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June 28th, 2013 12:50 AM #11Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jan 2013
I am someone who is quite interested in adoption myself. I think adoption is often a great solution. People assume the alternative is the birth parents raise the child. I knew a kid who was in a state run institution (for reasons I am unsure). It was one of the saddest situation I have ever seen. Some adoptions go badly, but so do some birth families. Neither has monopoly on abuse and neglect. I have seen horrific situations where no one was adopted. I think adoption can be good or bad as are birth families good or bad.
That being said I think it would be better to focus on adoption later. Right now you are having a baby, I would focus on that baby and really think about adoption when that child gets a little older.
June 29th, 2013 01:53 PM #13Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jul 2012
Thanks for all thoughtful comments guys.
We already have a daughter who will be 1 later this year, and we live with my boyfriend's parents. So the situation isn't perfect, plus we have a lot of other problems as well, and we're both very young. I just don't know if I can handle another child, and it's really a situation where I have to chose between my boyfriend and a baby I might not be able to take care of (long story).
We have a couple of months left to figure things out, so we will of course have to discuss this some more..Mikayla
mom to Parker Hermione
due December 11 with #2
Nova Felicity OR Mason Phoenix
June 29th, 2013 02:26 PM #15Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2009
- Midwest, US
Just because a woman CAN get pregnant doesn't mean the birth family should necessarily be the one raising a child, especially if there is family strife or if the mother is particularly young and her family can't help support a baby. I find adoption to be a very selfless act of love for the child (of course, if it's the mother's own choice to give it up). I can't even imagine how difficult of a decision it is, but in all the cases of adoption that I am aware of personally, the child is in a much better family situation with the adopters.
Also, ART is very medically invasive. It has the potential for side-effects for both mom and baby. Not to mention the emotional toll that ART takes on a family. It's most definitely NOT the answer for everyone. If I was unable to get pregnant naturally, I'm not so sure I'd be willing to subject myself to those procedures. It's not just go down to the bank and get pregnant. It's a long drawn out process of tests, hormone treatments, painful retrievals, embryo transfers... all with a total success rate of 29-38% (in 2010, depending on the stat you look at). There are also several mainstream churches (particularly the Catholic Church), that frown on ART. Many couples have a conflict of faith and morals when choosing that route.
I don't mean this reply as an attack on you. I know you were trying to be as gentle as possible with your opinion, but I just had to disagree.Mom to Sylvia Caron (May '09) and Linus Roman (born 08.21.13)Other favorites:
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June 30th, 2013 03:01 AM #17
I think there are pros and cons to adoption. I think it's tough on the bio mother to give up a child, and very tough on the baby who is used to the scent and heartbeat of its mother to be given to different parents. Biologically it is also best for babies to be breastfed (this is not meant as an attack on formula feeding parents) which of course is rare when adoption takes place. I know that in the US some organisations are against white parents adopting black babies; not only because of the sordid history of interracial adoption but also because such parents are usually poorly equipped to deal with bringing up a child in a society in which racism is still prevalent.
On the other hand, adoptive parents are often able to offer a much better quality of life than the child would otherwise have had. Being raised in foster homes, an abusive home or an orphanage (in the case on international adoption) sounds pretty cruddy. In general I am in favour of adoption, but I do think parents need to go into it with their eyes open. It's certainly not without challenges.
Personally if I was giving up a child I'd want an open adoption with atheist parents who had a sense of social justice, similar criteria to a previous poster. If I was adopting I'd be happy with an open adoption but not regular visits, mostly just photos/letters etc.Mother to miss Mila Arden and her brand new brother, Cato Bennett
June 30th, 2013 03:36 AM #19
Clearly, it's very dependent on the situation. From what you've said about yours, adoption doesn't sound like a bad choice; because of my own experiences and personality, I would do an open adoption, especially since it sounds like you would keep the baby if you could.
One of my best friends was adopted from China. It was a necessarily closed adoption; she was found abandoned on a street. She clashes somewhat with her adoptive family (personality differences), and has struggled with not knowing her biological parents and having no hope of finding them, but all in all it has been a great situation for her.
I had another friend who was adopted by a distant family member because her mother was not a good parent (drugs, neglect). She also had problems with her situation, but all in all she turned out great and there were no issues.
In my experience, emotional confusion is inevitable. We put a lot of stock in families, and when you feel removed from yours, it's not going to be easy. An open adoption would work better for me because at least then I would know. I hate being left wondering. However, I completely understand that sometimes a closed adoption is the best choice for one or both sides.
For 'family qualifications,' I really don't care about religious affiliation. I was raised Catholic, and while I no longer participate or believe I have no opposition to religion in general. It helps some people, makes their lives better, and while I don't personally need it, I can understand it. So I wouldn't be bothered by religion, as long as it was an accepting group. Politically I'd want a similar family to mine, libertarian/conservative, if only for the sake of being able to get along with them. I can't think of anything that would matter aside from the obvious 'healthy and stable' thing.
Last edited by celianne; June 30th, 2013 at 03:41 AM.I’m just trying to behave as I think a friend should behave. Granted, I haven’t had much practice.
~Elphaba Thropp, Wicked, by Gregory Maguire