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April 10th, 2012 07:51 AM #11
To answer the delivery thing, It's not that I don't want them in them in the room. I just don't want them at the hospital period. I do not have a good relationship with my mom and I am not very close with my fiance's family. We met in college and so I only see his family like twice a year. It's not that their bad or anything, but I had a bad experience with my family and I just don't want to deal with the drama in the hospital and I don't want them holding my baby when I am too tired to watch. I am going to be very overprotective of my future baby probably because of what my mom has done to me. I don't want her to turn my baby into a family hater like she did me.
My relationship is fine and everyone is happy that we are getting married.
As for the C-section thing. Just reading that makes me sick. It's not just seeing it that will make be freak out, but just knowing it and "feeling" it will creep out and cause me to hyperventilate. We plan on talking to a doctor about this since I would probably have to be knocked out for the procedure if they don't want me to hyperventilate or scream.... A C-section is our last resort though so hopefully we won't even need one.
April 10th, 2012 09:02 AM #13Senior Member
- Join Date
- May 2011
I hope you are able to get over your fear before the birth. While it may not seem like an issue now, in the future you may regret missing the birth of your baby. I know its something that would upset me, if I missed it.
Its one moment that when gone, can never be brought back. That feeling of looking at someone brand new for the first time is something that can't be recreated.
So for your own sake I hope your natural birth goes to plan and I wish you the best of luck!Proud Mama to Two Perfect Little Ladies.
Big Girl, 25.04.2007
Small Girl, 06.09.2011
Wanting to be Pregnant & Hoping for a 2013 Blessing.
Alice Victoria Primrose | Annabella Sophie Faye
Noah Gabriel Joseph | Zachary Roman James
Vote on my name list here.
April 10th, 2012 12:43 PM #15Senior Member
- Join Date
- Sep 2011
It seems like you have some pretty serious concerns. Every woman who has ever been pregnant has had to deal with these same issues. Not necessarily to the same degree, but they are valid concerns.
I think it's okay to hide the pregnancy for a little while. With DS 1 we told everyone in our families right away. I asked them specifically to not tell anyone that I hadn't told personally until I was further along. Well, that was on a Sunday morning, and when we all went to church, all of a sudden everyone was congratulating me... My mom told everyone. I know she was so excited, but it made me really upset. I was just 6 weeks along. With DS 2 we were in a different situation... DH and I had both lost our jobs and living at my in-laws house. My husband and I were ready for another baby and figured it would take a few months to get pregnant, by then he would have a job and we could move out again, etc. I got pregnant the very first try. He got a job just a couple of weeks after conceiving, so by the time I was able to take a pg. test he had just started his new job. It wasn't great money and didn't allow us to move out right away but it was okay. Because of all of this, we didn't tell anyone I was pregnant. Seriously, no one. My MIL figured it out when I was about 12 weeks because I was violently sick, but my FIL was happily oblivious. I told my sister when I was 12 weeks, and my mom at 14. My relationship with my parents is very good, so I wanted my mom at my ultrasound with me. I didn't tell my brothers, my dad or my FIL until I was much further along. I was 5-6 months pregnant when my brothers and dad found out. They understood why we didn't want to tell them, but I know also that it hurt their feelings. I failed to think about how supportive they might have been, and thought only of my little family and our situation. Hindsight is always 20/20, and I should have told them earlier. My FIL is a different story... I don't know how he would have reacted, but DH's relationship with him is not good. He didn't want to tell him because he didn't want him to "suck away our joy", so to speak. My FIL is just like your mother, from the sound of it. I was 4 weeks from my due date before he found out. I was pretty small, though. We had moved into the condo we live in now at that point (Actually about 12 weeks prior to the babys birth.) He was so excited to find out he was getting another grandson when my DH finally told him. Sorry for such a lengthy explanation, but I hope it illustrates some important points to you.
As for the hospital... Ugh. No one likes hospitals, do they? I don't. Those stupid beds are so uncomfortable. The staff can seem bossy sometimes, but they are there to help you. When I was in labor with DS1 and it wasn't going anywhere, I was allowed to have 3 people in the L&D room with me. I had my dad, my mom, my sister, sister-in-law, FIl and MIL all alternating. I was fine with it until I was in a lot of pain. It was late by then anyway, and they went home to sleep. When I was ready to push, there was one nurse, my DH and the doctor. Like a PP said, hospitals are pretty strict about who is allowed in the L&D room with you anyway. I know your mother is an overbearing, angry person, but there is a chance she won't even want to be in the room with you anyway. If she lives far away, maybe you can call her after the baby is born, tell her your experience a little, and introduce the baby when you are feeling better. The decision is certainly yours. But most people are perfectly willing for parents of children to be the decision-makers, they don't want to step on toes, and even if they do, it's not usually with who gets to be in the L&D room.
