What Would You Do? The age old Family vs Career choice.

[ljandrl]

@ jersey gray - I definitely do think being a mother is the most important job in the world. I put so much thought in to how I will raise my children, and have for years and years. As I said, I've always had a huge interest in child development etc, which in my mind for years was just me planning for my own babies one day, and wanting to do the very best job I could. I take it very seriously. But now I've realised, I could translate this passion in to a career and also help other peoples children. My mum had me at 24 (single mum) and stayed home with me the first 4 years until I started full time school. Then with the help of my grandparents and auntie, she went back to school to study for a career. I am so happy I had those 4 years with her, something my little sister sadly did not get as my mum was already working full time when she was born, and went back when she was approx 9 months old. She does work in a school though so she still had a lot of holidays. At 24, my mum was working a dead end job, as I do now, and lived with her parents, as I do now, so she really had nothing to lose by finishing her job and staying home with me, and her parents were willing to help support her at the time (my grandparents were amazing). Things are different for me though, for one I have a partner, and so if I got pregnant we would obviously be moving in together. So expenses would be higher. And he works, so we wouldn't get the same kind of governement help that my mum did back then, not that we lived a life of luxury by any means! Also my mum had left school at 15 without basic qualifications, whereas I have an undergrad degree so I don't want to waste it.

I do not worry about being rich, but I come from a poor family and I've struggled my whole life, and I would just like to give my children a little bit more if I can. Teachers don't earn a brilliant wage by any means, although more than I get right now and at least there are plenty of holidays (13 weeks a year) and hours would work around my childrens schooling when they're 4+. It's just that right now we can't even afford a mortgage, I'm on minimum wage and working part time due to a lack of opportunities locally, and my partner earns just as little on an apprentice wage! We're not aiming for rich, just enough to afford a mortgage towards our own home, and for everyday not to be a complete struggle, you know? I'm also very sorry for your losses. But I'm very pleased that you at least have the 2 wonderful children you have. I'm like you, all I ultimately want in life is my wonderful partner, lots of babies, and dogs! Ha. But like another poster said, one day my children will be grown up and independent and I'll still have 10-20 working years left ahead of me, so do I want to have to go back to a dead end job at that age? And what if my partner and I do split one day, I don't see it happening but you do just never know, I'd want to be able to support myself and my children. Thanks for your response, it was really helpful!

[kibby]

Adoption is such a great thing, my Fiance (We've been together 6 years now ) wasn't on board with it originally when I brought it up a few years ago (Yup, a few years ago now!) I've wanted it for a long time, and I almost would have considered it a deal breaker had he remained so adamant about it. But I recently brought it up again, and he's completely for it, and wants it too. His initial concern was that it just wouldn't be his child, and he only wanted biological children, which I can completely understand, but I think over time he realized how important it was to me, and it became important to him.
I plan to work from the time I graduate from my program, through pregnancy, until it's no longer safe for me to continue working. I am becoming a Personal Fitness Trainer, and really want to encourage prenatal and post natal fitness and teach classes to that effect, so it will be possible for me to work through pregnancy (Think Prenatal Yoga, and other types of classes along those lines ) and while I would love to take a full year minimum of Maternity leave. Here in Alberta Canada, I believe you only need 600 employed hours in any job to qualify for a year of paid maternity leave, and it's not hard to get that many luckily, many women can get that many just in the 9 months of Pregnancy. But at the same time, with Andrew getting his Masters Degree, I may have to return to work early for the money. Again though, luckily, lots of gyms have child minding services that the trainers are free to utilize, and I also have an interest in teaching Mommy & Me type classes, of which there are all kinds! (Salsa babies, Stollercize etc etc) No matter what, I have a feeling I will be able to make motherhood work with my career choice. Since you are interested in working with Children, there are a plethora of options available to you too, especially if you can go into business for yourself by opening your own dayhome/daycare or something. Not exactly sure what your plans are for sure though

My sister in law is currently in Flight Attendant training, (very intensive, she HAS to maintain grades over 90% or she's kicked out!) Taking a MBA AND has a 13 year old and a 4 year old, and works. So it IS possible to do all that, school, work and motherhood, but I don't think it's ideal to be doing it that way, but the fact that it is possible is what counts!

