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June 13th, 2013 02:05 PM #16Senior Member
- Join Date
- Oct 2009
My mom and father were divorced when I was a baby. I was born with my father last name, but when my mom married my step dad she took his name and our last names have been different ever since. It was never a problem. We traveled a lot and did a lot, and it was neve a burden on anyone. I have no relationship with my father and don't plan on ever having much of one. But I sort of like having that lat name because it is a link to my heritage. As I got older, my step dad adopted me and I had trouble deciding whih last name I wanted. I often used both, even though legally it was only my biological fathers. When I got married I put both last names on the invitation. I feel a connection to both. Heritage wise I feel connected to my fathers last name, while emotionally I am very attached to my step dads. Now that I'm married I have my husbands last name and its no problem. I guess I would hiphenate your name and his fathers in your situation. That way he will always have both to cherisg. If he feels strongly later that he doesn't want his fathers name then he can always change it.
June 13th, 2013 02:12 PM #18
The only issues that my mom and I have had is her sometimes being called "Mrs. Mydadslastname" by my teachers, and occasionally having to specifically name her as my mother when I put her as a contact when filling in forms and such. Mind you, I've never travelled out of the country with her only, so I haven't experienced the problems that are bound to manifest themselves in that situation. And I've never felt that she's isolated from the rest of my family or any less of a mother; that has never even occurred to me.~Izzy, looking for a new nickname
Currently Loving: Romilly, Esme, Piper, Helia, Scout..Rhett, Colin, Rhys, Adrian, Jonah
June 13th, 2013 02:32 PM #20
Non-marital childbearing accounts for over 40% of the children born in the US, and a higher proportion in other Western countries. And of course many married women do not change their names and pass on a variety of surnames (hyphenated, father's only, invented) to their children.
In short this is a complete non-problem. Even twenty years ago that wasn't the case, but now no one blinks an eye at airports, appointments, school enrollments, anything official.
My son has his father's surname, I have mine. There has never been an issue.Blade, MD
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June 13th, 2013 03:06 PM #22Senior Member
- Join Date
- Apr 2013
Especially these days, I think it's unlikely to be a problem. I am not giving my child my surname, he or she will have have their father's. It's easier to pronounce and spell, and he has a large family that shares his last name, while I have only one brother with my surname...and if I ever do marry, I'd like to change my name.
I do plan on needing to bring a copy of the birth certificate if I travel internationally alone with my child. But otherwise, I don't think for school, doctors, etc. it will ever be an issue. I know friends who kept their surname or are unmarried while the child has dad's LN, and they said the biggest inconvenience is the child's peers calling them "Mrs. Incorrect Surname".
ETA: I think it can be a bit more of an issue if you're in a mixed-race family, unfortunately. I think if our child comes out looking like me, Dad would have more trouble with a different surname than I will if our child looks like him. (I'm white, he's a darker-skinned hispanic).
Last edited by leadmythoughts; June 13th, 2013 at 03:12 PM.Lillian Elizabeth 6.16.13
June 13th, 2013 05:23 PM #24
This is always so interesting to me, and I can't speak from experience because I changed my name (my maiden name is super common and boring, hubby's is obscure and interesting, therefore his won!).
I know a family that does it in a way that I think is awesome. The first child got the father's last name as a first name, and all children have the mother's last name. It depends entirely on the names you're dealing with, but that's a really cool option in my opinion.
I also don't see any reason why the father's surname couldn't go in the middle spot instead, and the kid gets the mother's surname. It requires a progressive couple, and I imagine a majority of western men would be resistant to the idea, but it's still an option.
I know these are not options for you, I throw them out for future readers referencing this thread.
For your particular case, you said you were looking for good arguments to add your last name? You don't need a good argument. You want your last name in there, and that's all the argument you should need. This is a matter of respecting wishes as partners or co-parents (whatever the case may be). If you intend to always have your current surname, I see absolutely no fault in wanting to share your surname with your child by hyphenating or otherwise.
That said, I am also in the camp of 'hyphenating is unsustainable.' I would never, ever fault others for choosing that path, I just can see why it doesn't end up working very well in the long run. Two hyphenated kids get married, then what? Four hyphenated names? What if one of them wants to take the other's last name, they take a hyphenated name and pass it on to their children? It just seems unpleasantly complicated for the descendants of the original hyphenaters. Not that I have some sort of progressive, everyone-wins solution, mind you. Girls take mom's name, boys take dads, maybe??
Last edited by yellow; June 13th, 2013 at 05:28 PM.