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April 8th, 2012 01:16 PM #1
Keeping the Baby a Secret - When To Tell?
I am not pregnant, but we are planning on having a baby sometime in the near future (1-2 years from now).
I was planning on keeping the baby a secret for a good amount of time. We live a state away from any of our family so it would not be hard to hide it as long as we do not visit anyone. My main concern is that I might miscarry and then I don't want everyone to know I am pregnant and all of a sudden everyone feels bad for me. So I plan to keep it a secret until I know the baby's gender and throw a "Surprise Shower," kind of the opposite of a surprise party, where the guests are the ones surprised.
Do you think this is a good idea? Or do you think people will be upset? Have you done something like this or do you plan to?
I defiantly plan on keeping the baby's due date a secret because I really do not want anyone but my husband to be in the delivery room. This was kind of our deal since I would rather adopt, but he wants a baby, and I do not want anyone to see me in labor but him. We will of course tell people after I am out of the hospital. I just don't want to have to deal with people while I am in pain. I throw up just from cramps, giving birth scares me and at the same time I do kind of want the experience, but the pain scares me. I mean if I throw up just from the pain I have when I am on my period? How painful is having a baby?
What do you guys think? What did you guys do?
April 8th, 2012 02:34 PM #3Senior Member
- Join Date
- Mar 2012
- Southeast, USA
If I were your family and suddenly got a call out of the blue "Hey, guess what, you're a grandma!" I'd be more than hurt that you didn't tell the family about the baby. Especially if I'm a sibling or parent or grandparent, it would crush me that you guys didn't tell me. (This only applies if you have a good relationship with your family. If you don't, then this whole thing is moot.) We haven't told our families yet - I'm only two months along, and DH and I agreed not to tell anyone until I'm at least 3 months. But I wouldn't dream of completely excluding them from the pregnancy altogether.
As far as the "surprise shower" goes - bad idea. Either you tell family and friends you're pregnant and they throw you a shower, or you don't tell them and you don't get a shower. You can't have both. It's incredibly rude and presumptive.
Your family doesn't get to storm the gates in the delivery room. You get to determine who is in the room with you, and who can visit you in your recovery room. Tell the hospital only DH is allowed to be with you, no one else. Our hospital has a 1-person in the delivery room policy anyway, and of course my husband gets that slot. Everyone else is going to have to wait in the waiting room until DH says they can come see me in recovery - one a time. If you're truly concerned about family interference, let the hospital know in advance, and consider hiring a doula or midwife to help ensure the process goes smoothly and calmly. In addition to being there for the actual birth, many doulas and midwives also help run interference with families, ensure your birthing plan is followed, support your DH, etc.
As far as pain, if you're truly that terrified of having a baby, then you and DH need to seriously sit down and have a heart-to-heart about this. If fear of pain of pregnancy and birth makes you sick and terrified, then DH needs to take that into consideration. It is wrong of him to insist on your becoming pregnant if it truly terrifies you that much. Pregnancy and birth is naturally a little scary the first time - that's normal. But if you're truly that upset by it, go with DH to the doctor and have a long list of questions about what it will be like, what kind of pain can you expect, what kind of pain medications are available, etc. Modern medicine offers lots of options that provide if not a completely pain-free, at least much more comfortable delivery.
Another option to consider is surrogates, if he wants a baby and you don't want to be pregnant. Ask your doctor about this and how it works. It's more expensive, but it might be a viable option and a good compromise. I don't know anything about it other than the option exists.
I can't say that I love being pregnant, personally. I'm just not one of those women who naturally feels beautiful while pregnant and thinks it's just the most wonderful thing in the world and I can't imagine any joy greater. I truly can imagine many greater joys, and it's not the most wonderful thing. However, I'm not terrified of birth or what's to come, and I'm over the moon that I can give my DH the child he's always wanted. You and your DH need to determine how and when you're going to do this, if at all. Look at all your options and ask your doctor any questions you have.