Could you start TTCing while you are completing your Newly Qualified Teacher year? That way, you could complete it, but not wait another year to start TTCing and have a baby shortly there after completing it without showing a lack of commitment to finishing your education. Also remember, and I had to be reminded of this as well, life does not end as soon as you have a baby, you can still travel, and do everything you wanted to do before.

I agree with you on how scary the health risks can be after a certain age, and that's also why I won't be trying to conceive, ideally anyway, anytime after the age of 35. But your sister is proof that everything can still turn out okay. I completely understand your hesitation though.

[ljandrl]

Thanks Kibby, just a brilliant response! This is really getting me thinking and realising other options.

It's funny you mentioned getting pregnant during the NQT year as I was just discussing that option via private message with another Berry!

I could potentially finish my Newly Qualified Teacher year in July 2015 (I'd be 29) & I guess in theory, we could start TTC towards the end of that school year as I can still do the job whilst in the early stages of pregnancy. So I could start TTC in Jan/Feb when I was still 28, that way I would only be 5 months pregnant max by the time the teaching year finished in July, & could have my first baby at 29.

But to do that I would have to give up the travelling, as the Working Holiday Visa is only available to 18-30 year olds with no dependants. The great thing about the Working Holiday Visa is that you can work any job you like to support you whilst travelling. We couldn't afford to travel if we couldn't earn while doing it. The thing is, I really really want to go travelling. Mostly because we want to move to Australia permanently, & getting to know the place & which parts we liked best would help a great deal with our decision to emigrate, but also because I've been planning to go travelling since I was 17 & never got round to it, & it's something I'd like to get out of my system before babies come along.

But on the other hand, we don't have to go for a year, that's the other option. That we travel for a few months instead? Do you think it would be realistic to get pregnant out there? If so, at what stage would you say I should come home? 3 months pregnant? Is that a really stupid, unrealistic idea? Lol. We wouldn't be constantly travelling for the record. We would likely spend about 3 months in one part, then travel to another part, spend 3 months working there etc. We could go travelling from say August 2015, maybe come home, already pregnant, in Feb 2016 when I'd still be 29, but almost 30, and have our first at 30. That's one more option.

This is really great, I'm feeling like I have more options now. Need to run it all past my partner. Your career plans sound absolutely amazing by the way, and you sound so organised and your head is clearly very screwed on lol, so I'm sure you will make it all work perfectly for you.

I am on the other hand a very stressy person! Lol

[ljandrl]

@ Zaelia - I'm not ignoring your wonderful response, I just got distracted inbetween sorry! Lol.

Oliver and Luke sound adorable for the record

It seems like you can totally understand what I'm having to decide. So did you start TTC abroad? Get pregnant abroad? Was that stressful? Did you come home during the pregnancy or have the babies abroad? And no it doesn't sound sexist, just practical. I want to be home with my babies! I feel like the lucky one if I get to do that while my partner has to go to work lol. I think it's only sexist if you're forced into a role you don't want because of your gender. As it is, I'm very maternal and happy to be the one that takes the time off and career breaks, but my partner is such a cool guy that if it was worth it financially for him to stay home, he'd do it, or even if I was the one that wanted to return to work, he would stay home.

Unfortunately as I said in one of my other replies, having a baby while studying for this particular Post Grad just isn't at all possible, but I'm really glad it's working out for you!

My little 7 month niece has just arrived to stay over for the night and our house is already in chaos, she's been here 30 mins lol. You are a saint for coping with two 8 month old boys so well, I applaud you I bet they are gorgeous though!

Thanks to everyone who has responded so far, I feel less hopeless today

[whit32]

@ ljandrl - Many fertility problems are age related, but some aren't. PCOS is a hormone imbalance problem that I have had my whole life (though I didn't know what it was till i was TTC.) If your periods are normal, you probably won't have that issue. There are a few things that you can be born with (or that happen with sexual maturity) that make getting pregnant, or keeping a pregnancy more difficult, such as a tilted uterus (your gynecologist should already know if this is an issue) or closed Fallopian tubes. Also, remember that about 30% of fertility problems come from the man. Sperm analysis is fairly simple and inexpensive (I think it cost us about $75) and it can give you some peace of mind in that area. I would recommend talking to your gynecologist and telling him/her about your concerns. They will know what tests might be helpful for you considering your medical and family history. Good luck!

