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Thread: Help With Timeline!
May 30th, 2013 11:27 AM #6Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jan 2011
First of all, you are not obligated to travel. Traveling doesn't make a person morally superior or anything. It is just something that people enjoy and sometimes feel enriched by.
I agree w. you that if children are able to feel warm, well loved, and well fed, they don't need lots of money. Raising kids in apartments is just fine. Poverty (not that you are really poor, but even actual poverty) doesn't make people bad parents. The thing that it does do is to put a lot of stress on the parents. Babies magnify problems. So if things were tight before and then you have a kid and now things are tighter and you are getting less sleep and you are more stressed out, you are far more likely to argue about money.
It doesn't matter if you have loads of disposable income, as long as you and your husband agree about what you financial goals are and what your finances will be post-babies, it's fine. It is totally possible to live well on less money. We do this. But you need to agree about what that amount of money is and what you are both comfortable with.
When you sit down and have this talk tonight, maybe work out a post-baby budget. There are helpful baby expenses calculators online, I think there is one at BabyCenter. Be realistic. Don't assume that you will suddenly be happy living on dried beans and love, calculate in for the nights that you are both exhausted and end up ordering pizza, too. If you are in the US, include cost of health insurance for maternity coverage and for the baby once he arrives as well.
I get that you are worried about being impatient during the wait. The early twenties are a rough time. You are trying to figure out the direction of your whole life! Just don't make decisions out of fear, or based on what you think you ought to be doing.
May 30th, 2013 11:51 AM #8
I can't help much with timelines. I would have had children younger, but didn't meet the right guy until I was 28, so there was no real option for me to be a 'young mom'. Bear in mind though that timelines change. You may say now that you're okay waiting 5 years, and then find in 2 years that you don't want to wait any more OR you may set a date, get there, and realize you're not ready. That's okay. I think it's good thing that you already realize that it may take time to get pregnant. It's great if it doesn't, but you should never expect that the kids will come right when you're ready, and it's good that you're factoring that into your plans.
I TOTALLY get you on wanting to travel though. I was born with Wanderlust, and have a restless desire to explore and see the world. Some people think that's frivolous or wasteful, but it's just personality. When I was in my 20s, I had second-hand furniture and no car, but I prioritized traveling and I'm glad for it. The thing is, you don't need loads of money to travel, and contrary to popular opinion, you can totally travel with kids. You just need to be wiser about it. A Canadian friend of mine has two young children (2.5 and 7 months). They were living in Scotland for the past two years, and took the kiddos on trips all over Europe. They rented apartments rather than staying in hotels, they took snacks with them instead of doing restaurants, and they made it work.
If you want to to satisfy your travel bug soonish before having kids, collect air miles, watch for airline seat sales, and consider staying in cheaper hotels or even traveling overnight (I used to do this all the time, but now that I'm in my 30s I find it exhausting!), eating at markets or buying supermarket food rather than spending all your meals in restaurants. My dad and his wife keep a jar for their change and small bills, which they use towards their next vacation. I would suggest you prioritize your top travel destinations. You may have a huge list of where you want to go, but which ones would you really be sorry to miss out on, and try to hit those within the next couple of years.
Also, I know you want to travel now, but it's worth remembering that you're young and you hopefully have a long life ahead. Having kids doesn't mean you will never travel again. My mom is in her 60s and probably healthier than most 30-year-olds that I know. Since I've been out of the house, she's gone to Italy, Germany, France, Ireland, Scotland, Norway, Finland (I came along for that one), hiking in Northern Carolina, etc. My grandmother took her first trip to England when she was 80 after my grandpa passed away. She said it would probably be her first and last, but then she returned a few years later and took another vacation to Ireland.
Sorry, I kind of wrote a novel here! Can you tell I love to travel? :-PMiriam ~ Helena ~ Estella ~ Beatrice ~ Anastasia ~ Veronica ~ Sarah ~ EstherPaul ~ Wesley ~ Walter ~ Edmund ~ Isaac ~ Abram ~ Gabriel
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(Still) trying for baby#1
Avatar: Nathan Altman, Portrait of Anna Akhmatova
May 30th, 2013 11:58 AM #10
I am currently 34 and having my first baby so I wanted to chime in. I absolutely made the right decision by waiting until this time in my life and I don't have a single regret. I was able to spend a good deal of time traveling through Europe and the U.S. and I learned more - about the world and myself - than I could have ever imagined. Those experiences will, without a doubt, serve to make me a better parent! Is my energy what it was when I was 24? Of course not - but 34 isn't 84, I'm hardly old and unable to keep up with little ones. I feel that people only get better with age, you become wiser, more patient, more understanding, more a lot of things, that only make it easier to direct another person in life.