Good luck!Girls - Abigail, Georgianna, Anne, Charlotte, Claire, Genevieve, Annette, Eliza, Felicity, Hannah, Noelle, Eugenie, Grace, Phoebe, Philippa, Cecilia, Cecily, Elizabeth, Hollis, Piper, Lorelei, Vivienne, Paige, Carolina, Isobel, Lucy, Molly, Georgia, Victoria, Naomi
Boys - Bobby Sparklefritz until H can offer suggestions. Ones I like: Rory, Owen, Tyler, Ian, Elliot, Alexander, Ephraim, Levi, Jacob, Reid, Avery, Nathan, Miles, Jasper, Spencer, Toby, Dean, Philip
April 8th, 2012 05:17 PM #5Senior Member
- Join Date
- May 2011
I think keeping the news to yourself until your first scan (usually around 12 weeks unless you pay for a private early one) is absolutely fine and acceptable. There is a huge risk of miscarrying during the first trimester so saving yourself unnecessary heartache is understandable.
I agree with PP that if I suddenly got a phone call announcing a new family member I'd be hurt that I wasn't told. Therefore, keeping it a secret till 13 or so weeks is fine, but at that point I think you need to start telling people. You for sure can keep your due date a secret. Tell anyone that asks that you are due at Christmas/Mid-Summer/Beginning of Spring rather than giving a specific month or date.
Contractions are by far the most intense pain I have ever experienced in my life, and the pain when baby is crowning is worse. But you'l have a set goal, you'll know that labour won't last forever (the doctors will only let you labour for a sustained period of time, and if there is no progress, they will section you) so you'll know yourself that your end goal is near.
I think its beautiful and I loved being pregnant. That said I had two complication free pregnancies and births so I'm probably the wrong person to ask.
Best of luck whatever you do!Proud Mama to Two Perfect Little Ladies.
Big Girl, 25.04.2007
Small Girl, 06.09.2011
Wanting to be Pregnant & Hoping for a 2013 Blessing.
Alice Victoria Primrose | Annabella Sophie Faye
Noah Gabriel Joseph | Zachary Roman James
Vote on my name list here.
April 8th, 2012 07:51 PM #7
As for the baby shower, you can throw your own shower. It's the modern day. I wouldn't require anyone to bring gifts, it would just be to celebrate. My family and friends live all over the states so it would be hard for anyone to throw a shower, especially since we are the only ones living in Minnesota! So I would have to throw my own since no one lives up here to throw me one. "Proper Etiquette" to me is old school and I don't think anyone would think it is "improper" if I say you don't need to bring gifts. Plus it would be easier because I wouldn't have to travel and then no one else has to worry about finding a way to throw me a shower in Minnesota when they don't live up here.
I'm afraid of the pain, but a part of me does want to do it. I just probably won't want to do it more than once. I am more afraid of having to have a C-section because I do NOT want to be awake while my stomach is being cut open. I would prefer to be knocked out, but apparently that is not allowed/recommended. I think I would die if I was told I had to be cut open and be awake during the process. I can't even watch House because of all the blood! Sure I won't see anything, but I'll know it's happening and that would be enough to cause me to go into hysteria.
Also I do NOT have a close relationship with my mom. In my perfect world, she wouldn't even know about the baby. I mostly want to keep it a secret from her. I do not want her bugging me while I am pregnant. But if I tell someone else, then she'll get the news and she'll be mad of course because she didn't hear it from me. I am just trying to keep things fair and to keep my mother off my back. She treats me like a baby and I don't think I will ever have her babysit my child. She is extremely short tempered and I don't want her yelling around my baby or even at my baby. My fiance' told me that she is "crazy" and even he has never seen anyone get as upset as she does. She scares him!
I have had a bad experience with families. I call myself the "family hater" because I try to AVOID visiting family as much as I can. I also think the baby is mine and my husband to be's business and no one else. She or he is our baby. Why should it hurt them that I didn't tell them? It's not their baby. And I will tell them, just not right away. So it's not like I am keeping it a secret forever, but just until I am comfortable to tell.
