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Thread: Unique situation...need advice
October 22nd, 2011 11:44 AM #1Junior Member
- Join Date
- Jul 2011
- St. Louis
Unique situation...need advice
I'm a mother-to-be who's due next month. And I'm eighteen.
Dillon, the father, and I slept together one time at my first real party during the spring break of this year. I had just gotten a 34 on the ACT so I felt like I was entitled to have a bit of fun--I got drunk for the first time in my life and, as you can imagine, one thing led to another. We weren't even friends then, which made it horribly awkward for him to be the father. Surprisingly, he's turned out to be a very supportive, nice, and (somewhat) mature guy who says that he wants to be a great dad. We've become pretty good friends throughout this whole ordeal, which is great for both us and our daughter.
We're both in our senior year of high school, and, for the sake of our daughter, we've applied and have been accepted to the same university, which is about an hour and a half away from our town (it's not our first choices, but it's a good school with most of what we were looking for anyway). We'll both be basically getting full rides, from scholarships due to academics, so that's not a problem, but it's the non-financial part that's the issue.
The university has waived the requirement that freshmen live in dorms for me, and I'll be using most of my savings from four years of working as well as my mother's help to rent a small house, one of the ones available for college students.
Here's the issue: Dillon wants to live in the house with me. He's surprisingly embracing of fatherhood and I'm almost completely positive that the only reason he wants to be roommates is so he can be around our daughter more. But, I'm worried that it would just be uncomfortable and weird to live together.
Plus, a three-bedroom apartment is much, much more expensive than a two-bedroom apartment. Dillon would contribute rent, but I don't want to deplete our savings when we also have to pay for childcare, and insurance, and food, and everything else.
But I CAN see the benefits of this. Our daughter will be almost FOUR by the time we graduate, and after graduation there's no telling where we'll end up, if he'll be able to be a constant presence in her life; he says he wants to be there as much as he can now, and he will be able to if he lives with us. With two people paying rent, we can afford a nicer, cleaner, more updated house. With two parents living together, we'll have a built-in, free babysitter if one of us has to be gone for an evening or a few days back home, or if one of us has an early class. It would give me the freedom to work a few days a week. I'd also not have to be a single mom. It's very appealing.
To be honest, here's the thing I'm most scared about. I'm afraid that a relationship would be inevitable with us living together (he's very attractive in both personality and looks, and he apparently thinks the same of me), and it's also pretty inevitable that there would be a breakup. Dillon has promised that he'll be around for our daughter no matter what, but a bad breakup could ruin that. He could leave or even transfer, and I'd be stuck with a too-expensive house and without all of those benefits and support system and my daughter would be stuck without a dad. I don't want to ruin anything.
Our daughter will be nine months old by the time we leave for college, so I feel comfortable going to live independently with her without my mom and his parents, who will have helped us with the baby until then. Since she will be an older baby, I think (hope) it will be easier to take care of her and attend college (I feel less nervous sending her to daycare than if she was a newborn). It's just this massive issue that I'm freaking out about.
I'm a planner and think-aheader (obviously) and it's almost excruciatingly hard to not know what is going to happen. Should we live together or not? Please, PLEASE, give me advice on what to do here.pyrrhic: victorious despite heavy losses.
October 22nd, 2011 02:10 PM #3
I say let him move in. Kudos to him for wanting to be the kind of father who wants to be there for his child. Maybe you two will become more, maybe not. But for now-you both have a lot on your plates and all the support you can get will be great. As for the relationship with you two-who knows. You never know what will happen until you try. And regardless-if something did start and sadly end-that might also be the base you two need to make sure you can get along on a deccent level for the rest of your daughter's life. Best of luck to you all. It might be a tough road, but it sounds as if you two have the midset to be taking the right road.Momma to Daytona Joette (3), Revvie Adessie (1) and Zabryn Amare (3 months)
October 22nd, 2011 05:59 PM #5
I would advice against living together, for several reasons:
1) Money. As you pointed out, if you live together, then you're financially dependent on one another and if he decides to leave, then you're stuck with a place you can't afford.
2) Emotions. Living together while raising a baby is just going to give you both a false sense of commitment. How are you going to feel when he starts bringing women home? And if you do develop feelings and he doesn't reciprocate? (or vice versa?) How awkward is it going to be having to live together after that? I have a few friends who decided to move in with their boyfriends and when those relationships ended, it was really terrible for them. They ended up being stuck living with an ex until their lease ended, which was just unhealthy for everyone involved.
3) Let's say everything works out fine and you two are able to peacefully co-exist for four years. Then what? At that point your daughter will be used to both her parents living with her, so when you two graduate and move to separate places, it'll be like she's experiencing a divorce. Better she never gets used to you two living together then to have to go through that.
Since Dillon wants to be involved in your daughter's life, then I suggest you two find apartments that are close to one another. That way, you can easily drop your daughter off at each other's places when needed, but you're both still able to lead your separate lives. If something more does develop between you two, then it'll develop naturally and you can move in together when the time's right and you're completely committed to each other.
October 27th, 2011 03:26 AM #7Senior Member
- Join Date
- May 2009
Ditto everything Pansy said.
If he wants to truly be involved in his daughter's life you guys can make it work while maintaining separate apartments. Maybe give him his own space in your house ( a pullout bed in her room he can sleep on if he wants to help put her to bed).
I've had a few relationships where in hindsight I realized we moved in together too fast. And those were without kids. Give it a year or a semester to find your own footing in college b/c the most important thing you can do is grow into your own person b/c your daughter needs a mom who is strong and knows who she is since you know you will be here primary caregiver (and for the record, you sound very clear headed and mature and sensible so you're well on your way). Starting college offers a huge potential for self growth and I've always felt that people who live with their best friend from high school or too near a high school boyfriend their freshmen year really hamper the opportunity for that growth.
He can still come over and babysit. Save the extra money for daycare.
October 29th, 2011 04:35 PM #9Junior Member
- Join Date
- Oct 2011
This is not going to work. I am sorry to be so blunt to you. I had des aw view (or however you spell it) wheni read this. My best friend, who is like my twin sister, got pregnant at 17, the baby daddy said he wanted to be there, but when they started college together a Family was not a cool thing,(he couldn't party whenever he wanted to and didn't want to work) He dunped her with thier child and has never looked back. He won't pay child support on his son becouse she would not let him live with her when he dumped her (he wanted to stay until he got a place with new girlfriend). We are curently fighting the court system for child support for her.