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Thread: Family Planning and Society
November 3rd, 2013 01:13 AM #6
I agree it's an individual thing. My husband and I met when we were 13. We dated almost exclusively that whole time (we broke up once when we were 14 for 3 weeks, then we broke up for like 2 months when we were 15). He asked me to marry him when we were 16. He got kicked out of his abusive home when he turned 18 and moved in with a friend of my moms and I moved in too when I turned 18. We moved into the trailor I'd grown up in, it was rent free and on my grandmothers property and close to school.
We were married on July 17th (I turned 18 on June 12th) and I started college the next month. We've been married 4 years and yea, there was a rocky place or two, but honestly, I wouldn't change anything. Marrying young doesn't have to mean it won't work. If you truly love each other and you are truly commited, then you'll find a way to work through the problems and grow together. The problem with getting married young is that a lot of people grow seperately rather than maturing and growing with each other. It's a matter of communication, understanding, and a willingness to fight for each other and have faith in your love.
We had our first baby in June this year. We're both 22 (she came exactly one week after I turned 22). It was planned. We've been together almost 10 years. I was ready, he was ready. We had like...$400 in the bank and I wasn't even making $1000 a month and I admit it wasn't the most intelligent decision we've ever made, but you know what? As soon as I found out I was pregnant it was like someone kicked me in the ass. We were moved into our own place (a real place, not at my grandma's. We pay rent and all that :P) Cody got a job for the first time in 4 years, we got our stuff together. Our lives are much better order, we're much better off financially, and Persephone makes my world turn. She inspires me to push harder. I'm finishing up my degree this year and it all worked out fine.
That was all because we worked and fought and learned and grew together. It can be done. You don't have to be a statistic and you certainly shouldn't worry what other people will say. There'll always be someone saying "Yea, you finished school, but now you need a job. You have a job but now you need to keep it for a year to make sure it's stable. You did that, but you could really use some more money." and on and on...if you wait for perfection then you'll never get started.
And just sharing a secret with you, if you're smart, the baby really isn't as expensive as they like to say. Neither is the wedding. I planned and organized and had my own wedding for less than $300 which includes the cost of the dress and cake and venue. I've spent maybe $50, $60 dollars in the baby. I get all her clothes at consignment sales (you can find some CHEAP name brand stuff). I walked away with 2 dressers full of clothes for $30. I'd be more than willing to talk all about the savings and things if you'd like but I'm rambling now and this is getting way too long. PM me if you want. ^_^
November 3rd, 2013 01:23 AM #8
one more thing:
"You shouldn't try for children before you finish college (because you'll never go back) "
I have to REALLY strongly disagree here. If I come off as aggressive I'm sorry but I get so tired of people saying this. When you tell someone "I'm going to take a break from school" and they immediately say "You won't ever go back" all that does is give negative energy so that that person later goes "Well, everyone said I'd never finish." It's not true at all. TONS of people go back. They don't always go back immediately, but a lot of people do go back. Going back is all about you. If you had a baby during school (and don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you should) and you truly wanted to go back, you'd go back. There's daycares, relatives, nannies, etc. It's a few hours a day not even every day a week. Take a semester till you're healed and the babies 6 months or so and then find someone to watch it during those 5 or so hours a few days. I took a year off to have Persephone, I'm going back in January. Paperwork filled out and everything.
So please, don't just say "if you quit you just won't go back." Don't generalize. There are tons of us that have the drive and the desire to finish school that do go back. Again, I'm sorry if I was overly aggressive but you have no idea how often I heard this and how terrible it always made me feel. Like the person saying it thought I wasn't smart or that they didn't believe in me at all.
I'm not saying go have a baby during college, but if it happens, accidents do or if you're like us, you stop thinking for a while and do it anyway (or with me I was so bored with school my grades were slipping and I needed the break anyway), just know that you can go back if you want to and you can finish and you can still be everything you want.
So yea, I'm sorry to rant all over your thread. I'll be done now >.>
November 3rd, 2013 03:54 AM #10
@tarankay - I didn't mean to imply that you can't complete college or travel while married. My point was that it's harder to do those things when you have children, which is what you stated also.
@dantea - I realise my claim (that if you quit college you'll never go back) is a generalisation, but I think it's true for the majority of cases. Of course, some people will go back. But most won't - particularly if their reason for dropping out was to have a baby. So, I guess what I'm saying is, if getting a college degree is important to you, then be sure to finish before getting pregnant.
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November 3rd, 2013 07:18 AM #12
Is there a particular reason to start with the babymaking now...such as wanting a whole bunch of kids and the time to space them out? If not, my best advice is to enjoy the unexpected extra money you have now as a couple by traveling and with other couple-centric activities that will be more difficult with a young family in tow. Make a "pre baby bucket list" and have fun crossing it off. Build a stronger relationship now. That way, whenever you do start a family, you will both be less likely to feel like you jumped into things too early.
There's nothing wrong with starting a family while in school. But I wouldn't do it (I didn't do it). A few years ago I was basically in your spot...together with my boyfriend for 4+ years, in school and just waiting for it to be finished so we could start a family. But as we get closer to TTC, I am glad we didn't start a family then just because we could have scraped by, financially speaking. Had we already had a child, I would have been more limited in taking some job opportunities. And the job market is tight; you just might need that extra cash to live on after school if you don't become employed right away.
There are wonderful couples and families who do get by on little cash and that is great, laudable, wonderful. But financial woes can also add much stress to a relationship so that is why I am a proponent of getting to one's career goal before TTC, assuming you are still plenty young.Personal Favorites: Mira Cairdeas and Darrow Paine
Best Wishes To All
November 3rd, 2013 12:39 PM #14
Yes, Sarah, I knew what you meant. It was very early when I ranted. Sorry. *sheepish*
Anyway, short version of what I said up there, I think it's perfectly all right to get engaged and plan a wedding during college. There's nothing wrong with that and it's unlikely to hurt your studies in any way. I think it's perfectly fine to marry during college. Lots of people do it.
I would advise you to wait to have a baby till your degree is done, but if it happens, it's not the end of the world and you can do it and you can go back. It would be better to live as a married couple for a while, build your home and your dynamic before a baby.