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June 30th, 2013 11:55 PM #21Senior Member
- Join Date
- Feb 2012
I just wanted to say that I am so sorry that you find yourself in this position, it must be incredibly difficult. I think it is wise to start looking at all of your options as soon as you can so you can make an informed choice. If you read my prior post you know I think that babies are best off with their bio moms, I hope that did not offend you, but I believe you love this little one like no one else can. That said if you really feel that you are unable to care for he/she there are many people who cannot have children who would feel blessed beyond belief to raise your baby.
I think it is important that you look at the reasons why you are thinking you might have to place her. I assume finances have a lot to do with it. Have you looked into what resources are available to you? I assume you are American, so what your state offers in terms of financial support? Subsidised housing, food stamps, WIC, etc. (I am not American so I am just going off what I have read.) As well are you in school or planning to go? Student loans can help with a lot of costs, both government and private loans, even with housing and food. There are also many churches and charities that help with necessities. It may even be wise to meet with an adoption agency or pregnancy councillor, they would be familiar with what options you would have should you decide to keep the baby.
In terms of your boyfriend, I am sorry that he struggles. Honestly though, and I am sorry to be blunt, but I think if you decide to chose him over your child you will probably regret it for the rest of your life. A partner can be a wonderful thing but your children are a piece of you. I love my husband dearly but if it ever came down to him or my children he would lose without question.
When you are young everything seems overwhelming. I was never a young mom, but I was a young student who barely had a enough money for food at one time and I remember how daunting everything seemed. How to go into the world and make your way. Getting an education, getting a job, buying a house etc. And now at 31 those all seem a distant memory. Generally if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other and trying to make your situation better you do eventually get there. My point being is that in few years all of these struggles may seem a distant memory. It is important to make sure that you really feel you cannot care for this child at all so that in a few years when if your life is much more stable you aren't sitting there going, I could have fed one more child and wishing you could have her back.
I hope I didn't offend you at all I tried to state everything as gently as I could find the words for and I really do wish you well.
Also I think 1982tapper is probably a troll (look at the spelling/language/grammer, it is also only her second post ironically with a sensitive topic and if you read her first one just look at her children's names) so don't let her comments upset you.Andie - Mama to John, Thomas, Isla & Freya (twins) and expecting #5 in January.
July 1st, 2013 12:09 AM #23Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jul 2012
Just wanted to add something else after reading through the other comments...
I think permanency is important for kids. Staying with the family they're born into is, of course, ideal. If that doesn't work out, then I think uniting with the family who will raise them as early as possible is the best scenario. So I think newborn adoption is a great thing, because it allows the baby to begin building bonds with his/her adoptive family right away (as opposed to spending months or years with one family and then being brought into a new family). Most private adoptions in the U.S. are newborn adoptions. Some are infant adoptions where the birth family decides on adoption a little later. Very rarely are older kids placed for adoption because their families are super bonded to them (and they to their families). I'm pretty sure the few cases I did see where non-infants were being placed were situations where grandparents had gotten custody of their grandkids for one reason or another, realized they wouldn't be able to care for them long-term, and then decided adoption would be in the kids' best interests. If you prefer that your baby receive breast milk rather than formula, you may be able to deliver or ship your pumped breast milk to the adoptive family if you are willing and able to do that, or you can seek an adoptive family who plans to use donor milk. I know tons of adoptive families who use donated breast milk to feed their babies. Plenty of moms use donated milk for their biological kids when their milk supply is insufficient or there are other issues.
And another thing to further clarify my perspective...I was raised by a mom who, at 30, was not really ready to be a mom, and she never got ready. My dad wasn't ready, either. We did fine when my grandfather was alive to look after us, but didn't fare so well after that. We were put into a lot of dangerous situations. My aunt and a few other people offered to adopt us, but my mom would never let that happen. (And the older we were, the harder it would have been emotionally to separate from her, though we would have been safer and healthier in every other way...I know, because a step-aunt "fostered" us briefly and it was so tough to be away from my mom for that time, even though it was a safer, healthier environment.) It was a miracle that my brother and I made it through okay. But I think those early experiences really make me appreciate when expectant parents who realize they aren't going to be able to care for a child choose adoption early on rather than putting the child in dangerous or unhealthy situations or spending months/years building bonds with the child before realizing things aren't going to work out or waiting for the state to step in and remove the child from his/her family.
Also, my dad was adopted by his aunt and uncle, but they passed away when I was very young, so the only grandmother I knew was his birth mother, not the one who had raised him. That situation was a mess. My dad didn't know he was adopted until he was a pre-teen. (Boo, adoptive family.) My grandmother's situation improved years down the road and she tried to woo him away from his adoptive family and buy him expensive gifts and things like that (Boo, birth mom). So that's one of those situations of adoption gone wrong. You can understand why people did what they did, but that doesn't make it a good idea.
July 3rd, 2013 05:04 PM #25Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2011
I am very sorry you are in the situation you are in.
It is my belief that whenever it is possible for a baby to remain with its birth mother, without that baby being put in danger, that is the best situation for all.
Is it possible for you to change your situation? I know it seems overwhelming right now, but can you get a job? Financial aid to support you and the childern while you go to school? As someone else suggested look into what options are out there for assistance. It seems impossible now, but if you can qualify for student loads, and financial living assitance, in 2-4 years you could have a diploma/degree and be able to get a good career in which you could support your childern and wouldnt have to rely on anyone. You owe it to yourself and your childern.
Do you have anyone that can help you? Parents? Grandparents? Siblings? Aunts and Uncles? Even a distant relative or family friend that might be able to take temporary custody until you are in a position to care for both of your childern? Giving up a baby for adoption is so perminant - your situation doesn't need to be perminant, you can change it.
And this is going to be harsh, but it has to be said - when having to choose between your baby and your boyfriend - choose your baby. You will 100% regret it if you dont. I know you cant see yourself without him now, but you will be fine - and probably better off without him. Leave your boyfriend, apply for sole custody of your childern, and move on with your life. The next few years will be hard, but eventually things will get better, and you can make your life, and your childerns life, whatever you want it to be.
Now, if you cannot change your situation, if you yourself struggle with addiction, if you can find no support of any kind anywhere, if you are going to choose your boyfriend over your baby, if your baby is going to be neglected and in danger, then yes, put your baby up for adoption and give him/her the best opportunity for a better life.
Just know, that while most couples that qualify for adoption can offer your baby the things you cant, you have no gaurantee over the life they will grow up to live, they might not go to a great family but might instead end up in a group home of some kind, even if they do go to a good family, that families sitation could change and those parents could lose jobs, get divorced, struggle with addicions of thier own, ect. So do your research, and make the best choice you can. The open vs. closed adoption is a very personal choice and only you can decide that.
Getting your life in order, removing negative people from it, and moving forward is the only way to gaurantee a good life for your childern.
I know this has been blunt, and I really do appologize if I offnded you, I just had an emotional reaction to your posts and I had to reply. I really do wish you, and both your childern all the best.