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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
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    10,105

    When do you name a baby lost to miscarriage

    Sadly, I lost my precious baby to miscarriage last week. I was only 12 weeks along. My husband asked if we should name the baby. I have never heard of anyone naming a lost baby unless they were closer to term. Do you have any advice?

  2. #3
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Location
    Room 94
    Posts
    4,553
    First off, I'm so sorry to hear that, I can't imagine it's easy to handle.

    As for advice, I'm not sure, this seems like a very personal topic, and you'll likely get a lot of ideas.

    My only thoughts on it, are, personally, I feel like it might be more meaningful to name them if you know the gender, but, at 12 weeks, I don't think it would have been detected yet. That can making settling on a name more difficult, because you would also have to assign a hypothetical gender, or choose a unisex name, and unisex might not be your style. However, I've always thought that, if it does happen to me one day (miscarriages are incredibly common in my family), that I would choose a unisex name that I don't mind on either gender - like Darcy or Morgan. Or, I wouldn't choose a proper name, and would just choose a special NN that would be like, reserved for that child.

    I hope that came across the way I intended, and once again, I'm so sorry to hear that. *hugs*. xoxo
    haley/officially nineteen/lover of Jane Austen and Downton Abbey/

    Girls: Doris, Georgiana, Amelia, Lillian, Edna, Clara, Minnie, Mabel, Arabella

    Boys: Matthew, Christopher, Daniel, Louis, Ernest, James, Joshua, Harrison, Henry

    ~no matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world~

  3. #5
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Location
    Pennsylvania
    Posts
    309
    I'm so sorry for your loss. I know women who have named their miscarried child and others who have not, all of whom were around the same point in their pregnancy as you were. I think if it would help you and your husband to heal to have a name for the child or a way to remember your loss, then there is no "right" or "wrong" pregnancy length to do so.

  4. #7
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    St. Louis, MO
    Posts
    295
    Quote Originally Posted by boyandgirl View Post
    Sadly, I lost my precious baby to miscarriage last week. I was only 12 weeks along. My husband asked if we should name the baby. I have never heard of anyone naming a lost baby unless they were closer to term. Do you have any advice?
    boyandgirl, I feel like I was destined to read your post. My baby also died last week; I miscarried at 11 weeks. I debated for a while whether or not to name her (I feel in my heart it was a girl even though we have no way of knowing), and do I use a "real" name, like from our name list we were building for this baby we planned to greet in October? Or simply a nickname? Do I use a name that I had wanted for a future, living child? Or should I "save" those names and come up with something else? All hard questions, no right answers. Here's what we decided to do...

    We named our baby Susannah. This was off our real list, and it was THE name, as far as I was concerned. I was hesitant to use it, however, because I wanted to have a healthy, living Susannah, who would be part of our family and be my little girl, who I would raise and watch her grow up. I didn't want my Susannah to be my baby that died. For those reasons, we strongly considered using a different name (we didn't consider not naming -- for us, it was a crucial step in honoring this child and processing our grief. I don't think it matters if you lose a baby at 4 weeks or 40 -- it's still your baby). All of that being said, we did end up ultimately naming her Susannah because 1) I simply believed in my heart that she WAS Susannah. It wasn't like just any baby died. It was like Susannah died; like she already had an identity, and 2) We had already been referring to her as "Zuzu," 3) I personally felt like she deserved a "real name" as opposed to simply a nickname (though we love Zuzu). We considered naming her simply Zuzu -- after all, we'd been calling her Zuzu for weeks -- but I felt that it wasn't enough.... and 4) giving her a name that was very special and beautiful in my eyes made the loss of her life so much more real. Actually it made it hurt A LOT more. Fun thing? Of course not. Healthy, ultimately good, helpful thing? Yes, I think so. My baby is a person who deserves to be grieved, and to me, giving her a special name is an acknowlegment of her worth. (If you're interested, you can read my miscarriage story and more naming thoughts on my blog: http://peaceloveandspitup.wordpress....sing-susannah/

    Hugs to you, mama. I'm so sorry. I hope this reads as I intended it -- what worked and was healing for ME, not as a prescription for what you "should" do. Please listen to your heart and proceed in whatever way feels right for your family. XOXO.
    Mama to Gabriel James 12.03.12


    Adeline Rosemary. Josephine Alice. Felicity Irene. Phoebe Clementine. Susannah Margot. Eliza Phoebe...

    Sebastian Thomas. Calvin Alexander. Jonah Benjamin. August Nathaniel. Silas Elliot. Arthur Simon...

    For today...

  5. #9
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    10,105
    Quote Originally Posted by stlmama225 View Post
    boyandgirl, I feel like I was destined to read your post. My baby also died last week; I miscarried at 11 weeks. I debated for a while whether or not to name her (I feel in my heart it was a girl even though we have no way of knowing), and do I use a "real" name, like from our name list we were building for this baby we planned to greet in October? Or simply a nickname? Do I use a name that I had wanted for a future, living child? Or should I "save" those names and come up with something else? All hard questions, no right answers. Here's what we decided to do...
    .
    Thank you for your kind words. I also feel in my heart that my baby was a girl. I "knew" with both of my other children. My husband also thinks it was a girl, but says he doesn't want to give a girl's name if we have a little boy in Heaven. I don't want to use my chosen name of Alice. I have dreams of having her one day. This was a wonderful surprise as my husband didn't want to have more children. Now, I feel desperate to have another. My miscarriage ended in emergency and it seems everyone is only concerned about me, while I am only grieving for my baby. I've been searching for a name that I connect with using, but it doesn't seem to be happening. For now, I will keep searching and pondering.

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