[kibby]

The only thing that immediately pops into my head, is most airlines will not let you fly during your third trimester without a doctors permission. So keep that in mind if you do travel abroad and want to return home before having the baby. Also, I cannot stress enough that a baby does not mean you have to give up traveling! I know many families that have traveled with babies as young as 3 months to all kinds of places. Long trips too, like from Canada to Germany and South America. You could TTC before you go, while you are there, or shortly after you come home too. Also, there's nothing wrong with giving birth in another country, it could lead to dual-citizenship for your baby, which is always a great thing to have!
Traveling is one of the things I'm really worried about missing out on too, it really doesn't seem possible with a baby or child in tow, but it is. I haven't been anywhere outside of Canada, and for that matter, haven't seen much of out Canada itself either, but I think it would be an even more amazing experience with my children, and as a learning experience for them when they get older. We've even toyed with the idea of pulling them out of school for 6 months or something to that effect, and homeschooling them, but taking a trip around other continents so they get real life experiences, not just classroom learning. It's important for kids (and adults!) to experience the world and expand their horizons! Maybe also think about joining some online forums that deal with emigration and Australia specifically, you can talk to native Australians about where they live, how they enjoy it, places to go, things to see, the best place to raise a family and everything, from the comfort of your living room, and possibly save yourself a lot of time before going on the trip by ruling places out. If anyone knows best, it's the people that already live there! I think it would be absolutely brilliant to live in another country one day, for even just a little while. We have been toying with the idea of my Fiance taking his masters in either Australia or the Netherlands, which would mean us having a baby in one of those other countries possibly, or going there with an infant. It's an intimidating thought, but I think it's workable.
I'm actually flattered that you think I'm not a big ball of stress haha, because I am, I just have a tendency to over think and possibly over plan, it actually drives my Fiance insane. But it's important for me to have an idea of how we'll be living our lives in 3/4 years!
Also, you never ever run out of options, and don't feel limited in your choices in life, like I said before, you really can have it all, you just need to find ways to make it work for you!

[aftorres]

I think something to keep in mind is that when dealing with life, it doesn't go according to plans. Not to say that you shouldn't set goals, and have a general idea of things you'd like to accomplish, but things happen. I went to trade school, and planned to get pregnant after graduation with the intention that I would continue to work after the baby was born. The job I was trained for would have allowed for part time work, and I could even bring the infant with me when he was young. After I graduated, we started ttc, and I immediately fell pregnant. Surprise! Twins. They don't run in our family.

I've always been incredibly healthy, and was in excellent shape when the babies were conceived. That didn't stop me from having a complicated pregnancy and prolonged bed rest. The babies and I were absolutely fine after delivery, but working was not an option for me realistically with twinfants.

When they were about 1 1/2 I decided to go back to school for nursing. I worked on my pre-reqs for a couple of years, got pregnant (again, a complicated pregnancy requiring hospitalizations), and had a baby five weeks before I had to report to the nursing program. I have an amazing support system, and have been able to keep up with a heavy class and clinical rotation while breastfeeding an infant.

My older boys are 4 1/2. It's hard work, and I couldn't do it without a lot of help, but in the end, I'm going to have my family and a career that I'm proud of and expect to find very fulfilling. Travel will wait a few years, and at times guilt for not being a SAHM (that's the predominant model in my family/culture) rears its ugly head. All of that rambling to say that if both family and career are important to you, you should weigh your options and go for it.

Just because it's not advised to have a baby during your program does not mean it's impossible. I was told the first week of my nursing program that I should reevaluate whether it was the right time for me to be going after it. I refused to set those limits on myself, and I've been excelling. I think I spent a lot of my life waiting for things to "look right" or "fall into place," as if I would finally arrive at a place where life was orderly and went according to plans. I'm starting to realize that it never really happens. Life is constantly changing, and we need to adjust to it.

Sorry, that's a lot of rambling, but I really feel strongly that we need to figure out what we want and go for it! Something unexpected always seems to be around the corner. Motherhood is messy and uncertain, but very rewarding.

[hayley88]

I am in similar situation to you, although I am slightly younger. I too have realised I want to work with children, which would require a PGCE and have been with my boyfriend for 3 years.

