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Thread: Need help deciding
April 23rd, 2014 08:27 PM #11Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jan 2011
I would definitely do the trip pre-baby, and also pre-TTC. You want the honeymoon to be as stress-free as possible. It is not going to be stress free if you are pregnant, toting along a baby, or worried about ovulating. Maybe that means going on the big trip before the wedding, as a previous poster mentioned. You can always do a couple nights away in a nearby hotel after the wedding.
Marriage was a big change for my husband and I, but we possibly have a different view of marriage than you do. We also were not living together when we got married, so there was that adjustment as well. Marriage doesn't mean the same thing to everyone. We did (unintentionally) have quite a bit of time together after marriage and before our son joined our family. That was really helpful for us both for our marriage and for our parenting.
If there are things you want to accomplish (career, school, etc) it is just going to be easier to accomplish them before a baby comes along. You can definitely do stuff after the baby comes, it is just harder and sometimes you are just tired and maybe you could go to Paris or wherever, but dang it, you are tired.
The more stuff you work out NOW before TTC, the better. Plan out your post-baby budget, talk about what you will do in different parenting situations, get pre-marital counseling, etc. You can't really over prepare when it comes to talking to your partner and working out how your family will be.
April 23rd, 2014 09:17 PM #13
For the record, I didn't mean to imply you were not financially stable. It must be on my mind right now since we are currently in a bit of a tight spot financially. I hope I didn't offend you, I just assumed since you mentioned you/your fiancee'd be finishing school that you would likely have student loans or whatever to pay off.
Maybe some people are just AMAZING communicators that have been together for decades with all their expectations laid out going into it, but I think for most people the first year is a big learning curve - there are huge issues that hopefully you will have addressed before sealing the deal (your domestic, financial, parental, sexual, familial roles & expectations). All I was trying to say is that you don't need to rush into kids. I know the feeling when that clock starts ticking & maybe your friends or siblings are starting to have babies and things... They are amazing, but enjoy the opportunities you have now while you can. Travel, go camping, BUY the shoes you love, stay out late, go on dates, go out for drinks with friends.. because as soon as you conceive those things are all SO MUCH MORE DIFFICULT. My husband and I have been married for around 4 years and as much as I love our daughters I do sometimes wish we had waited a little longer & enjoyed more time together as just us, before having babies.
Osiris Mercury James
April 24th, 2014 03:21 AM #15Member
- Join Date
- Apr 2014
A baby is a huge thing, it's not like marriage where all it takes to end it is a piece of paper.
We were in the same boat as you (but younger, I was 23 and he was 25), we had only been engaged a few months and we were planning on getting married the following the following September (it was January when he proposed) and then I got pregnant and we had Prescott in the February before the wedding, he was definitely unplanned and it was a real shocker. Prescott put our relationship to test a lot and there were a few times that I thought it wasn't going to work out. Thankfully, it did (I did go on to have four more kids with the guy). However, I know lots of relationships that fall apart after having children, mostly couples who aren't married (I believe it has something to do with the fact that people normally work harder to make a marriage work than just a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, marriage kind of sits on it's own plane. Some people see a failed relationship as normal and sometimes unavoidable but they see a failed marriage as being a terrible thing).
I get that you want to start the family up and have a baby but I second what somebody else said: try a year of marriage before hand and then see. And I feel that if you are so unsure about having a baby that maybe that is a sign that maybe you are psychologically unready to deal with having a baby just yet, you should be certain and from your hesitation I would say you are not quite there.
Having a baby has nothing to do with timings and having perfect houses and stable incomes (although that is very important),it's got everything to do with being ready mentally. Do not think I'm saying that people should be having children if they've not got houses and are unemployed because I'm not! All I'm saying is that is all well and good but if you are not100% and question it so much (some questions are healthy) then maybe reevaluate.
Sorry, I went awfully psychologist on you there, force of habit (and I apologise now if I have offended you, my field isn't marriage or relationship counselling). But I would definitely recommend going seeing a counsellor or something who is more knowledgable than me about these sort of things.
Side note: we kind of did the whole honeymoon thing beforehand. Once I finished up at university at 21 going on 22 we went travelling for the best part of 16 months so that was before we were even engaged ( he actually proposed when we were travelling through India). My mother looked after Prescott for the few days we took off to go on a wee trip after the wedding, it was only five days in the Lake District (we live in the UK). We had done the whole "seeing the world" thing and we just wanted some time together. I would definitely recommend perhaps going away before if you do decide to have a baby now or if you are really set on going away after the wedding then is there anyway for family to look after the baby? I mean 10-14 days is a long time and it depends on the age of the baby too or are you willing to be taking a baby on your honeymoon?
Last edited by weezieconstance; April 24th, 2014 at 06:12 AM.Constance Beatrice, proud mummy to:
Prescott Jonathan ~08.02.2006~Theodore "Teddy" Patrick ~12.01.2010~Gideon Christopher ~12.01.2010~Edwin Oliver ~21.04.2014~Effie Prudence ~21.04.2014~
"Sometimes the strength of motherhood is greater than natural law." ~ Barbara Kingsolver
April 24th, 2014 10:18 AM #17
@tarynkay I love your point about marriage not meaning the same thing for everyone. I think that is important to remember. Also, the tired thing... very good one to think about as well. My aunt, who has two young girls, says she wonders when she will ever feel fully rested again.
@truenature I was not offended at all! This is why I am wanting impartial advice, so that I get every single angle, and money is certainly an incredibly important thing to consider. I know there are studies that say financial issues are one of the main things that lead to divorce.
@weezieconstance I think I needed that psychological side, so thank you. I know a lot of what I am feeling right now is based on the fact that my two best friends have kids (one just had her third!), my youngest sister is pregnant with her second, my other younger sister is getting married in August and wants to have kids right away (which is a whole other story - they are definitely not ready but... not my place). I also have two cousins who just had/are due any day now with their first babies (and are both younger than me). So I actually think I may go talk to someone because I logically know that we should wait, but I realized last night after talking to my mother about something unrelated that this may be all stemming from feeling like I am somehow falling behind. And that is silly. Because I am leaps ahead of some of the women up there in other areas like career, financial stability, etc.
Anyhoo. Thank you all, you've been a great help. SO and I talked last night and have decided to wait until at least after we get married next year. He might have to continuously talk me off a ledge, but yeah We're good. I'll just come back to this thread and read through it if I am ever feeling confused again!!Ladies
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May 13th, 2014 03:07 AM #19Senior Member
- Join Date
- Mar 2012