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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Location
    Planet Earth
    Posts
    574

    Finding my identity

    Before I begin this post, I would like to ask that people take me seriously. I know that this is not an entirely appropriate topic for a naming website, but Nameberry has the only Internet forums I have joined where I feel confident and safe enough to ask for help and advice. So if you do reply, please don't tell me that the topic is not appropriate for the type of forum. This is a very serious thing for me, and I would really appreciate any help or advice you can give me, as I trust the integrity and kindness of the people on Nameberry's forums. They are the most friendly, best forums on the entire Internet. The community is very supportive, and I would really appreciate advice, but please do not ridicule me. This issue is not bolstering my self confidence at all. Thanks.

    I don't really know how to explain this, but I have having issues determining my sexuality. Again, I know this does not seem appropriate for NB, but it is the only forum where I feel safe enough to ask for help. This is a very sensitive issue.

    At first, I thought a person could only fit into one of three categories: bisexual, gay, or straight. I feel repulsed by the thought of sexual interaction, but it continually seems to be in my thoughts. I seem to find myself attracted to the opposite gender (I am female), but the thought of anything sexual is repulsive to me. I have low self confidence and I am not confident in my own naked body, especially not with someone else's. I am very modest and never revealing in my clothing.

    Recently, I considered that I might be asexual. Before, I thought I wa probably straight, just not very good at it. As far as I can tell, being asexual is having romantic involvement but not wanting to have anything to do with sexual relationships. This seems to describe me, but I really don't know what to do. I'm going through a tough situation right now that is putting my home at risk, and combined with a lack of self confidence and an uncertain identity, I don't have the courage to face this alone. There is no one who I feel safe talking face-to-face with, so I'm asking you to help me out and tell me what you think I should do.

    If I am asexual, how can I come out about it? It does not seem to be a well known sexual orientation and I am worried I will be misunderstood. How can I find my own identity? Being a person who is very stereotyped to begin with, this is a huge challenge for me. I would appreciate any advice or help you can give me more than you can ever imagine.

    An again, I'm sorry for posting this unrelated to naming or children topic on Namberry, but it is the only place I feel safe an confident enough to ask for help. I have no friends close enough to ask, my family is in chaos and I don't want to give my parents more problems than they already have. Thank you so much, I am so grateful for having someone to turn to.
    ~Mehri

  2. #3
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    Wishing for Greece, stuck in the US
    Posts
    6,041
    This is why we need an off topic board.

    I can understand about not knowing what to do and being a different sexuality than most people accept. I'm bigender/gender fluid and pansexual. It can be hard, but be confident and loving yourself is worth the effort. What you're describing does sound asexual to me. Someone who wants a romantic relationship, someone to love, to spend time with, to have a life with, but without all the touching, sex part. That's what you seem to be describing. That's ok. Plenty of people are like that. Even though I'm pansexual, I even get that way sometimes.

    For your questions: Who are you coming out to? If it's to a boyfriend/girlfriend, I would just sit down and have an honest, open talk. Just come out and say "I love being with you, I love the romance, but I'm not very interested in the sex. I'm so much more interested in..." etc. If it's to your parents, my thought are that this isn't something needs to be "come out" to like if you were bi or gay. This is just not liking sex at all and I'm not entirely sure it's something that you need to "come out" about with your parents. If you want to, or feel you need to, I would do as above. Just tell them honestly that you don't like it, at all, and that you still want to love someone, to get married but that that part isn't something that interests you.

    Honestly, you're likely to be misunderstood, yes. I'm misunderstood. I try to explain pansexual and I usually get "So you mean bisexual?" No, it's different. It's just a matter of being persistent and patient. It's not something most people have heard of, so it will take time.

    If you need anything else, if you have more questions for someone else in the "unheard of" area of this topic, or if you just want someone to talk to, send me a message. I'm extremely open and I'd love to make a new online friend. ^_^
    Mother, Hellenic Pagan Priestess, and Resident Greek name expert ^_^ Call me Dantea or Remy

    http://covertocoverediting.webs.com/ -- Editing services available for cheap.

