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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Location
    New York
    Posts
    326

    How do you know when it is the right time to start family?

    Hi Berries,

    I was wondering if you and your significant other had a plan as to when you would start trying to conceive or went more with a "when it happens, it happens" method? My boyfriend and I have been talking about TTC in the Fall. I am a very confident person when it comes to to babies since I have a younger sibling and a large family. I was always around babies. He is an only child with a small family and has never really been around babies. I also worked in a daycare for 4 years. I clearly have a different mind set, when he is more nervous, scared, etc. Is this normal or will I basically never have the family I want because he is terrified?

    Have your significant others experienced this?

    How did you handle it?

    Are their specific signs or rules to follow when wanting to start a family?


    Any advice will be so appreciated since it kind of upsets me. Thank you
    TTC #1
    Hoping to have a little Ragazzo or Ragazza soon.

  2. #3
    Join Date
    May 2013
    Location
    Texas
    Posts
    291
    We waited until my husband and I were both ready. I found my husband was a lot more help because he was fully ready.

    I was 26 when I had my son.
    mamacravings.com
    Everything a mama could want

    Blessed mama to 3 year-old Elijah Myles & to 6 precious angels babies.

    crushes:
    Amelia Wren, Charlotte Adair, Josepine Elise, Genevieve Ruth, Susanna Caroline, Cordelia Mae

    Josiah Davis, Charles Asher, Jeremiah August, Lawrence Henry

  3. #5
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Sweden
    Posts
    642
    I don't think my husband had ever held a baby until he held our sons. And personally I don't know if you can ever truly be 'ready'. In my mind there are sort of degrees of readiness, but I don't think most people can truly fully conceive of the profound changes becoming parents will make in their lives. However before both partners are on board to give it their best, I think it could be a big problem.

    That said, I wanted to start trying for kids before my husband wanted to. For years I took birth control and we were waiting for a 'good' time. We talked a lot about what that would look like and honestly quite a large component of the discussion was economic, particularly from my husband's point of view. He is a very progressive, women's rights, equality kind of man, but I think society managed to implant a deep seeded sense that he is supposed to be the one responsible for providing for our family. Not that I shouldn't work too, but more in the sense that if we were to end up homeless and starving that he would have personally failed as a husband and father. He was terrified of the added responsibility.

    At a certain point external changes in our job situations brought the conversation to a head again. We moved overseas and I realized that I could take time off from my masters program without any penalty or financial losses (the program was free to begin with and I would basically just be delaying a year by which time my husband would be done with his program and hopefully have a job) so we started considering the pros and cons of starting a family. We looked at the economics, logistics and pretty much every other possible facet we could think of. We decided we would have enough money for a baby if we saved and lived inexpensively (which we were already doing anyway) and that the ability to stay home for an extended period of time without feeling pressure from a job would be a huge plus. We also decided that when they started preschool it would actually be easier if I were in school myself because the schedule was more flexible and less imperative that I show up (OK so I missed a lecture, I'll get the notes vs. missing a shift at work and loosing my job potentially). Plus here in Sweden maternity care is free, as is pediatric care (bringing in the economics to win him over...) For our situation, considering all the various factors (many of which I haven't even gone in to) the choice was pretty clear for us- there probably wouldn't ever be a better time. So we decided that I should stop taking the pill and we would start TTC. Three months later I was pregnant.

    All that planning and careful budgeting and at 13 weeks we found out we were having double the baby we had bargained for. You can plan and plan and plan and you will never be prepared for all eventualities! But what a fantastic opportunity that we never could have expected!
    Mama to twin boys Oliver Graham and Luke Axel

  4. #7
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Posts
    490
    A lot of men are VERY nervous to be first-time Dads. I think a lot of it is cultural....not all that long ago men were mainly the providers and protectors, it was their job to be "the man of the house", and while that made plenty of them nervous, they were usually more worried about money, finances, etc. than about caring for an infant.

    In a fairly short amount of time, that's changed, both due to feminism, and just a general knowledge of the role fathers play in their developing children, etc. Now, dads are expected to be very hands-on, help out with baby care, be involved in pregnancy, and lots of things their own fathers didn't necessarily do. I think many new dads have it just as hard, if not harder, than new moms these days. There is still a lot of controversy over what it means to be the "man of the house" and that comes along with fatherhood. Women have been taught their whole entire lives to be nurturing, gentle, care-takers...and most men of our generation have not, but now they're expected to. Now we give boys baby dolls to teach them how to be fathers...our generation didn't have that.