On to c-sections... I have similar fears regarding a c-section. I refused to have one. My First OB with DS1 was planning on giving me a c-section without my consent. He told me it wasn't necessary to give him a birth plan. He told me that my hips were too small to deliver a baby and I would labor for a long time, and push for hours, and then he would have to perform an emergency c-section. This was HIS birth plan for me. I switched doctors with just 7 weeks left before my due date. My next doctor was far superior. I told him I under no circumstance wanted a c-section. He was horrified at the other doctor and told me he wouldn't perform a c-section unless it was absolutely, medically necessary. I delivered both of my boys with no trouble. I pushed 5 times for DS1 and twice for DS2. It is important to find the right doctor, CNM and/or Doula. I agree with lucykate that pregnancy is not fun all the time, or sometimes even at all. It kinda sucks. But you also know that you get to hold a little person that you and DH made, that your body created from two little tiny cells. And when you do hold that little baby, the pain you experienced will be wiped from your memory.
Best of luck to you and your Fiancee! I know that you will be able to make the best of your situation with your family and friends being so far away. Having a baby is such a wonderful, exciting time. It is also a time of a lot of fear. Don't let the fear hold you back in any way, whether it's with your mom, your fiancee, friends or yourself.
Last edited by ariannew; April 10th, 2012 at 12:45 PM. Reason: grammatical error. :-)Proud mommy to Nicolas Alexander (5) and Ethan Scott (3). Would loooove to have a little girl in our family next!
Threw out the old list. Looking for a new one!
April 10th, 2012 01:52 PM #17
@ariannew - Thanks
I know I will probably hurt feelings, but I don't think it would make feel bad because it would be my choice and it's what I am comfortable with. The only person who really needs to know is my fiance' since it is our baby. That's just how I feel. I also have a strong desire to have a girl and if I had a boy, I think I would be heartbroken. So that's kind of another reason to wait for the gender before telling since everyone will probably be excited while I'm super disappointed. I think it's kind of a physiological thing that I desire to have a girl so much that I also fear I might not love a boy even if I gave birth to it. My fiance', who isn't a therapist, thinks it could be my desire to have a best friend that makes me so desperate to have a girl (which was another reason I kind of fear getting pregnant because there is no way to guarantee a girl). I am not very good at making friends and the only true friend I have is him, which is amazing, but at the same time it stinks since I have no one to do girly things with.... Personally, I think it's just because I had a bad experience with guys. My friends always dated losers/jerks and so I was always surrounded by guys that I hated. I also want a girl so I can talk to her about "boys" and give her "the talk" and all that when she's older. I can't do that with a boy, that would be awkward.... so there's another fear of mine to throw out there!
April 10th, 2012 02:28 PM #19Senior Member
- Join Date
- Mar 2012
- Southeast, USA
Now, I know this is cliche, but perhaps it would behoove you to sit down with a professional and talk about your concerns, especially about the love the girl baby/hate the boy baby issue. That's a BIG deal. If you're not prepared to love whatever sex your child turns out to be, perhaps consider waiting and working through some of your concerns with the help of your fiance and/or a professional. While everything you say is certainly valid, there are a lot of red flags in the things you're saying that signal there may be more work to be done with you and your fiance before you're ready to seriously consider a baby. You want your child to be loved, that's obvious, and that's a great starting point to getting to a much happier, confident state to be in before considering having a child (or adopting, or whatever.)
Whatever way you choose, good luck to you and your fiance. You guys sound like you're trying to stay on a good path. I very much hope things work out happily in the end for you and your family.Girls - Abigail, Georgianna, Anne, Charlotte, Claire, Genevieve, Annette, Eliza, Felicity, Hannah, Noelle, Eugenie, Grace, Phoebe, Philippa, Cecilia, Cecily, Elizabeth, Hollis, Piper, Lorelei, Vivienne, Paige, Carolina, Isobel, Lucy, Molly, Georgia, Victoria, Naomi
Boys - Bobby Sparklefritz until H can offer suggestions. Ones I like: Rory, Owen, Tyler, Ian, Elliot, Alexander, Ephraim, Levi, Jacob, Reid, Avery, Nathan, Miles, Jasper, Spencer, Toby, Dean, Philip