Name regret w/ 7 week old, any advice?(LONG)

[katzenjammers]

Hi holey-I would like to do that-I am still not sold. I don't know that movie at all. I talked with DH a bit more and realized that he really dooesn't like most names that end in "a" as he finds them all to different from our last name in style/ethnicity to even contemplate-hence his preference for Rosalie, and he really won't discuss it further. I considered some names that are less-out there, say in the top 70, but I think we'd both find them too trendy. So I'll keep tryin to see this as a bump in the road WRT my affinity for it, gulp.

[crimsoncat]

Just wanted to say hey and that you are not alone. I've read through all your replies. I too think that Rosalie is such a classy and beautiful name that will age well with your daughter. I've only met one in real life and she was about nineteen and I thought how refreshing to hear such a beautiful name in the middle of all the Madisons and Jordans out there.

I wanted to write to let you know that I have been where you are. For some reason my hormones and postpartum center around my LO's names. With my DD I chose a name at the hospital that was not me at all and too hippie and did not fit my sweet girl. I also was experiencing PPD so my DH was understanding to tell me to give it time before we made a change. He was very sweet about it though and just knowing there was hope that I could correct this mistake talked me down off the mental ledge in my mind. We said we would just call her little bit or baby girl for a while. She was about four months old before we decided to go with an old family name since I wanted her to have a name with meaning and submitted the paperwork. It was hard listening to family talk about us not giving the baby a name and not knowing what to call her, but it made us stronger not being pressured to do things their way and do what we felt was right. I also questioned whether we should have changed it, but looking back now the other name was just not her and I'm glad we did and the family has all adapted to it. I discovered through counseling that I had a form of OCD when it came to making decisions and what bigger decision than a permanent name? And there were just an infinite number of possibilities. That's why it was so hard for me to commit throughout my whole pregnancy.

So along comes number two and it was still hard for me to commit. Again, we made our decision at the hospital <BTW can I just mention that the USA puts so much pressure on parents to name their babies before you leave the hospital. Other countries get up to six months or so. I actually cried when the birth certificate lady came into my room a day early> We chose a name that had been our top runner. We both agreed it fit him. The day after coming home, the bottom fell out and I was in a panic that I was going to change his name. My mind told me how ugly sounding it was and why did you choose that classic name instead of a trendy cutesy one? I called my counselor in a panic and she told me I was in fight or flight mode. This is how my mind works once I have made a decision. Poor DH knows how I am and is so supportive of me and I think that makes a big difference. When I told him how I was feeling and explained everything he said, "I see what you are saying, but not once have you said that his name doesn't fit him like the case with our daughter." It is something that I have to pray about and tell the Lord everyday to just help me know that it is his name, which He does by sending me subtle signs,and that I made the right choice and you know what? I am liking it more every day and as I look at my son, who is four months old now, none of the other names seem to fit him. I heard you say Rosalie fits your sweet girl so I think that is saying a lot that you don't realize. It may be one of those things that unfortunately just takes time. Also the way you are hearing people say it could just be your mind playing with you, those stupid hormones. Not to downplay any of your feelings cause I can definitely relate, but I think if you just concentrate on your sweet girl, look into her eyes and just hold her as you say her sweet name you will fall back in like with her name and learn to love it more and more. Especially since you do not have a back up name that you are one hundred percent sure of. If you get your DH to agree to changing it down the road, then just know it is not the end of the world. I actually discovered that it happens all the time, people just don't talk about it

Sorry so long winded. Just wanted to let you know I know how you are feeling. To wrap it all up, you made a good choice mama now go and enjoy your sweet baby and try to get as much rest as possible. Hugs.

[katzenjammers]

Hi crimsoncat. Thank you so much for this post.

I discovered through counseling that I had a form of OCD when it came to making decisions and what bigger decision than a permanent name? And there were just an infinite number of possibilities. That's why it was so hard for me to commit throughout my whole pregnancy.

