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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    Posts
    260

    How Long Did You Wait?

    Hello all

    So I recently entered a relationship with a guy I've known almost 4 months. We have been dating less that a week at this point. We are really close and want things to be taken fairly slow. We are both in college and 20, so we ideally want to wait a bit for certain things. However, we didn't really account on our feelings deepening this fast. Not saying we are in love yet, but it's definitely getting there. We met on a disaster relief trip and bonded really quickly over that and kept talking after we returned home.

    We met each other's families and both sides approve. His family thinks I'm the one for him, and they never said that about his previous girlfriends (it's my first relationship, but not his). I was talking to my best friend about it, and she thinks it's moving way too fast. She said with her relationship it took her months to fall in love and things like that. My mom told me that some people just know sooner than others, and there isn't necessarily anything wrong with that. For instance, we have friends that met on the same trip we were on, and they have been dating less than a month and are engaged already. Not saying me and my boyfriend are going that fast, but we can sort of understand.

    How long did it take you to realize you were in love or whatever? For those married/engaged, how long was it from when you started dating to your engagement? How did loved ones/friends react? Did you care what anyone thought? What, in your opinion, is a proper amount of time/speed for things?

    And to kinda keep this nameberry-related, when did you start talking about future kids' names? lol we already have and our styles are the same

    Thanks! And you don't have to answer every question..i'm just trying to get a feeling for what you all think..and what's "normal" lol.. any advice would be welcome as well! Y'all are awesome!!

    ~Alyssa

  2. #3
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Sweden
    Posts
    682
    I don't think there is a 'normal'. I knew my husband years before we started dating (I was in a relationship with his roommate so we actually lived together for a year before we were dating) Several months after I broke up with his roommate, my own roommate suggested I might be interested in dating my future husband. I thought about it and realized she was probably right- he was actually everything I wanted in a guy, so I asked him out. I think I knew I would marry him someday about 6 months in to the relationship. I didn't tell him that though. He was actually initially very opposed to the whole idea of marriage (in general, not particularly with me).

    In the subsequent 10+ years, we lived on separate continents twice for extended periods of time (6 months, and later 2.5 years) before moving back in together. Then we lived together for nearly a year before getting engaged. At that point we had been together nearly 6 years.

    I honestly don't know when baby names came up the first time. I think I got the vibe that he was just not that interested and therefor stayed away from the topic until it was relevant. Only occasionally when there was a major 'in' to talk about it would I bring it up (ie. a friend had a baby or something). Your lucky that he is up for the conversation.

    Good luck finding your path.
    Mama to twin boys Oliver Graham and Luke Axel

  3. #5
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    675
    I met my husband when we were both nineteen. We had been friends for several months before we started dating. So I already knew he was a great guy. I knew all of his friends, some of whom had been friends with him since age four. That said, we fell in love (to the point of saying "I love you") within a month. He says it was quicker than that, but it took a month for him to work up the courage to say it.

    I knew that I wanted to marry him (eventually) by the time we had been dating for six months. I wasn't that mature or smart at age nineteen, so I am still dumbfounded that I was savvy enough or just lucky enough to know a good thing when I saw one. We dated long distance (we went to different colleges) for about three years. Then he asked me to marry him, I said yes yes of course, and we got married about six months later, at age 22.

    I had dated lots of, well, not such nice guys prior to meeting my husband. So my friends and family were thrilled. One of my aunts told me that he was "a good path." When we got married, my family's reaction was, "Finally!"

    But I was his first girlfriend, and his friends were understandably more cautious and protective of him. They wanted to make sure that I was serious and not just fooling around. When we announced our engagement, his family was like, "Whoa, so soon? Slow down! You are too young! Are you pregnant? Why are you doing this?"

    We have been married for twelve years now, and we are still crazy in love and I still can't believe how lucky I am. I don't think that there is a proper amount of time to date or fall in love, or wait to get engaged or wait to get married. We have friends who went very slowly, dated a long time, waited to say I love you, lived together for years- and then got divorced. I do think that it's smart to not be blinded by love (or lust) and to listen to the opinions of those close to you. They often see things that you don't see. It's smart to enter into marriage with both eyes open. Its smart to talk about things like kids, finances, goals, etc. I really do think that you need more than love for a good marriage. It's a really good idea to seek pre-marital counseling if you decide to get married.

    On names- my husband has steadfastly refused to think about names until there is a baby on the way. He just isn't into names.

  4. #7
    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    Posts
    1,172
    Oh I think falling in love can be fast! When we were dating I think my husband told me he loved me about a month in.

    I strongly feel any couple should date for at least one FULL calendar year before making a commitment like getting engaged. Some people change drastically with the seasons, myself I am almost a different person comparing Summer to Winter. You want to get to know your partner entirely before committing. I would strongly suggest another year of being engaged. I know it feels like a long time, but it is a stressful process to plan a wedding and it is a big commitment and a big expense. You need time to plan, to save, and savour that period of being fiancees! You hopefully only get engaged once! You will not regret taking the time to know each other. 2 years is really not a long time.

    If you're in a rush, ask yourself really WHY. Are you conservatively religious & don't want to have sex before marriage? Do you have strict families that would be upset with you living together before marriage? Are you afraid your feelings for each other might change? Are all your mutual friends getting engaged and/or married? Do you really want to BE married, or are you just excited to have a wedding?

    If the rush is sex, then just HAVE SEX. If you want to live together, live together. If your families love you, they will forgive you even if they disagree with your decisions. It would be a much bigger mistake to rush into a marriage or engagement.


    As for myself,
    My husband and I got engaged about a year and a half after we started dating. And we got married about a year after that. I was his first "serious" girlfriend and though I dated a few guys before him I had only had 1 long term boyfriend before we dated.
    Haha as for baby names, it would randomly come up as we were dating. I think I probably brought it up super early cause we watched through Battlestar Galactica together when we were still just friends, and there are tons of cool names in that show.
    Last edited by katieydenberg; September 2nd, 2013 at 05:48 PM.
    New username is @ truenature

  5. #9
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Posts
    2,039
    I met my husband in college too. We dated for 3 years and then broke up our senior year. We were apart for six weeks before getting back together. While we were "in love" pretty early in our relationship, I think it was only after we got back together that I realized this was it. We got engaged the week before graduation and married a year later.

    We talked about names maybe a year in just for fun? Not seriously until after we were married.

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