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  1. #16
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Location
    New York
    Posts
    326
    Quote Originally Posted by tarynkay View Post
    I agree that you can never really be ready. But I also think that it is extremely important for your boyfriend to feel ready enough. Don't pressure him into something he isn't prepared for. Having a baby will not magically make him happy to be a father. Sometimes it works that way, but I have seen it not work that way at all, and that is really awful to see. If your boyfriend is reluctant, I would talk to him about why he doesn't feel ready. Where does he want to be in life before having children? Maybe he has career goals or life goals that he wants to accomplish before becoming a father. That is legitimate.

    If it is more a matter of him just being nervous around babies, start babysitting together. Offer free babysitting for all of your family/friends w/ kids.

    I am not making any judgments about whether you are married or not. That is up to you. Some people do not believe in marriage, that is fine. But if you plan to be married, I would urge you to do that first. If he isn't ready to commit to marriage w/ you (and he does want to be married eventually) he is not ready to be the father of your children.

    I really believe that children are a blessing whenever they arrive. BUT if you have the luxury of planning for them, that can make things much easier. A good first step is a post-baby budget. Draw one up with your boyfriend. There are baby-expense calculators online that can help you do this. How much money will you need? Where will it come from? Do you have health insurance that will cover maternity? How much extra will you need to pay for health insurance for your little one? You mentioned that you will be able to take your baby to work with you. That is great, but if that becomes impossible to do, what is your Plan B for childcare? How will you pay for that? You don't need to be rich, but you do need to be in agreement regarding your budget and financial goals. And babies do not have to be expensive, but what I have learned is that they are unpredictably expensive.
    Its not that he is not ready, he is a bigger stress-er when it comes to financials. That is just who he is naturally. I am more laid back and I am the one who also does research when it comes to baby expenses. Like i said in a previous post, I know dogs are animals but we consider them children and they are very similar in terms of the unpredictable expenses. Along with mental and physical exhaustion they put us through.

    I am on the same page as milasmama, we talk about marriage all the time and this is probably to much information but he is making payments on the ring I chose as well. So we are kind of doing things backwards. Plus I want the dream wedding and I want to make sure it is everything we both want vs. "oh wait need to get married to have a child, so lets just put whatever together." I know I will be with him forever and we have plans to get married. And I know he will make a great father, he was a teacher and dealt with kindergartners. His issue is always with financials. Plus he revealed his mind set is he has to pay for everything when I do not work like that. It is a team effort. We both contribute. But I understand what you are saying.
    TTC #1
    Hoping to have a little Ragazzo or Ragazza soon.

  2. #18
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    686
    That's great, that you are talking about these things and making plans together. That is really the best thing, when you are in agreement about your goals and plans. I am perhaps over-cautious about these things- I used to work as a mediator and one of the things I did there was help couples hash out custody disputes. Most depressing job ever, seriously. And fighting about money was almost always a big issue for people splitting up. It really can be a huge stressor, especially when children are involved.

    But that is great that you are doing research on baby expenses. And I totally agree with you on it being a team effort and you both contributing. I hope everything works out for you, and soon! It is so hard to wait to become a mother.

  3. #20
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Location
    New Zealand
    Posts
    281
    We'd been married for 4 years, together for almost 8 when we finally decided to TTC. We'd been ready for a long time, but there was always something that came up that delayed it.

    I think we knew we were ready when we realised there were always going to be curveballs & obstacles and instead of letting it delay our plans, decided to do it anyway.
    Mummy of One:
    -- Dominic Jameson: 3rd November 2013

    Dom's future brother/s: Bennett, Ciaran, Elijah, Elliott, Emmett, Finnegan, Grayson, Harrison, Nathaniel, Quentin
    Dom's future sister/s: Aveline, Aven, Calla, Eleanor, Helena, Iris, Noelle, Rosalie, Sadie, Wren

  4. #22
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Location
    New York
    Posts
    326
    @tarynkay- Thank you for the kind words! I totally understand about being cautious. I think he is like that because he came from a family of two divorces and being raised by his father. He wants to be able to give the best to you child. But he is not confident at all! I also look at costs of clothes, diapers, etc. when he is flying blind. So I guess I have to show him and teach him lol. Its just hard because I do not want to have to convince and I get baby blues so bad sometimes. I appreciate you sharing though!
    TTC #1
    Hoping to have a little Ragazzo or Ragazza soon.

  5. #24
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Location
    New York
    Posts
    326
    anniemarie- Were you worried about money? Or was your husband more worried than you? I am 23 going to be 24 and people always tel me I am so young and have time and to wait but that is not what I want. Plus he is going to be 27. And I have always wanted to have children young so I can enjoy life when we are older. My mom is 52 and parenting a 16 year old I can see how exhausted she is and I do not want that at all.

    I totally agree with you, life is full of obstacles but if we always worried about the what ifs then you would never live life to the fullest and thats how I see it. I own my own business and he just took over a new job becoming part owner and his hours are nice. I just see everything falling into place. The only thing I worry about people thinking it is a bad choice because we do not have our own home we live with my parents. Only because we do not know if we want to stay in New York or what my parents are going to be doing. Should that stop us from having a child?
    TTC #1
    Hoping to have a little Ragazzo or Ragazza soon.

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