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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Posts
    175

    Not sure if we can handle this!

    Our son Kaidan is adopted, his biological mom is a family friend and while he knows her as someone more than just an aunt he is only two so he doesn't really understand that while she gave birth to him and is his bio, but we are his mom and dad.

    Anyways, we also have our son Seb and we're expecting a sweet baby girl in April. My pregnancy has been going along extremely well, so there is nothing to worry about there.

    On Thanksgiving K's mom pulled both my husband and I aside from our large family and informed us that she is pregnant once more, and that she is expecting twins and is due in mid June. She also informed us that she will not be keeping the babies, and asked that we adopt them so they can grow up with their older brother.

    We have two amazing boys, and we're expecting a bundle of joy… But now we have been asked to take on two more children… The boys are only six months apart, and K came to live in our home when Seb was about a year old, but that is a larger age difference…

    What we don't know is… Are we going to be able to handle a two and a half month old as well as newborn twins?
    I'm really freaking out about this… When K is older, how would we explain to him if we didn't also end up adopting the twins?
    Does anyone have a near similar experience?

    Mama to Sebastian, Kaidan, Evelyn, Britton, and Jackson

  2. #3
    That's extremely unfair and irresponsible of Kaiden's mother to ask you to adopt the twins as well. Having said that though, for Kaiden's sake I would probably try to reach some sort of shared custody agreement, where the twins can live with you and their brother, but their bio mom agrees to help out significantly with the kids' care, supervision and expenses, especially during the first few years. Taking care of three infants in addition to two small children is a VERY daunting task, and you deserve all the help she can give you if you are to give her children a home.

    Edit; I should add that that would be the soft-hearted approach. Should you feel you cannot handle five young children at once, I feel it is perfectly within your moral right to refuse to adopt them, and if I were Kaiden I would definitely understand the circumstances you were in at the time. As long as he gets to see his bio siblings often, I don't see anything he could fault you for.
    Last edited by perrygirl; December 1st, 2013 at 03:51 AM.

  3. #5
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Posts
    175
    Kaidan's mother is only allowed to have supervised visits with him, so asking her to take on shared custody isn't an option. With the case that is open against her she will lose full custody of the twins even if we decide that we cannot adopt them, which would probably mean K growing up without knowing his siblings.

    I calculated it out, and Seb will only be about three years and nine months old on her projected due date, which she will probably go early because of the multiples.

    But then, when Kaidan is five years old and he sees pictures of his siblings because his bio is and always will be a tiny part of his life how are my husband and I suppose to explain to him that we couldn't take on two more children?

    Both my husband and I want to do right by our kids, the three we already have. This is so overwhelming.

    Mama to Sebastian, Kaidan, Evelyn, Britton, and Jackson

  4. #7
    I feel you might be projecting your own feelings onto Kaiden. You've already done more than anyone is morally expected to do - adopted him and brought him up with your own kids when his bio mom couldn't. No reasonable child would resent you for failing to adopt his unborn siblings as well, especially given that a household of three little ones is a huge responsibility as it is. Taking on an additional two newborns in your circumstances would be positively Herculean.

    He will probably wonder about them and want to meet them, and later on if his bio has their contact info (which she should, unless she is legally charged with abusive behavior or something?) that may still be possible. But he will not feel their lack of presence in his life negatively. Remember he'll grow up with two siblings of his own, your bio kids. You're still able to provide him with a loving family and siblings to play with. In my opinion, that's as good as anyone could ask for. I don't think he'll hate you for not taking on two more babies he hasn't even met yet, just because they're blood-related to him.

  5. #9
    Although I understand you want your son to know his biologically siblings, there's also the issue to discuss about what you would do if the bio mom had more children after the twins.
    Family friends of mine had adopted a little girl, who was 2 when they were approached to see if they wanted to adopt the son that her bio mom was expecting. At first they thought they should, as family is important and they wanted her to know her sibling, but they also found out that this mother had already had 2 other sons, and seeing as she was only 27, was likely to have even more.

    You shouldn't feel guilty if you decide not to adopt the babies. There is only so much you can do. Also, since open adoption is much more common these days, if another family adopts the twins, they may want your son to be in their kids' lives just as much as you want your son in their's, so it may work out even if you don't decide to adopt them.

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