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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Upstate New York
    Posts
    172

    I REALLY NEED ADVICE! PLEASE HELP ME!!

    My husband and I dated for a year and then got married. Two months now. We've known eachother since we were 14 (we're now 24) and have always been close friends.

    The only problem... His ex.

    My husband has a daughter, who is going to be 2 in September, with his ex-girlfriend/fiance. They were together for about a year and a half when they found out she was pregnant and he proposed to her and she accepted, but they truely didn't belong together and it just didn't work out with them. They stayed together until Mackenzie (thier daughter) was 4 months old. And they both decided that it would be better to raise Mackenzie as co-parents, because it was more damage then good with them together.

    Paul (my husband) and I started dating shortly after Mackenzie first birthday. This is when the problems started with the ex. She knows me, but we were never really friends, yet all she had to say about me were terrible, hurtful things, and plain lies. We chalked it up to her being jealous and just not wanting another woman potentially being a ''mommy'' to her daughter. I never tried to by Mackenzie's mother. I love her to death, but I'm beyond respectful of the fact that I am not her mother and the ex is, and a good one at that. We always figured that the ex would eventually settle down, especially once she got herself a boyfriend. I was sooo happy once she did.

    But... nothing has changed, it's getting worse. Paul and his ex have completely joint custody, 50/50. He's not just a ''weekend'' dad, a lot of the times he has Mackenzie on her mother's days because she has whatever else she has to do. It is in the agreement that no parent can talk bad about the other parent in front of or too the child. Which doesn't happen. But unfortuanatley it doesn't state anywhere about significant others, so his ex still talks about me and tells some of the most horrible lies, and she tells them to Mackenzie!

    Paul's ex thinks, for some unknown reason, that I am a drug addict. Which I am not, I won't even take tylenol! I have even willingly summited to random drug testing to the court as a stipultion while we were dating because his ex didn't want me anywhere near her daughter. I passed every time with no problems what so ever, and so the court ruled that Mackenzie would not be in any danger in my presense. The fact that I had to do that is ridiculous, in my opinion, but I did it without hesitation because I have nothing to hide. The ex though still thinks I am a drug addict though and talks about me to her family and friends. I could care less about that. HOWEVER, last night when she called to say good night to Mackenzie right before she got off the phone she said( to her TWO year old daughter), "I love you sweetheart, not like that f**king cokehead."

    ARE YOU SERIOUS!?!? Who talks like that to their child, especially to a two year old? I am at a loss as to what to do... My husband and his ex go back to court at the end of September, and there will definately be said something said about this, and something will have to be added to their agreement. But what can I do in the mean time? And even once something is done about it, I don't think it'll stop. Do anyone have any advice for me?! Please, I am honestly begging. I just don't know what to do anymore. And to top it all off, my husband wants another baby. And so do I, desperately. We want to completely our little family. Right now though I guess I wouldn't say that we are activiely trying to concieve, but if it happens we'll be really happy. I'm just concerned about what new things his ex will have to say about it all. Not that it would really matter what she has to say about it, other then what little seed she might plant into Mackenzie head about the ''what if'' baby.

    I'm starting to ramble, I'm sorry. I just really need some advice. I apperciate EVERYTHING. Thank you.

  2. #3
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    Britain
    Posts
    925

    Re: I REALLY NEED ADVICE! PLEASE HELP ME!!

    Wow. That's ... that's ridiculous. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that, Nari, and still are. Random drug tests? I feel indignant just reading your story.

    First of all, I advise you to attempt to stay calm at all times, which it seems like you are doing remarkably well! Don't retaliate, don't stoop to her level, and try not to show (to her) how affected you are by her claims and their consequences. She's shown herself to be childish, so perhaps like a playground bully a lack of response will make her bored of her taunting. Just continue to show by your actions how wrong everything she says is, to the world, the court, and most importantly to little Mackenzie. Actions speak louder than words, and children are often remarkably perceptive - as she gets older Mackenzie will see that you aren't a bad person at all. Hopefully the thought of your husband and step-daughter will lend you mental strength, but it sounds so awful that you might need to take a look for books on meditation!

