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  1. #111
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Posts
    21
    Amandarae--Rest assured, grieving is a very individual process. I cried a lot the first week after my miscarriage in February, but I still say that was mostly hormones. I'm not an overly emotional person, so while I was certainly grieving, the crying was not so much a result of that as it was my hormones crashing. I was ready to think about trying again very quickly, while some women need a few months (or more) to regroup. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, so don't let anyone make you feel guilty. Being ready for another pregnancy (or adoption) does not mean you're not grieving the loss or that you're trying to replace the baby you lost. So not wanting to give up your plans/dreams of adoption is absolutely ok.

    Remember, you're surrounded by a whole host of women who have had similar experiences, so don't be afraid to ask. Just remember, everyone's response will be different.

    I'm very sorry for your loss, and will keep you in my prayers as you heal and pirsue your future plans.

    LARK

  2. #113
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Posts
    968
    Amandarae, so sorry for your loss! I'm not really part of this board, but I like to keep up with all the ladies from the TTC board, and your story really resonated with me. It's terrible that your sister made you feel bad for continuing with your plans. I had an ectopic pregnancy back in August that I had to terminate with a methotrexate shot. It was absolutely heartbreaking, and I cried for a week. But the loss of that pregnancy wasn't the only thing I was grieving. It was the major part of it, to be sure. But another big part of my grief was knowing that it would be 2-3 months or more before I could start trying to get pregnant again. We had already been trying for close to two years, and the extra wait was just kinda like adding insult to injury. I was the type that wanted to start trying again right away (and we did get pregnant a couple months later when I finally stopped bleeding). I hadn't told anyone I was pregnant, and I only told a couple close friends about the ectopic, so I didn't have to deal with any judgements on my plans. For me, getting pregnant again didn't mean I was replacing my lost pregnancy, just that I was having a sibling to that lost baby. Everything the other ladies said is true. Grief is a personal process, and no one can tell you how you should cope with it. Again, I'm so sorry for what you're going through, and you'll be in my prayers as you move forward from this.
    Wife to Jordan.
    Mommy to Everett Callan, born 2010 and Callie Sage Eilonwy, born 2013
    and 2 fur babies: a male standard poodle named Shasta, and a female Australian shepherd named Scout.

    If you have any questions about PCOS, infertility, ectopic pregnancy, or Cystic Fibrosis testing, please feel free to message me

  3. #115
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Location
    Currently on the west side of the U.S.
    Posts
    417
    Everyone is different and there is no "right way" to grieve any loss. I'm apparently different from most of the others here in that I needed over a year to emotionally recuperate from my miscarriage. Before that I just felt like I would have been a complete basket case (not that I'm not now anyway, but worse) and I couldn't fathom the idea of trying again right away even tho my hubby really wanted to. I needed the space and time. I cried hard for about the first month, nearly every day - but I was also on progesterone supplements so maybe that messed up my hormones more than usual? I don't know.

    But like everyone has been saying, everyone has to deal with these things their own way and at their own pace - and it's your sister's (or sister-in-law's, can't remember) issue if she's having a problem with the way you're dealing, not yours. Don't even let it weigh on your mind anymore, she'll have to find her own way to deal. Just keep moving ahead the best way you know how, those who truly love you will come around and support you, even if they need a little while to get there.

    ETA: As soon as I hit "post" I thought of another thing I wanted to say! One thing I had to remind myself after my miscarriage was that it wasn't just our loss. It was also a loss for my parents, my brothers, my hubby's family, etc.. A different kind of loss, yes, but still a loss none-the-less, and one that they each needed to find a way to process as well. My mother came to visit me for a few weeks, with the idea of comforting me, and it actually ended up being a total nightmare because the way she grieved didn't fit with the way I was grieving and we just ended up fighting a lot. Once my hormones settled back down, I was able to breathe and understand fully what was going on. So even though it's absolutely the biggest (hardest? I don't know which word to use) loss to mom and dad, I think it's also important to remember every one involved is also hurting and trying to find their own way to get over it - even if those ways turn out to be not so great or helpful. I hope that makes sense!
    Last edited by cvdutch31; June 28th, 2013 at 12:06 AM.
    Christine

    Pregnancy #1: lost to mc, 10/11

    Amelia Joelle arrived on 11/28/13 at 7 pounds, 4 ounces of pure beauty. Couldn't be happier to finally be mommy!

  4. #117
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    11
    Thank you all for the responses. SIL did apologize and we had a talk. She and I aren't really that close but she's very close with her brother (DH) and I had no idea how she felt. She wants to see us have another baby as much as we want one and in my little fit of anger/irritation I didn't see that.

    And all of the thoughts/prayers are greatly appreciated! We're hoping and praying that somehow we'll be led in the right direction.
    my babies:
    olivia li mei (china - born 08, adopted 09)
    henry alexander eoin (usa - born july 22 2013, joined our family a day later!)
    ♥ forever missing our little baby fox ♥

  5. #119
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    25
    @amandarae so sorry for your loss, I'm glad to see everything worked out with your SIL. That is a hard situation all around.

    When do people normally start telling their immediate family (mom, MIL, siblings, etc)? I know it is different for everyone, but I was curious what you guys have done. I wanted to wait to see my doctor a couple of times, but my first appointment is such a LONG way away and I'm dying to tell someone for a little moral support!

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