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  1. #1
    Join Date
    May 2013
    Posts
    188

    To Find Out the Sex or Not?

    Okay, moms or expecting ones...give me the best reasons to find out or not find out.

    Here's our situation: 18 wks now, will have the ~20 wk ultrasound either this week or next. Our first kid. I always imagined NOT finding out, and I also thought we may not get an ultrasound unless it was really necessary. If we were living in the US we very well may not be getting one.

    HOWEVER, we are currently living in another country, where ultrasounds are so cheap, about $10 USD. The doctors I am seeing here really want us to get it, and were rather surprised when we decided not to do the earlier ultrasound (~7-12 wks). Yes, it is still in my rights to choose not to do it, but after having done various research, I don't think I feel strongly about it enough to refuse. And, it would be really cool to hear the heartbeat and see the baby. Also, we are hoping to have a natural birth at a freestanding birth center with a midwife, so I feel like having an ultrasound to confirm that everything is fine would be helpful for everyone feeling comfortable and safe with that option.

    ALSO, we are planning to return home for the birth for a few months, before returning to the country we live in. Which means various traveling before and after the birth, and lots of things being not as stable as normal around the time many people have their first child...!?

    SO, lately I've been leaning towards finding out. Because
    1) It feels a little silly to have an ultrasound and deliberately NOT find out?
    2) I've felt weird lately referring to the baby as "it", and it seems like it would be nice to refer to him/her as a him/her.
    3) It may help DH and I bond more with the baby if we think of it as a boy or girl? Maybe it will feel more real? We'll be mentally prepared so we won't have any moments of disappointment at the birth if we do have a secret preference that we don't realize?

    4) Specifically a namenerd problems: we're pretty well set on a girl's name, more than a boy's, and I'm not sure if it's because of that that I just keep picturing a girl? I actually find it hard to think too much about our boy options, because the girl's name feels more 'real.' I mean, we don't have a preference, especially as it's our first and we are planning to have more. But I'm a little worried that I will keep picturing a girl who goes by our girl's name, and either be surprised/have a hard time adjusting if it turns out to be a boy, or feel like we can't use our favorite girl's name in the future because it "belongs" to this kid, even though he would have his own name.

    5) I might be able to let go of obsessing about names and combos if we know which it will be.

    BUT, if we find out: will we get tons and tons of unwanted pink or blue clothes? Are we less likely to get the practical stuff on the registry that we want because of all those clothes? Will the birth be anticlimatic because you don't get that "It's a Girl!" or "It's a boy!" moment? Will it be harder to keep his/her name a surprise? (I really don't want to tell everyone the name ahead of the birth, even if we're pretty sure of our choice.)

    So, what did you chose and why? Did you ever regret finding out ahead of time or NOT finding out ahead of time? Did it add more stress or keep things exciting? Would you or did you do it the same the second time around?

  2. #3
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Location
    Maryland
    Posts
    525
    Found out with my first. There was so much I needed to get and needed to choose her name and paint her very girly room! I will find out next time for the same reasons. I plan to have a gender reveal party the second time around instead of a baby shower for close family and friends to announce the gender and name. In the end, I would rather be prepared and I would be happy with either gender, so why keep it a surprise? The anticipation up to the ultrasound is enough for me!
    Proud Mommy to Maeby Alana (8/6/10) and Saela Eliza (6/24/14)

    Marlow Simone - Romy Corinne - Piper - Juna
    Zefram Eli - Miles Thatcher - Ledger - Brinker

  3. #5
    Join Date
    May 2013
    Location
    Munchkinland
    Posts
    1,648
    We chose not to find out. In the US, they usually (always?) do an ultrasound at ~20 weeks, an "anatomy scan" to make sure the baby is developing properly. The purpose is not to find out the gender, that's just an added bonus if you want to know. We wanted to be surprised.

    We wouldn't have painted the nursery pink even if we had known we were having a girl, so it didn't really make it any more difficult for us to prepare. When I told my neighbor we weren't finding out, she said she wished she had waited with her first child at least, because since everyone knew she was having a girl she only got adorable pink clothes at her baby shower and none of the stuff a new mom really needs.

    It is awkward to call the baby "it". I always said "the baby" to avoid saying "it". We also had a prenatal nickname for our baby, Baby Bean, so we called her that, too.

    I don't think knowing the gender of our baby would have made it any more real. Hearing the heartbeat, seeing the ultrasound, feeling the baby move is all pretty real! Not knowing definitely didn't affect our ability to bond with the baby. My husband definitely wanted a son, but there wasn't even a little bit if disappointment in him when he saw his daughter for the first time when she was born. I'm getting teary just thinking about it! It's your baby, you'll love it no matter what.

    All that being said, find out if you want to! I think we will next time so we can have a gender reveal party. Knowing is not going to make the birth anticlimactic. NOTHING can make THAT anticlimactic! LOL!

    It may be harder to keep the name a secret, I can't say for sure since, but I imagine if you're using it yourselves you could easily slip up and say it in front of others. We had a girl name and a boy name picked out, and we'll still use the boy name if/when we have a boy. It doesn't belong to our daughter, she has her own name.

  4. #7
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Posts
    491
    I didn't find out the sex of my baby until her birth. I have no regrets and loved doing it, would do so again. Her dad was unsure about finding out at the anatomy scan, so left it up to me, but later on in my pregnancy he was regretting that and wanted to know.

    1) It feels a little silly to have an ultrasound and deliberately NOT find out? - I don't think so! The ultrasound's purpose isn't to tell you the gender, it's to check to be sure the baby is developing properly and there are no problems.
    2) I've felt weird lately referring to the baby as "it", and it seems like it would be nice to refer to him/her as a him/her. - I often referred to my daughter as both "him" and "her" while she was unborn. Sometimes I said him, something I said her. I said "the baby" a lot. You could always say "they/them".
    3) It may help DH and I bond more with the baby if we think of it as a boy or girl? Maybe it will feel more real? We'll be mentally prepared so we won't have any moments of disappointment at the birth if we do have a secret preference that we don't realize? For me, not finding out didn't make it less real. I knew I didn't have a preference, though...if I really wanted one or the other I might want to find out so I could "prepare"

    As far as the name concerns...I didn't really have those, so I don't know. I guess if I knew it would be easier, since I'd have more time/focus on one set of names. I was a little nervous that IF I had a boy, I'd regret not using my number 1 choice, since SO didn't agree with it, but I'd have those feelings even if I knew the sex. I didn't tell anyone the names we had chosen (two of them) before the birth, and people gave me a really hard time about that.

    I got lots of nice gender neutral gifts, which were great, and when she was born tons of people brought us the frilliest pinkest things you can imagine. I think I'd have been more annoyed/stressed if I had all girly things from the start.

    I don't feel waiting to find out added any stress at all to my pregnancy, I think it was more exciting, a fun surprise, etc.
    Lillian Elizabeth 6.16.13

  5. #9
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Posts
    2,043
    I found out.

    Your second reason was big for me, I liked being able to fill in that pronoun. I also think it made things a little more real for DH. Birth will never be anticlimactic! There are so many other things you're finding out...finally seeing his or her face, who does she look like? What color hair? What is this new little person like? I didn't feel a bit cheated getting the boy or girl news early.

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