    Proud Mama to:
    Persephone Elysia Willow -- June 5th 2013
    TTC #2 by Christmas 2014

  3. #5
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    2,570
    You really need to speak to a counsellor, doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, etc, someone who can guide you in this area.
    Audrey - Beatrice - Clara - Daphne - Flora - Jane - Mabel - Susannah

    Arthur - Barnaby - Edward - Frederick - Henry - Rupert - Theodore - Walter

  4. #7
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Posts
    2,148
    Quote Originally Posted by dantea View Post
    Who are you coming out to? If it's to a boyfriend/girlfriend, I would just sit down and have an honest, open talk. Just come out and say "I love being with you, I love the romance, but I'm not very interested in the sex. I'm so much more interested in..." etc. If it's to your parents, my thought are that this isn't something needs to be "come out" to like if you were bi or gay. This is just not liking sex at all and I'm not entirely sure it's something that you need to "come out" about with your parents. If you want to, or feel you need to, I would do as above. Just tell them honestly that you don't like it, at all, and that you still want to love someone, to get married but that that part isn't something that interests you.
    This seems like good advice to me. I imagine it's different for everyone, since "coming out" isn't important to everyone. If I were gay or bi, I wouldn't "come out" about my sexuality, because it is such a small part of my personality. I don't think it's anyone's business who I am sexually attracted to (except a potential sexual partner). I've also never had a particularly strong desire to be accepted, so there's that.

    I just think it's important to figure out your feelings for yourself. It's a horrible feeling to have sex when you do not particularly want to do it, and you do not owe sex to anyone no matter how much you love them.
    Trying in earnest for our first this winter

  5. #9
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    east of the sun, west of the moon
    Posts
    1,267
    There really is a great community here. I've been around boards of all sorts for the 15 or so years I've been online, and this is one of my favorites by far.

    One of my friends is asexual, and she often expresses confusion about that, so it might be common. I'm not sure, as she's the only person I know who is "out" about her asexuality. I do however know a lot of people (especially women) who have an aversion to sex, but have sexual relationships anyway, for whatever reason. Babies, social expectations, I'm not sure. I'm very sexual, with a pretty fluid sexuality, but I too have had times when I wasn't interested in being a sexual person. I guess, in my experience, sexuality can change. For me, it shifts as I grow and change. I love people, all sorts of people, and sometimes there's a sexual attraction there, sometimes I just want companionship. Right now I'm with the person I consider my forever partner. He's male, but he could have just as easily been female (or anything in between) and I'd feel the same way. I love his soul.

    Sexuality is so much more complicated than liking sex with boys, girls, or both (or none!). Even within those parameters, there's an entire rainbow of difference between one person and the next. The best way to find what works for you is by experimenting. If you enjoy sex with yourself, great. If you don't, great. If you're interested in playing with another persons' body, wonderful. If that's not something you're interested in, please don't ever try and force it. In the end, it's your body, your life, and you know best what feels right. Be true to yourself. If it feels wrong, that probably means it's wrong for you.

    I can definitely address the issues with your own body, and not feeling comfortable being naked. I'd probably be perfectly happy on a nudist colony. Clothes are fun, but I'd be so much happier if I never had to wear anything again. My mum says I was always like this, apparently my clothes came off as soon as I got home from school. My SO used to laugh himself silly when we first moved in together because the second I walk in the front door from shopping, working, whatever, my clothes start falling off. It has nothing to do with sex, I'm just not comfortable wearing clothing. If becoming comfortable with your own nudity is something you're interested in exploring, I encourage you to start being naked as often as possible. If you live with other people, start with your bedroom. Get yourself a lock, some curtains, push a chair in front of your door, whatever makes you feel safe. Then strip those clothes off. Read naked. Surf the net naked. Make a phone call naked. Eat an apple naked. Get really used to being naked. From there, you can start pushing your boundaries and see where they lay. Maybe you'll never be comfortable being nude in front of another person. Maybe you will. Who knows? Life is long, and change happens.

    As for coming out, explore what it is you feel you need to come out about. I personally never came out and announced what my sexual preferences were. None of my hetero friends have ever felt the need to let us all know what sort of sex they enjoy. If you feel it's something you need to do, start small, with one person you trust. Or be subtle. My asexual friend started sharing articles about asexuality on FB, before she finally came out and started talking about it.

    Go explore, Mehri. Start with self exploration, learning your own body, and go from there. Don't feel you have to define your sexuality, I certainly don't. But if you do need a definition, go for it! We're all so very different from each other. Be true. Be honest. Go forward and find your path.

    Thank you for sharing. I know it can be scary even when the sharing is done anonymously.
    Considering...
    Cordelia Eilonwy Snow ● Evadne Undomiel Snow ● Isabeau Sophronia Blanche ● Lorelei Nimue Ondine
    Pandora Vivienne Swan ● Thisbe Octavia Wildrose ● Thora Ilythia Swan

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    Caspian Ithuriel Wilder ● Damian Rainer Sparrow ● Evander Ithuriel Sol
    Gwydion Alaric Hart ● Malachi Tristan Bjorn ● Phineas Robin Blaise ● Theodore Peregrine Llyr

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