    Aside from that, I cannot believe she swore in front of her two-year old daughter. Actually, not only in front of - it's not like another driver suddenly pulled out in front of her or something; she actually swore while talking to her daughter. That's appalling, and while I understand that her bitterness towards you probably does come from some sort of deep-rooted fear that you will take her place (are you absolutely certain she does not also harbour lingering feelings for your husband?), and consequently from love of her daughter, I find it really difficult to excuse that behaviour. It's certainly something which needs to be looked into by the courts when your husband and she are next there, because if that is the kind of language she uses towards her daughter on a daily basis then it could affect the custody agreement, and is very worrying. What if that kind of obviously raw resentment spilled over into nasty behaviour towards her daughter, or even violence? She needs to talk to someone about her feelings, preferably a therapist, and I'm at a loss to suggest anyone other than the courts who could order that.

    As for another baby, perhaps a time when all this stress is around isn't the best moment for a pregnancy and to bring a new little one into the world - by all means do not let his ex control your lives, and if she persists in this way even after the court hearing then I would say press ahead and TTC, but stress isn't good for a developing foetus. Also, it needs to be made absolutely clear to Mackenzie that this new little one isn't replacing her, as with all small children but even more so with half-siblings, and while her mother is making up nonsense it won't be easy to do that.

    I so hope this is all resolved soon, Nari.
    Auburn

  3. #5
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Location
    South-Western Ontario, Canada
    Posts
    143

    Re: I REALLY NEED ADVICE! PLEASE HELP ME!!

    I am usually SO pleased to hear about cases with 50/50 custody... but this makes me so sad! Your step daughter should not be raised with that toxicity. I have a male friend who had a son early in life and had similar problems with his son's mother. He won full custody in the end, the courts would not stand for that kind of behaviour (she was actively threatening his new girlfriend and her family). Document everything and see that the custody agreement is amended to (at the very least) include the protection of your character.

    (Auburn already said so much! There's not much else you can do in the meantime except keep your head held high and know that most two year olds don't understand what a cokehead is.)
    ~Jen
    Parker Scott (3/8/13)
    Vanessa Mariska (11/28/14)

  4. #7
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    0

    Re: I REALLY NEED ADVICE! PLEASE HELP ME!!

    I am really sorry to hear about this situation. It always amazes me when grown adults act in such appalling ways. Anyway, I wanted to echo what others have said..... document, document, document!!! Keep very detailed records of everything. Include dates, times, and detailed descriptions of the situations. When it comes time for the next court date, present this information. Continue to do what you are doing. As degrading as it is, continue to volunteer to random drug testing, etc. As you said, you have nothing to hide. Show the courts and everyone else that you and your husband are serious about this situation and that you are doing everything with Mackenzie's best interest in mind. Start gathering character witnesses, people who have seen you with and without Mackenzie. The more you can prove to the courts that you are not doing drugs, that you are positive influence in the child's life, and that the mother is in fact the negative influence the stronger your case will be. Good luck and keep us updated!

  5. #9
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Upstate New York
    Posts
    172

    Re: I REALLY NEED ADVICE! PLEASE HELP ME!!

    Thank you all so much! We do document everything. We are hoping that CPS will do an investigation because there have also been a few things happen that really concern us. Mackenzie is always sick when she's with her mother, but absolutely fine with us. The ex is a loving mother, there is no doubt she loves her daughter, but something is off. I really hope it's not like a munchousens (sp?) thing. I definatly don't stoop to her level. I am lucky enough to have always been able to "be the better person" so to speak. I just need some added support sometimes and you guys are being wonderful. Thank you so much! As for TTC we aren't really trying but if it happens that's fine. I'm not going to let this woman dictate my life. As for Mackenzie and a new baby, she's always going to be daddys little girl and even though she's only two I think she knows it. But that bridge will get crossed when we get to it. Again thank you all so much. And any other suggestions or support is appreciated. I'll keep you posted!

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