None of this is to say that you can't be a good parent at a younger age, that's absolutely not true. I'm speaking about myself and in generalities. But i also want to echo what Tarynkay said above - you have zero reason to assume (at least, none that you've shared here) that you will have ANY trouble conceiving. If you're spending a good bit of time here on these boards, your perspective could definitely be skewed. The vast majority of women easily have babies, within the first year of "trying", even into their late 30's. Unless you've had problems with your cycle already, and a doctor has said hey you may have an issue, you should assume your fertility is totally normal! My husband and I started trying at 32 and we got pregnant the first time in just a few months. Yes, we lost the first one to miscarriage but that was a completely random occurrence. We chose to wait another year after losing the first one, because mentally I needed the time to recover, but we got pregnant again on the second month of trying during the second go-round! And everything has been healthy and on-track so far and I just crossed the first trimester mark this week.
All of this is to say, enjoy your life and especially enjoy your youth! Kids are beautiful, wonderful additions to life - but they always make things more complicated and more difficult. And once you have them, you can't go back. You don't need to save up $10000 before you travel - go on a spontaneous weekend somewhere not too far with your hubby! Don't plan it, just go. Stay in a reasonable hotel. Take a roadtrip! All of these are things that are that much harder to do, and more expensive, once baby is here too.
Again, this is all just my thoughts and my opinions, which is what you asked for. I'm not trying to offend or upset any of the younger moms that are on here, we all have to find our own path and you'll find yours soon! Good luck!Christine
Pregnancy #1: lost to mc, 10/11
Amelia Joelle arrived on 11/28/13 at 7 pounds, 4 ounces of pure beauty. Couldn't be happier to finally be mama!
Baby #2 - another GIRL! - due 8/1/16
May 30th, 2013 01:39 PM #12Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jun 2011
No advice. We waited until our mid-30s before ttc, over 10 years into our relationship. Not because we had any plans or timelines, we just didn't want kids until then. We did do a bit of travelling before kids, bought a house, got our careers established. It worked well for us. We still travel with the kids, but it isn't easy and we don't always get to do the kind of things we want, but it's still enjoyable. I did have some problems ttc, but nothing major and not necessarily connected with my age (first child at 36, last one due this year at 42).
My mum had kids in her early 20s and only really got a chance to go travelling in her late 50s and 60s due to various circumstances. And she's not in such a great physical or financial position to do as much as she would like.Mum to Mousie, Foo, Bumptious and Pudding.
May 30th, 2013 03:18 PM #14
"Traveling" with small children does not equal "travelling" without them. Much like enjoying a nice evening out in a restaurant-- of course, you *can* take small kids, but you'll be worrying about what they can eat off the menu, entertaining them, watching for thrown food, and so forth. Quite a different prospect than hitting a hot new bistro with friends, drinking too much wine, and enjoying four courses late in the evening.
Only you can decide what your priorities are. Personally, I wish I was a man who could have started my family in my 40s, because there are a lot of things I value besides being a mother which necessarily are put on hold, or compromised, with small kids. But speaking candidly, given how extremely excited you are nearly monthly at the thought you might be pregnant.... it sounds like a family is probably a lot more important to you than hypothetical experiences.
I think @tarynkay gave terrific advice. Travelling does not make you some sort of superior person- it is a luxury and should be undertaken only if you really desire it. You absolutely do not need to own a house before having a family. My opinion is that you should be an adult and financially independent in every way before undertaking to create & provide for another little person-- meaning, you should be living independently, paying your own bills, not accumulating debt, and having a savings account with enough socked away to provide for the inevitable surprises and added expenses that come about, especially with children [the average American's saving's rate is less than 1% annually; before the financial crisis it was *negative.* This is bad]. If you're already there, and the desire for motherhood is strong, why wait?Blade, MD
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