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Thread: Someone help me please
July 6th, 2013 01:10 PM #16Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jan 2013
I think you have been offered a lot of good advice here. I think that seeing a therapist, both on your own and with your husband, is a great starting place to address the issues you've identified. Women in our society are pushed to have kids. For those of us who want kids, it is a god-send. For those who don't, it isn't.
I have two kids - I had many miscarriages - and I knew I always wanted kids. I have a few friends who had kids because their husbands wanted them, or because the clock was ticking and they were scared if they didn't, that they might regret it later. Two are great moms. The other has a really hard time. A neighbor has several times told me she never wanted kids, regrets having them and resents her "brats". This was said in front of them. It is not surprising that when she and her husband divorced, he appears to have taken primary custody of their child and her other child has moved in with his father.
Another neighbor has full custody of his son, and the mother visits every so often. I have never asked about the situation, but she's very enthusiastic about his parenting skills and their son is happy.
Think about it very carefully. My husband recently admitted in therapy that he never wanted kids. I told him up front - when we were dating, when marriage was being discussed - that I wanted kids, and if he didn't, we needed to go our separate ways ASAP. He lied to me and told me that he wanted three kids. He's not going to ever get a father of the year award. He tries when he feels like it or is pressed to. He takes his own vacations - as in, he flies to Europe and our children and I are not invited to join him. I take the kids on vacations, and frequently do things with them at home while he does his own thing. Since he has very little of a relationship with our children now, I don't see them bothering with him on his death bed. I think if we were to divorce now, he would pay whatever court ordered support was required, not a penny more, and never see, call or email our children.
I'm going to throw another one your way to think about. My sister's colleague didn't want kids, but her husband did. Their compromise was to adopt a child. They adopted a newborn. Four months later, she told her husband that she wanted him to call the adoption agency and have them come take the baby back. He was appalled and refused, telling her that there was no way he was giving up their son. They divorced not long after, with him receiving full custody of the baby and child support from her. It is my understanding that she told the court she did not want visitation rights of any kind.
My mother didn't want kids, had them because it was expected of her. She was, and continues to be, unhealthily obsessed with her weight. She made life a living hell for us when she was around, and we were all delighted with the positive ,change in our home when she left when I was 10. There were a lot of negatives - we lived on the very edge of poverty, our dad was not well balanced mentally at times, but the whole vibe of the house changed from tense and negative to relaxed and positive. My mother was a bully when she was around, and we didn't go out of our way to see her, nor did she seek visitation rights. She and her husband, who may not have wanted the kids he had from a previous marriage, have spent over 30 years not being parents. They want their wine, their travel, their art - they have all those. They see us when and if it is convenient to them.
Think very carefully about this, and seek assistance with the issues you identified. Once that baby is born, you either have to step up to the plate or step aside. Remaining and being resentful of your child is something they pick up on.
July 6th, 2013 01:30 PM #18Senior Member
- Join Date
- May 2013
Hey there. I think it's great that you're trying to look at things honestly. Having a kid is a tough decision! If deep down, you don't want one, you shouldn't have one. No matter what, you do not owe anyone a child. If it's really just your own fears getting in the way, don't worry too much. Being thirty-seven, these fears have been with you for a long time. But I don't think there's anything you can't handle if you really want it. So, if you really want a child, you will make it work. You'll get past your fears and you and your husband will make it work. You're a champ! I know you can make the best decision for you =)
July 6th, 2013 01:36 PM #20Senior Member
- Join Date
- Nov 2010
- British Columbia
You could always adopt! That allows you to have a child and a larger family, but cuts out the possibility of "ruining" your body. And it also helps a disadvantaged child. And many people say that the maternal instinct kicks in once you have your child. And if you loved the students when you were a teacher, you could always adopt an older child to pass up on the baby stages (which can come with a lot of bad behaviour).~Adelaide ~ Juniper ~ Josephine ~ Dorothy ~ Eleanora ~ Rosalind ~ Magnolia~
~Julian ~ Augustus ~ Edward ~ Frederick ~Everett ~ Nathaniel ~ Theodore~
July 7th, 2013 06:50 PM #22Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2009
Please please please seek out a professional therapist. This is some serious stuff, and deserves more professional consideration than any of us can give you here on the Forum. As a result of the abuse you suffered earlier in life, you are having some very understandable feelings of confusion, revulsion, fear, etc. This is not unusual, given your past.
Whether or not you ultimately choose to have children, it could benefit you so much to speak to someone about your issues in order to arrive at more peace and ultimately gain the ability to experience more satisfaction and happiness in your life.
I personally believe that your ambivalence about having children is more a symptom of this underlying past abuse, rather than being the main issue itself. However, that being said, having children is an individual and personal decision. There is no right answer for everyone. If you are able to go to therapy, it should help you sort through whether your fear of having children is a direct result of your abuse (and so your mind could change, once the abuse issues were resolved), or whether it's just because having children is not for you.
I wish you the best of luck in your journey. Remember: just because things happened in a certain way in the past, it does not mean that past is doomed to be repeated! Seriously, I know this from personal experience .