How long do they allow you to labor? My mother had to labor for 40 hours with me. That too me is a LONG time.
Last edited by catloverd; April 8th, 2012 at 10:13 PM.
April 9th, 2012 05:00 PM #9
I'm not pregnant either, but I'm planning to be in the next year or two as well! <3
How long to keep it secret is very personal, and all up to you! It is very common to keep it secret for the first trimester of pregnancy, seeing as miscarriages are more common during this time. But even then I wouldn't worry to badly about a miscarriage! And especially not after. The first timester is usually about three months.. and you don't learn the gender until five or six months. Which is a bit of a long time. I feel like family would probably be a little offended if you wait that long.. as if you didn't want them to know or something. But waiting until month four maybe could push it off a little but still tell them early on?
It could be very nice, to invite the entire family over to announce the pregnancy. Though I wouldn't necessarily call it a shower, moreso just a party or a gathering Where everyone can get together and have a good time-- plus learn the exciting news!
Personally, I don't plan on telling anyone except my bf I'm pregnant until the end of the first trimester. My family is all very.. dramatic. And opinionated. And though my mother and immediate family would all be excited and supportive, the rest of the family not so much. And my mother would be telling EVERYONE. Plus, I too worry of miscarriage. It happened to me once before, and I honestly much preferred mourning with just my boyfriend rather than the entire family getting all emotional. That'd really be too much on me </3
As all the previous ladies mentioned, you can tell the doctors you only want your DH in the room for the delivery! Its very common for woman to do this, and I feel no one should be offended if you chose to do things this way. Its how I plan on doing so myself as well! Though, I personally find pregnancy to be a very personal thing, and I want it to be an intimate thing between me and my man [including doctors appointments, names, updates, etc!]. But then again, I'm not horribly close to a lot of my family members. Close, but not that close. Its understandble to just not want any family drama in the delivery room- its a special moment that deserves to go as you plan! You can choose to call people after you've brought him/her home, and even send a picture message or something of the newborn if you want!
I don't know from experience, of course, but all labors and deliveries are different from person to person! And there are actually many ladies who vomit from period pains that are fine in the delivery room. I think this experience is just very much different from your period pains. I understand what you mean though, the pain really scares me too! I am a bit of a wimp when it comes to pain. However, if you talk to your doctor, there are many methods to reducing pain in the delivery room! And also, I found that it REALLY helped to talk to ladies who have already been through this and ask questions! I made a topic on this site, actually, and the ladies here are just so kind and willing to answer birth/after birth questions for you based on their experiences! I was told about birthing in different positions to lower pain: apparently on your back increases pain from pressure on wrong parts of your body, so squatting or on your hands and knee's is less painful? Also, there are various pain medications they can give you to make the labor much less painful!! You can get epidurals, or there's this gas I've heard that you can breath in and it lessens the pain [I feel kind of dumb but I can't remember what its called!], and they have IV's of stuff that can help as well! Sorry I am not so good with remembering names of medications. I also was just reading an article about labor contractions hurting ten times less if you don't have to be induced. The Pitocin they give you gives you much stronger and unnatural contractions which are of course much more painful! So avoid induction if possible (; Also, if you exercise properly and stretch apparently that will reduce labor pains.. and even help against stretch marks, hehe! There are lots of pregnancy exercise programs and yoga and all that can all help! All the little things added up can really help I hear!
There are many ladies who say that labor is this excruciating horrible pain -- but keep in mind, there are also a majority who have perfectly fine labors! Even a lucky few who have painless labors! It all depends on YOU! Just talk to your doctor about it, they can help!
If you are really scared of having a baby, I would really talk to your DH about it though! Because he needs to respect you if you decide you'd rather not deliver a baby yourself! And adoption is a perfectly wonderful alternative! Every baby needs a good home <3 And if you do decide to go through with a pregnancy, I recommend finding a pregnancy group in your community! They have all sorts of classes and groups where you can talk to others in your situation-- and it can help ease your fears!
I hope this helps!