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  1. #6
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Location
    Des Moines, IA
    Posts
    388
    My mom was also a lifetime smoker, and was diagnosed with leukemia when Weston was barely 18 months old.

    as a child, its so hard to take care of sick parents. We were lucky, there are 3 of us kids, and we have the most amazing Aunt who put her life on hold to take care of our mom, while our Dad worked to pay the bills. So, we were the back up/relief care. We tried to give everyone else breaks as best we could, since we couldn't leave our jobs, etc.

    Here are my big suggestions:
    1. don't forget to live your life. We lost 2 years when Mom got sick. All of us. It took us years to find the time to expand our family. I'm not saying it's wrong, but time escapes you. Your world is so full, that everything flies by. We made a point of celebrating all the birthdays and holidays with full fanfare. And my Mom made a point to go to everything she was able.
    2. Find a good support system. You will need someone to help with Rowan, and more importantly, you will need someone outside of the situation to talk to. Someone who won't judge you because of how angry you are that you're Mom won't try to walk to the bathroom on her own, when you know that she can.
    3. Find some outside help for your mom too. Someone who can look after her, sit with her, etc. She will also need people to vent to. It's important. If she won't call her friends, then you need to do it. Send a letter explaining your mom's disease, and why she is so hesitant to tell those closest to her. If they are good friends, they will come running.
    4. Make use of all the facilities and services that your hospital/cancer unit has to offer.
    5. Take time away. You both will need it.
    6. Rowan will get used to the hospital, etc. My 5 year old has known how to gown up, put on a face mask and sanitize his hands for over 3 years. He's a pro. Rowan will be too. She'll understand that she needs to be quiet. She'll really understand that her grandma is sick. And she will do everything she can to make everyone feel better. Don't forget that she's a toddler and needs to run and be free. We'd bring my son along, and then rotate which adult would take him for walks. He was a great stress reliever for everyone there, including other patients. We packed a lunchbox of toys, and art supplies and snacks.

    There's so much else, but this is the most important for your sanity. Oh! and if you are religious, or need someone religious, see if you or your husband's work uses a ministry program as one of the benefits. They can send chaplains all over. And I've found them comforting, without being too over-religious.

    If you need anything, let me know.
    My mom got better. she had a stem-cell transplant and recovered. Her cancer came back, she had radiation. She's doing great now. And even though there's still the medications and leftover emotional issues, she's still here.
    good luck!
    Mom to:
    Weston Christopher, July 2008
    Keegan Nathaniel,
    Dec. 12, 2013
    Sebastian Miller,
    Dec. 12, 2013

    Current loves:
    ~ Emerson ~ Eden ~ Rosalind ~ Caroline ~ Matilda ~ Gemma ~

    ~ Landon ~ Kellan ~ Asher ~ Griffin ~ Archer ~ Edison ~ Holden ~ Harrison ~ Elliot ~

  2. #8
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Posts
    3,962
    I'm sorry you are going through this. I am also the child of people with addiction problems, which is the disease that caused your mom's disease really. I suggest that you try al anon and deal with the disease of co-dependance if that is something that you feel troubles you.

  3. #10
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    St. Albert, Alberta, Canada
    Posts
    152
    I'm really sorry to read this is happening to you. I can't offer much better advice than you've already been given but I can say you are entitled to be angry and frustrated and I would be very bitter if I were you. I get leaned on quite a bit in my own family dynamic and while I can't relate to this situation, in particular, I really sympathize. I would focus on making decisions with a mind to asking, "If this all goes to the worst possible scenario - what will I regret?" Sorry I can't be more helpful but know that you are entirely entitled to feel as you do.

  4. #12
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    1,803
    I'm so sorry my parents went through a similar situation not the same my nana died of a stroke when I was two and my sister was a month old. I can only imagine how hard it would be for you having to go through this. Can't offer much advise though.
    〜Ebs〜
    Isobel*Eloise*Matilda*Alice*Eleanor*Amelia*Elena* Mirabel* Felicity* Phoebe*Tallaulah*Eilidh*Rosalia*Roisin*Azalea*Elsa *
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  5. #14
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Posts
    1,186
    Quote Originally Posted by kkrvf View Post
    I'm really sorry to read this is happening to you. I can't offer much better advice than you've already been given but I can say you are entitled to be angry and frustrated and I would be very bitter if I were you. I get leaned on quite a bit in my own family dynamic and while I can't relate to this situation, in particular, I really sympathize. I would focus on making decisions with a mind to asking, "If this all goes to the worst possible scenario - what will I regret?" Sorry I can't be more helpful but know that you are entirely entitled to feel as you do.

    This is where my mind is going too. You are entitled to feel just as you do right now and you have a complex range of emotions going on. Each person involved does and they aren't all going to be the same. Hopefully things will shake out and become a little easier and more clear as the "newness" settles.

    As women, we juggle so many things all the time. It tough for sure. I can't say that you will for sure be able to be there for everyone all the time, but do know that you will adjust and you can and will find ways to keep moving forward in your own life and plans. I wouldn't put TTC on hold solely for this reason. You need to keep your own family goals in mind that you and DH have set. You may decide you need to postpone it a little bit, but it could be a good opportunity for you and DH to discuss this in context of your lives, your mom's care, and the future in general. Maybe you choose to TTC anyway and it will be a positive focus that helps everyone through your mom's care and recovery? I'm just brainstorming and I have no real ideas on how exactly it will all work out -every situation is so very different. My main point here is don't jump to any conclusions yet- you are still dealing with your mom's diagnosis. You are angry at her, at your new responsibilities, at the prospect of losing her sooner than you wanted,and various other things right now. <hugs> It will get better. I know you'll figure things out. Be proud that you are "the calm one" and the strong one that is compassionate towards your family when they need you.
    Wife to one great guy
    Mama to six pretty ladies: Scarlett (12), Penelope (9), Alice (3), Fiona (3), Lucille (15 mo.) & Coraline (15 mo.)

    & 4 angels gone before us: Christian (7 wks), Amos (6 wks), Naomi (16.5 wks), & Hosanna (6 wks)

    ~We fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.~

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