This is exactly what my husband thinks, and I think he is right, only he is NOT patient about it at all. he is very angry an intolerant. He told me he could have watched the clock to see it coming (second-guessing AND PPD) In his opinion, she IS Rosalie and there is no discussion about it unless I give him a really good reason to change her name;when I tell him I just don't like it as much as the names ending in A, and I feel like I can't even say it right now- he says, essentially "well, you did like it, it was your idea, and too bad." So much for support. I told him I think we need a couples counselor to deal with this dismissive attitude he talked towards me and our to work on how we interact in our marriage, he said that was fine as long as this wasn't the first topic of discussion, AAGHH! My whole point was that this topic is just as valid as any other at needing addressing on how to navigate my obsession, or my problems, or his reaction to them.

I work REALLY hard on names the whole pregnancy trying to find one that I like that he will FINALLY accept. It has never been such a compromise as this time, where he vetoed all but two names,and really I wasn't sold on wither.

I had a migraine last night and woke up this morning revisiting Thalia, which I had not chosen over Rosalie for a few reasons, so I know I am in rumination mode that really won't help anyone since he is so opposed to changing it. And his attitude worsens it, as this hostile, "you made your bed, now lie in it," approach just makes me feel more trapped and less free to discuss and express my concerns, however neurotic.

She does have a look to her of Rosalie now, but she could easily be some of the other names too.

I am SO glad you got a chance to correct your baby's name to something you wanted. Good for you for standing by your convictions and getting through what must have been lots of eye rolling. I am also g that your husband supported you through it all.

I am also glad that you find the name I chose to be attractive-not tacky. I definitely heard RosaLEE 3-4 times but perhaps it was my PP issues making it such a huge deal. Still it was not my #1, 2, 3, etc. choice so committing to it is hard, and I've gotten so angry with myself for even offering it.

I actually cried when the birth certificate lady came into my room a day early>

I agree-with the 2 middles ones I had a homebirth and it was so nice not too be so pressured. this time, they told me I could wait 2 weeks and come back in, but my DH was pressuring me as he did not want me to ruminate for 2 weeks more, so he felt we should just choose then (at the time it was between Rosalie and Thalia).

Even though it seems time-sensitive-I am going to have to try to let it go, since he told me he was sick of talking about it and wanted it over as of last night, but it feels very sad and frustrating to me to have nowhere to turn to ruminate or talk it through, iykwim. my therapist is of NO help in these matters, (I have been with him 10 yrs but need to find a new one). He just thinks I need to knock of x,y, , or z behavior, and also get a divorce.

Thank you SO much for this heart-warming post and these kind and gentle words of support. I REALLY need them right now. i don't think he'll ever let me change it now, since he's got this "the burden of proof is on you" attitude and has just chalked it up to my being unstable (which I may be). In other words, my not liking the name isn't enough of a reason!

[svea]

I'm so very sorry for you that you have to go through all of this: name anxiety, unsupportive (sp.?) husband and all. I wish you the best of luck dealing with this issue, and I do think Rosalie truly is a beautiful name. I do hope that you have time to enjoy your little miracle as well, and I wish you the very best of luck

[crimsoncat]

Thanks for taking the time to read my rather long post. I'm glad you understand where I am coming from. I do wish your husband was more supportive of your situation. That makes a huge difference. Maybe you can just tell him that right now your brain is telling you that it is an ugly sounding name and you have many doubts about it, but you are going to give it time and try to like it again, but after a certain amount of time, so many months, if you still do not have peace about it he will agree to discuss options. Another option is just to add Thalia or the name you choose as her second middle name then you will not be changing her name per say. Rosalie Violet Thalia Kelley is beautiful. I know someone who did this and her husband was much more agreeable than with changing the whole name. Ask him if he would consider this for your peace of mind. Then that way if you decide she does grow into more of a Rosalie you still have the option of using it. Tell him it does not matter about changing the child's name once they are here. IT happens all the time. If he truly cares for you and your well being he will budge a little and compromise some way.

