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Thread: Finding my identity
September 15th, 2013 02:22 AM #6
Ditto on the off-topic section
I can understand why you would come to the NB community with an issue like this as you can maintain anonymity and how hard it can be to discuss certain topics with those close to you. Self searching is something that alot of us do and honestly people come of age at different times... not necessarily as a teenager.
I will re-iterate redwoodfey's point about self exploration. It may be important to find out what you like and how you feel and whether sex is something that you enjoy doing or not. It may be experimenting with yourself and it also may be experimenting with other people. Test the waters to see which sex you are attracted to and what you like in other people. Also remember if you have one bad experience not to let it taint you as everyone is different.
The other thing is I know you may be interested in romance etc... But I think the most important thing is to find out what you like and what you are happy with before you go searching to get lost in another person. I genuinely don't condone looking to someone else for a sense of self-esteem. I like being a relationship so I have someone to enjoy spending time with not to use as a crutch to hold me up. From personal experience this doesn't always work as not only are you left with the problems you have before, but you have a heartbreak to deal with as well.
The other thing is some girls also put out just to fit in. It is not something that is openly discussed but alot of men out there enjoy having sex and see that as a requirement for a relationship. How men view sex is also different. There are some women out there that just put out to have the company, so they won't feel as alone. Not everyone enjoys having sex and some women fake it. Just like for you sex may not be a requirement, for other people it is. It is okay to not want to have sex and not enjoy having it and I am certainly not suggesting you 'put out' just to fit in. I'm just saying people do things for different reasons and its important not to place assumptions on other people from how it looks on the outside.
I've had my fair share of problems and I understand sometimes it is hard to find someone to talk to. I also understand therapy is expensive and not something everyone can afford (especially as you're experiencing family problems atm) so if you want to talk or want someone to listen to you can shoot me a pm. No judgement.
September 15th, 2013 02:41 AM #8
I agree with this. I am not asexual, but for once in my life, I thought I may not interested in romantic relationship at all (and of course it's not something I can share with my parents..). It's different, but still.. the principle is similar. I also don't think "coming out" is important. What you need to do is to figure out your feelings for yourself. Once you figure it out, you can sort things with your potential partners, hopefully.
Sorry for being no help, I wish you the best luck. Ditto to everyone who said that nameberry is one of the best online communities. PM me anytime if you want to talk.Cynthia/Luna
twenty-something name nerd. infj
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September 15th, 2013 11:19 AM #10Senior Member
- Join Date
- Apr 2013
Being asexual is not something that's often depicted publicly in our society, through media, etc. and in a culture where "sex sells" it can feel like something is wrong with you if you have no interest in it.
I bet if you look, you can find a number of others who identify as asexual. I know more than a handful of (all women) that do. Maybe you'll never have an interest in sex, or maybe one day you will. Sexuality is fluid, for many people it stays the same their whole lives, but for others it changes.
I suggest taking a course on sexuality, something like the psychology of sex or even gender studies. Perhaps an adult Ed class at a local college, or even look for something on coursera.org.
As for "coming out"...I agree that unless it's to someone who has reasonable expectations of a sexual relationship with you, such as a romantic partner, there 's no need. People who come out to family as gay or bi are not usually coming out primarily with their sexuality, but with their romantic interests.Lillian Elizabeth 6.16.13
September 15th, 2013 12:11 PM #12
Can I recommend something completely different? Try talking to your doctor about doing a hormonal work up. It could be that you have a chemical imbalance right now which is causing you to be attracted to the idea of romantic involvement but not physical relationship.
Along with this I'd recommend seeing a professional counselor / therapist who can help you work out your feelings, find your identity, and also help you increase your self-esteem, especially regarding your body.
Good Luck! And I know, it stinks to feel so unsure of yourself.
September 15th, 2013 12:50 PM #14Senior Member
- Join Date
- Apr 2013
Oh...good suggestion about the hormonal work up! Medications can have a huge effect on sex drive as well, and so can depression or anxiety. But, if none of these is the cause, it's perfectly acceptable to have no interest in sex.
Regardless of your sexuality, seeing a counselor or therapist for your self esteem issues might be helpful. No one should have to be uncomfortable in their own body.Lillian Elizabeth 6.16.13