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  1. #6
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Location
    New York
    Posts
    326
    Quote Originally Posted by leadmythoughts View Post
    A lot of men are VERY nervous to be first-time Dads. I think a lot of it is cultural....not all that long ago men were mainly the providers and protectors, it was their job to be "the man of the house", and while that made plenty of them nervous, they were usually more worried about money, finances, etc. than about caring for an infant.

    In a fairly short amount of time, that's changed, both due to feminism, and just a general knowledge of the role fathers play in their developing children, etc. Now, dads are expected to be very hands-on, help out with baby care, be involved in pregnancy, and lots of things their own fathers didn't necessarily do. I think many new dads have it just as hard, if not harder, than new moms these days. There is still a lot of controversy over what it means to be the "man of the house" and that comes along with fatherhood. Women have been taught their whole entire lives to be nurturing, gentle, care-takers...and most men of our generation have not, but now they're expected to. Now we give boys baby dolls to teach them how to be fathers...our generation didn't have that.

    I think things like all of the available classes, newborn first aid, newborn care, etc. that are opened to fathers are great, I've even seen some ONLY for fathers (or that have one fathers-only session), where dads can talk about their fears and concerns in front of other dads-to-be without their wives/girlfriends/partners present.

    If your SO is interested in having children, and his anxiety or nerves are just one factor, I think with a lot of support from you, and also support from his family, or other friends with children, he'll be fine. My baby's due in less than two weeks, and I know his/her dad is TERRIFIED of both the early weeks/months and everything that comes with raising a well-rounded, stable child. I know it's going to be helpful in the first days if I don't hand him a screaming infant the minute I've had enough...I'll try to have him change the baby when they're not already fussy, and hold the baby during calmer periods/sleep instead of giving the baby to him to comfort when he/she is already upset. I don't like seeing him so anxious/scared, but I honestly think he'll get used to fatherhood pretty quickly and be more comfortable around the baby after we get into a bit of a routine.
    I totally agree, I think he even only being 26 and I am 23 in his mind he has the be the bread winner and take care of everything. I do not see it that way. I have my own business, go to work everyday and will support our family too. In my mind it is a team effort. I think he feels more macho too knowing he can support all of us rather than me helping him. He is a guy who always wants the best for me and even our dogs lol I can not imagine how he will be with our future baby.

    I think you brought up an excellent point I never thought about with "I know it's going to be helpful in the first days if I don't hand him a screaming infant the minute I've had enough...I'll try to have him change the baby when they're not already fussy, and hold the baby during calmer periods/sleep instead of giving the baby to him to comfort when he/she is already upset." That is almost like a confidence booster for them since they are already on edge. I just wish he was more confident in himself and I guess with me in knowing things will be okay.
    TTC #1
    Hoping to have a little Ragazzo or Ragazza soon.

  2. #8
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    2,520
    My husband and I got married last August and have been TTC since April this year. We were married eight months before TTC, but I would've definitely started earlier if he'd let me! I think it's important to wait until both partners are ready. However, your boyfriend will probably be nervous right up until the moment your child is born!
    TTC #1

    Alice - Beatrix - Clara - Daphne - Flora - Harriet - Mabel - Susannah

    Arthur - Barnaby - Edward - Frederick - Henry - Rupert - Theodore - Walter

  3. #10
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Location
    New York
    Posts
    326
    @sarahmezz- I completely agree. I have always wanted children since I was 12, I was that little girl who loved her baby dolls to death. It comes natural to me when he is fearful. Plus I am the one who does research and knows how much things are etc. He is kind of flying blind. And I know he would make a wonderful, loving, and caring father. We aren't married but we talk about marriage and I know we will be engaged soon. I am not so worried about that part. I am worried he will always think we are not ready and TTC will NEVER happen. I do not want to try and convince him, I want him to want it as much as I do.
    TTC #1
    Hoping to have a little Ragazzo or Ragazza soon.

  4. #12
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    New Zealand
    Posts
    586
    Our daughter was a surprise, so no TTC for us. I don't think there is anything like being a parent except being a parent - you can be around hundreds of babies and kids but it's nothing like having your own. The love, the fear, the frustration, the responsibility; having your own child just puts all of these on a different scale altogether. Knowing what to "do" with babies is the easy part, it is handling the emotions for me that is the challenge. That, and the realisation that you're a parent *forever* - it is a massive change to be responsible for someone's life all day every day. No giving them back when you're tired or they're grumpy!

    Having said that, I agree with other posters that there is never a perfect time. You just have to both want the same thing. "If it happens, it happens" either means it usually won't happen, if you're using contraception, or you're essentially taking a laid-back approach to TTC if you aren't.
    Last edited by milasmama; May 31st, 2013 at 06:36 AM.
    Mother to miss Mila Arden and her brand new brother, Cato Bennett

  5. #14
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    Flyover Territory
    Posts
    1,145
    Our daughter was a surprise as well (if DtD while using no BC other than an iPhone app that tells you when you *should* be ovulating can possibly be considered a surprise), so there was no actively TTC for us. It's unfortunate that your boyfriend doesn't have any older brothers. I think the only thing that kept DH from being scared ****less is his brother having his first child. I think his mentality became, "If he can do this, then I can DEFINITELY do it." Haha. Nothing like a little gentle sibling rivalry. He always wanted kids, but it was always "someday". I'm pretty sure he would've continued to stick with "someday" right up until I hit menopause had I not had problems with the pill I was taking and decided (with him) to go off for a year and see how I felt.
    Tara, proud mama to a Honey Badger
    ... and a Badger in Training

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