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Thread: Need help deciding
April 23rd, 2014 03:34 PM #6Senior Member
- Join Date
- Apr 2011
I respectfully disagree with the pp. Marriage changed NOTHING in our relationship, just how others viewed it. (We did choose to wait a while to have kids but that was for other reasons.) We had already lived together for several years and had already known we were committed to each other for the long haul. The wedding was a lot of fun, and I still love saying 'my husband' nearly 5 years later but those things have more to do with other people and their reactions than our personal relationship.
It sounds like you are financially stable and both really want children. There will never be a perfect time to have kids, but those two things imo are a pretty good beginning. My husband and I really tried to determine when would be the ideal time and after a lot of struggle we decided to go for it despite the fact that both of us were in masters programs. We had savings (and I already had a different masters degree and had worked for 6 years) but we didn't own our own home, nor did we live near family (a completely different continent actually). However we decided the time was right for us based on a lot of different factors, including how much time we could spend with our kids, available parental leave, health insurance coverage etc. I was 29 and he was 28.
We chose to tell our parents that we had made the decision to start trying to conceive. I guess we just didn't want there to be any doubt about whether we had made a 'mistake' or not. But in retrospect it was not really their concern. I think that was sort of a childish thing we did to ensure we didn't lose their respect when we got pregnant 'unexpectedly'.
If you are hesitating because of how you think others will view you and your decisions, I say forget them and go for it. However, if you hesitation is about whether you truly want a child now, then I say give it some more thought.
Good luck with your decision!Mama to my boys, the 'twinadoes', and a little Tingeling.
April 23rd, 2014 03:55 PM #8Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jul 2013
Why not push up your honeymoon if that's one of the major issues? There is no reason why it has to be after your wedding and then you could enjoy a last big trip before starting a family. Also you mention not wanting to move up the wedding because of your sister's and spacing things out. But if you have a baby around the time of your wedding then your family would have two major things happening. I also personally think wedding planning with a baby would be difficult. You also might not get pregnant right away and could be heavily pregnant for your wedding is that something that matters to you? Also if you have a baby six months before he wedding then it's very likely you will still not be back to your pre-pregnancy body. Is that an issue for you?
You said you were established in your career. With your current salaries can you afford daycare in addition to extra money for buying things for the baby? Is your maternity leave paid or unpaid and if it's unpaid can you afford it on your fiancé's current salary? He might not get a new job right after graduation so I would plan it with your current salaries.Mother to: Patrick Werner (3/10) , Mary Claire (06/12) and Margaret Rose (05/15)
April 23rd, 2014 03:58 PM #10
Both of those are definitely thoughtful considerations.
In our society, weddings have become such a huge, stressful thing for many people--all the money, planning, and detailed organization involved can be insane!
I honestly think one of the reasons a lot of people put off getting married is because a wedding is such an ordeal.
When many of our mothers (or in some cases grandmothers, etc) got married a wedding was a small occasion where a few friends and family would gather, pretty dresses and flowers were purchased, a friend made a nice cake, the local minister said a few words, and that was that!
Now days having a similar wedding seems to be something to be ashamed of. Like a marker that you're poor or don't truly care about your partner/mother/family/friends/whatever!
lol, sorry for the rant! It's not about you! I just want to hear about more simple weddings and fewer David Tutera hooplahsTop Names: Benedict Calvin & Noelle Geneva
Olivia/Livy : Darah/Bethel : Eve/Verity
Eli/Solomon : Luke/Zane: Levi/Phineas
Due in January!
April 23rd, 2014 04:10 PM #12
It sounds like you've got everything well in place for a baby so you I think you sound pretty good to go. My advice would be to wait till the honeymoon though because it really is hard once you are pregnant and with kids its hard to do anything and you can't enjoy anything with the freedom you have before. I know it's hard to wait but mark ttc on the calendar and you'll have something to look forward to and prepare. When the baby bug catches you, you can work on the nursery or browse baby names. It does help ease that desire when you feel like you are working towards it and then enjoy the time you have together! Life will never be the same afterwards.
Last edited by anaxandra; April 23rd, 2014 at 04:12 PM.
April 23rd, 2014 04:34 PM #14
@zaelia Thank you for that! I can't think that marriage would change us that much - maybe if we weren't living together I could understand. My best friend never lived with her now husband before they married, and it was definitely an adjustment for both of them.
@feberin That is an interesting thought. We are both avid american football fans, and we wanted to go to a NFL game in London, so maybe we can look into doing it this year.
@kala_way Weddings are crazy. We are trying to do as small as we can, but both our families are huge so that has become rather difficult without excluding people and hurting feelings. One of his cousins tried to do that this past year and the family was so upset she ended up doing more than initially planned (she had just wanted a few friends and her closest family - I wish she had done it so that the precedent would be set).
@anaxandra The time is one of the big things for me. I know that after babies come they put more strain on time and money. We want to do this ourselves, not bring a baby, but I don't think I would want to leave my young child for that long! Thank you