens when we are busy making other plans. Planning only goes so far; things may or may not work out the way you plan. I was speaking to a wise women with an 11 year old son yesterday. She grew up in a family of 7 children and wanted at least 3 of her own. She felt it would be terrible for a child growing up as an only. She did not have any problems having her first child but then suffered 3 miscarriages. Eventually, she decided she could choice to be miserable over what she didn't have or happy over what she did have. And she choice to be happy. Now she concentrates on the advantages she can give to an only child that he would have if they had more children while trying to find ways for him to feel more connected to a larger family (cousins, etc.)
I have been a younger mom and an older mom. Each has its ups and downs. I was 23 when I had my oldest son. People have always said that I look younger than I am, so at 23, I often got "you can't be a day over 17!" Old ladies at the grocery store, library, bank, etc would ask me if he was my little brother or turn their noses up at me and ask if I'd finished high school! lol It bothered me. And while I really wanted to tell them it was none of their damn business, I would just inform them that no, he was not my little brother, he was my son and yes I did finish high school and was almost finished with college. I corrected them in hopes that they would feel bad for being so judgmental and perhaps save the next poor girl in her early twenties.
I actually agree with the comments about age and energy level. I had my first at 23 and second at 29. Wow, was there ever a difference for me in the amount of energy I had and my body's ability to recover from childbirth! At 23 I felt much better, much faster after having him. I lost baby weight quickly and easily. I could go and go and go on little sleep with a newborn. I took care of him, had a job and stayed in college part time. At 29 it seemed like it took forever for my body to heal from childbirth. I couldn't deal as well with lack of sleep. I could barely take care of both kiddos, work part time and remember to brush my hair! And I never lost all of the baby weight! I am having #3 in a few weeks, at 32, and am a little worried with how I am going to keep up enough energy to play with and take care of a 9 year old, 3 year old and a newborn.
Knowing what I know now, if I had the chance to go back, I would have had all of my kiddos closer together, younger, through my twenties. I say that because I would like to hope that when my boys are teenagers, I will still be young and hip and with the times enough to be able to talk to them and know what's going on with them. I do want to get them raised, off to college, out of the house, so the hubs and I can enjoy some time together again before we're 90. I don't want to be mistaken for their grandparents at high school graduation. lol I want to be around to see grandchildren and great grandchildren!
I don't think there is a right age or perfect time to have a baby. There will be pros and cons at any age. But I'm pretty sure, no matter how old you are, when you get to have a child, the pros outweigh the cons by far every time!