I absolutely don't think you should forgo a career that will make you happy, our working lives are too long to be unfulfilling. I can't even consider the thought of being in a job I don't really like for 40 plus years, so know exactly how you feel.
Maybe consider having a child whilst still in your current employment? You can have materinity leave and so on and then address your career goals?
From my own family, I can see that having a child in what wouldn't be considered the most ideal time, isn't the end of the world. It won't stop you achieving what you want. It also taught me that trying to plan everything can lead to disappointment in one way or another.
Whatever decision you make, I'm sure it will be the right one for you and your boyfriend. Best of luck

[crunchymama]

I look forward to your PM!

I wante to add a little more because I didn't really talk about my choices here and I thought it might help others by sharing.
So, I have shared before that I got pregnant with #1 when I was in my first year of college. I was studying to be an actress at a very prestigious college. That was really my only career option/goal in my life so when I got pregnant I needed to make some choices quickly. I decided I needed to be home with my daughter and also allow my fiance to continue his schooling because his job would ultimately pay the bills...whereas my acting...who knows if that would ever go anywhere. I mean I always dreamed it would, but seriously...what are the chances?

I worked while he went to school and soon we had two little ones (2 and newborn). I was not happy with my job at the time... I was working in customer service and it was just really stressful and I still had to do everything at home too. So DH and I got together and worked on our budget and options. Since he was a full time student, we could take out additional student loans to pay for housing and other expenses. This allowed me to become a SAHM. It was the best choice for all of us. We lived VERY frugally....we essentially had no income...we lived on student loans for 2 yrs until he finally graduated and earned money. (I did part time child-care in our home though) We got by very frugally though and we had no questions about TTC #3 when DH graduated. He was 26 and I was 23 at the time for reference. We were TTC for almost 2 years and nothing was happening. I was very content being a SAHM, but I always had that acting thing lingering in the back of my head. I decided to take a community theater (unpaid) acting job for fun since our kids were a bit older (5 and 3) and it only had me out of the house in the evenings. It wasn't my ultimate dream job, but it was definitely in the realm of my dream career. I continued doing community theater jobs until I got a few paid ones! Then I had a 2 yr paid contract! I thought my dream was "dead" but it wasn't. I seriously had given up hope...but not in a depressing way - in a positive "moving on to better things" type way. However, those years I worked in my dream-type industry were awesome! I did that until I got pregnant with the twins and quit working again. (and btw, we were never avoiding pregnancy during that time- I just didn't seem to be able to get pregnant then!) I'm now officially retired as I like to say and back to my full time mom job! I honestly feel like I appreciate and love being a mom even more now that I've been able to fulfill that other lifelong dream....even though the dream changed from how I always pictured it as a kid!

I really believe we as humans, especially women, need to fulfill those passions within ourselves. They can be very empowering and impact other areas of our lives. If you feel passionate about working with children, you need to pursue that. If you are just seeking a different career path because your current one is not "permanent" and you are trying to explore what is out there you might enjoy... maybe it's not the right time to be planning everything around that one job.

So, my lesson there is that sometimes you just have to go with the present and your gut feeling of where you are right now/in the present and let the future work itself out. Maybe an opportunity will arise where you will get to work with children and learn as you work-- or maybe you'll feel better able to go to school and be a mom at the same time. It's very hard to predict the future and know how things will play out. Believe me I do know EXACTLY how you feel though- ask Lemon... I am constantly chatting with her about things that "might" happen in 2-5 yrs and I have to stop myself and return to the present and just have faith that it will happen how it should happen.

Regarding traveling while pregnant or with a newborn - this is so on my mind right now! My feelings are that I would not want to travel long distance (UK to Australia) past 4 or 5 months pregnant or with a baby that is under 6-8 weeks old. However, I would not hesitate to do so out of those windows. I'd also be fine going TO australia being 4 months pregnant, knowing that I'd give birth there or with a 2 month old baby, but I could understand a first time mom would be more nervous about that! Don't know if that helps any.

[moxielove]

There are tests you can take now to get a sense for your fertility. They will not tell you how fertile you will be in 10 years of course, but they can tell you if there are any warning flags NOW, which is absolutely essential information to have since you positively know you want a large family in the future.

They basically test the "age" of your ovaries, and can tell you if your ovaries are about right for your actual age. This way, if you do have some issues, you are forewarned and can (re)examine this entire conservation in light of that information.

You should ask your OBGYN about these tests, whether they are covered by insurance, etc. etc at your next annual visit.