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  1. #16
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    New England
    Posts
    1,900
    Quote Originally Posted by ottilie View Post
    I'm wondering now if we're abnormal or if only the good thinking mature couples are replying.

    Husband and I fight a lot. We don't scream or throw things, well, almost never, I smashed a bowl once because he drove me up the wall. We fight and then the air's clean, it's like a thunder storm. I love fighting, it clears my head. We don't fight because we're more annoyed with each other than other people, we fight because that's how we work through things. Emotions are validated, we know we love each other, but fighting works for us. But we're passionate physical people, we express ourselves through actions more than words. I don't think artists can be calm, collected and poised during disagreements. And I honestly think I'd feel less loved if he didn't fight with me... We don't bicker too much though. I've become used to the fact that he's unable to throw his laundry into the basket, and he's fine with the *occasional* spilling of tea in bed. We have separate bathrooms, that probably helps a lot. I don't think we fight more after Roo came along... I think it's about the same. We've only had one huge fight in the time we've been together (almost two and a half years).
    Not abnormal. I just think that if my husband and I fought a lot it would not work. He is not that passionate emotional person, but I am. If we both were, we'd kill each other. He brings me back to the more rational and helps me see why I'm upset which usually isn't what I'm riled up about.

    Every relationship has it's own MO. The important part is to find a method of communicating that works for the two of you. It would be worse to not express yourself at all.

    Ottilie, I hope it wasn't a pretty bowl I've been known to scream into pillows
    My Zoe ... My life
    9/12/14

  2. #18
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    California
    Posts
    7,083
    No, I agree with you katieydenberg. I'm an ISTJ (exactly opposite of you, lol!) so it makes sense that our styles in such things would be different. It's great that you make the effort to understand your DH's differences. Many extroverts tend to downgrade the feelings of introverts because they aren't as vibrantly expressed. I can assure you our feelings and emotions are just as strong, we just manage them differently.
    Olivia/Livia/Livy/Liv : Thessaly/Darah/Bethel : Noelle/Eve
    Benedict/Eli: Jude/Zane: Luke/Darius : Levi/Phineas/Calvin


  3. #20
    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    Location
    CAN
    Posts
    406
    I'm not married, but I have to add my two cents.
    I agree that the occasional fight is healthy, and disagreements and arguments are just a part of being in a relationship- but my parents used to fight a lot when I was young. It scared me and I never understood it. My mom would try and calmly tell me that couples need to fight and so that idea got into my head. She would tell me that they were happy, and if they didn't fight all the time it wouldn't be a real relationship. She and I talked recently, her admitting how wrong she was.
    Now more than 15 years later my parents no longer fight. My mom says they 'solved things' somehow, which I distinctly remember being one last big blow out. They argue a bit and disagree a lot, but it never gets to fighting anymore.
    Even though I do not live with them anymore, I was so much more content at home after they stopped fighting. I used to walk on eggshells half of my childhood because there was almost always tension in the air. Because they told me they were happy/ were not going to get divorced I believed it. But now I can see it, and I know that it is much healthier.

    Just thought I would chime in... Even "non violent" fighting really affects the kids. I often wonder if I do not have the best conflict skills because of how my parents used to fight.
    20 yr old name nerd, nanny & health and nutrition undergrad

    Loving for the ladies: Harriet, Olive, Daphne and Frances
    And for the gentlemen: Peter, Charles and Beau (much harder than girls for me)

    In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer -Albert Camus

  4. #22
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    104
    My husband and I have known each other for over 14 years, so we have grown up together and generally have similar opinions about many things, but other things we are polar opposites.

    In answer to your first question, quite often. Both my husband and I are reasonably opinionated people and we disagree, we always have. I'm always irritated with him, dirty clothes left in the middle of the kitchen, toilet seat up, you know the usual... But I'm not someone who really holds grudges, so our little disagreements are over as quick as they began. We hardly ever get to the point of tears, unless it's at that time of the month where I am particularly cranky.

    Having kids hasn't really made us fight more than we used to. Our lives have pretty much continued the same way since having them.
    I think the key to kids not affecting the nature of your relationship is to decide how you want to raise them before you have your first one. Of course you can't think ahead about everything, but we decided on punishments that we would use, ages when they are expected to start cleaning up after themselves, when they would be allowed to do certain "grown up things" and what not. I wrote it all down, so we have a reference, but I'm just a super, crazy control freak, so our strategy would not work for everyone. I think knowing where you both stand in regard to certain issues is a great way to side step fighting over your children. Jack and I also decided long ago that all the decisions we make about the children we make together, and also openly communicate if something is wrong. It's definitely not the recipe for success, and only time will tell but for the past 2 years out plan seems to have worked!

    When I got married, my mum told me that her and my dad had always stuck by the rule of, "if your disagreeing and it's getting heated, hold each others hands" I thought it was absolute rubbish, but one day I decided to try it and it worked, it's really hard to be angry at the person you love when your holding their hand!

    All in all, I think it's quite healthy to disagree, bottling things up can only lead to trouble in my experience. I don't know about everyone else, but I would get incredibly bored if I were in the honeymoon stage of my relationship forever. You don't really get to know a person unless you know what they don't like. And going against the grain a little, but I really don't think it's that bad for children to see their parents argue either, talking about a disagreement not an all out guns blazing war, children have to grow up in a world full of disagreements so seeing it at home can only make them more well-rounded, adaptable people, I don't really want my boys growing up in a bubble full of rainbows and baby animals.
    Last edited by goldielocks; September 17th, 2013 at 07:10 PM.
    Mama to Bugsy William and Jem Richmond.

  5. #24
    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    Posts
    589
    I think I'm the opposite of everyone else on having kids. We fight so much more now that we have kids. Before kids I think it was easier to just air issues but we try not to argue in front of them or get on each other's case. Now when we get a chance to sit down and talk we tend to have more issues that come up. Also right after having a baby when sleep deprivation is at it's highest then we fight a lot because we're just plain exhausted. I'd say we have an argument about once a week. Nothing super nasty with screaming or throwing stuff but disagreeing and airing grievances. We always work it out within an hour or so. A big fight happens rarely. I'm not sure about a timeline on it though because it's not like it's evenly spaced but probably a few times a year.
    Before we were married or had kids we didn't fight much at all. But we could talk about stuff more freely, weren't routinely exhausted and had less things to disagree about. One thing we both try to do is always back up the other one with the kids. So even if I don't agree I'll back up my husband's choices and he'll back up mine.
    Mother to: Patrick Werner (3/10) and Mary Claire (06/12)

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