I also woke up everyday with different names on my mind. My brother joked, "What's the flavor of the day?" So it does take time to return to normal thinking. Have you seen a doctor for possible PPD/ anxiety? That could really help a lot.

Try to have a good day. I hope you can find peace soon.

[rennakade]

I didn't read through the whole thread to see if anyone posted this or not, but why don't you just change the spelling of her name to match the pronunciation your wanting instead of changing her name altogether? With Rosalee, the "lee" is the most known part of the word and therefore can easily be over pronounced. You mentioned you would like it pronounced ROS-a-lee so why not change the spelling to Rozalee?? It keeps with the same name prounounciation your striving for, yet has an even more original and unique look to it like your other children. I love it like that personally and don't see how anyone could miss the "ROS" beginning.

[joholloway]

Sapphira is beautiful! I have never heard it before but i love it x

[rollo]

I like the suggestion of including Thalia as a middle name. Why not do this? I like the nn of Leah with Thalia.

Have a good day, I am thinking about you and you are getting some great support especially liked crimsoncat's post.

rollo

[katzenjammers]

hi rennakade, the way it is pronounced is ROSE a-lee, with the emphasis n the ROS syllable with a long O, so I think spelling it Rozalee will get me a short O, which is not how I pronounce it, hope that makes sense!

CrimsonCat, I sent him an email this AM about talking a bit more about Thalia ( the only other choice) , instead of confronting him when he got home, and that actually made him madder(the email method) when we did reconvene this evening, he said in his mind he had heard me out and he was not in any way, shape, or form changing her name. I asked if he had reconsidered Thalia, (per my request in email today) and he said he had and didn't like it, it was too hard to get one's tongue around, and he said we named her, agreed on that name, and that's the end of it. I then said, what if we had named her Thalia (not even my first choice) when we left the hospital and then you decided, as you have, that you don't like it-he said, well, I would have gotten used to it. i suggested simply inserting another name as a compromise per your recommendation and he said he would not even remotely entertain that ideas as he did not like any of the names I might insert and that I would then have license to call her one of them. I told him I still don't understand since this name was not even his idea, and he gust says he likes it, she's a person who has a name, and this is her name, and he won't change. When he told me I had to give him a good reason to change the name-I said, what about the fact that I may not like it anymore-he says, that is not enough. I say how is it different from your not liking Thalia anymore-he simply says, he assumes I'll get over this.

So there you have it.
(rollo if you are reading he did not ok the mn insertion, ugh)
This devolved into a conversation about my not being heard at all, but the end result is the same, I can use Rosalie, or Violet, and that is it. As you can see I am back to square one, I'll have to learn to like the name and/or get over this hump, r call her Violet.

For now I am just calling her "the baby." I actually really dislike hearing anyone call her by her name right now. I need a new therapist, but I also just feel I need a good sounding board. thank you all for being that (literally) for me over the last few days.

[hilary]

Wow, I've skimmed the thread, and what you're going through sounds really rough. Other posters have offered great support, but I wanted to add to the support for Rosalie, which is beautiful and elegant. It's also getting more visibility, so I really doubt any pronunciation/emphasis issues will follow you around. To me, the emphasis seems totally intuitive (like Emily!).

Reading through your posts, I couldn't help but wonder if all the pain you're experiencing isn't at some core level related to stress in your marriage? I don't at all mean to suggest that your feelings about your daughter's name aren't real, but I do wonder if your marital disputes coupled with the incredible vulnerability and fatigue of being a new mom (and possible PPD) are the ultimate source of grief and that the worry over the baby's name is more of a symptom? (I'm a long-term therapy client, as well as a therapist-in-training myself, so I tend to think about things this way, but feel free to ignore me . . .) I think it's really great that you brought up couples' therapy with your husband and that you're looking into finding a more sensitive therapist yourself. Do you know someone whom you can trust to give you a good referral? You really deserve to have someone to hear you and someone needs to teach him how to hear you also. (Oh, and I experienced PPD with my daughter, and it's just awful.)

Best of luck to you!
Hilary