    I think things like all of the available classes, newborn first aid, newborn care, etc. that are opened to fathers are great, I've even seen some ONLY for fathers (or that have one fathers-only session), where dads can talk about their fears and concerns in front of other dads-to-be without their wives/girlfriends/partners present.

    If your SO is interested in having children, and his anxiety or nerves are just one factor, I think with a lot of support from you, and also support from his family, or other friends with children, he'll be fine. My baby's due in less than two weeks, and I know his/her dad is TERRIFIED of both the early weeks/months and everything that comes with raising a well-rounded, stable child. I know it's going to be helpful in the first days if I don't hand him a screaming infant the minute I've had enough...I'll try to have him change the baby when they're not already fussy, and hold the baby during calmer periods/sleep instead of giving the baby to him to comfort when he/she is already upset. I don't like seeing him so anxious/scared, but I honestly think he'll get used to fatherhood pretty quickly and be more comfortable around the baby after we get into a bit of a routine.
    Lillian Elizabeth 6.16.13

  5. #9
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Location
    New York
    Posts
    326
    Quote Originally Posted by zaelia View Post
    I don't think my husband had ever held a baby until he held our sons. And personally I don't know if you can ever truly be 'ready'. In my mind there are sort of degrees of readiness, but I don't think most people can truly fully conceive of the profound changes becoming parents will make in their lives. However before both partners are on board to give it their best, I think it could be a big problem.

    That said, I wanted to start trying for kids before my husband wanted to. For years I took birth control and we were waiting for a 'good' time. We talked a lot about what that would look like and honestly quite a large component of the discussion was economic, particularly from my husband's point of view. He is a very progressive, women's rights, equality kind of man, but I think society managed to implant a deep seeded sense that he is supposed to be the one responsible for providing for our family. Not that I shouldn't work too, but more in the sense that if we were to end up homeless and starving that he would have personally failed as a husband and father. He was terrified of the added responsibility.

    At a certain point external changes in our job situations brought the conversation to a head again. We moved overseas and I realized that I could take time off from my masters program without any penalty or financial losses (the program was free to begin with and I would basically just be delaying a year by which time my husband would be done with his program and hopefully have a job) so we started considering the pros and cons of starting a family. We looked at the economics, logistics and pretty much every other possible facet we could think of. We decided we would have enough money for a baby if we saved and lived inexpensively (which we were already doing anyway) and that the ability to stay home for an extended period of time without feeling pressure from a job would be a huge plus. We also decided that when they started preschool it would actually be easier if I were in school myself because the schedule was more flexible and less imperative that I show up (OK so I missed a lecture, I'll get the notes vs. missing a shift at work and loosing my job potentially). Plus here in Sweden maternity care is free, as is pediatric care (bringing in the economics to win him over...) For our situation, considering all the various factors (many of which I haven't even gone in to) the choice was pretty clear for us- there probably wouldn't ever be a better time. So we decided that I should stop taking the pill and we would start TTC. Three months later I was pregnant.

    All that planning and careful budgeting and at 13 weeks we found out we were having double the baby we had bargained for. You can plan and plan and plan and you will never be prepared for all eventualities! But what a fantastic opportunity that we never could have expected!

    That is what I keep hearing, even from my older friends who have children. I reached out to them to see what they thought. And they said you are never truly ready and if he is waiting for the moment he will be it wont ever happen. You seriously hit the nail on the head with your sentence...."in the sense that if we were to end up homeless and starving that he would have personally failed as a husband and father. He was terrified of the added responsibility." He is so terrified of that, and I do not know how to change his mind set. Or have him think differently.

    I really appreciate you tell me your story. If it is nice to hear about what you went through as a couple and decisions you had to make. Especially conceiving not one child but TWO! I absolutely love their names by the way. Just had to throw that in there.

    I see our situation as the perfect time, I own my own business so there for the baby would be coming to work with me rather than daycare and my boyfriend is in the middle of switching jobs where he will hopefully become part owner of a crossfit gym. I also stopped taking birth control because I did not like the way it made me feel and I am also being weened off of medication that can cause birth defects and also you just can not take while your pregnant. I feel all these steps we are taking should lead to us TTC this Fall. But every time I feel like I have to convince him over and over again why we should. His main issue is money. And in my opinion you are never going to be financially ready. But what is thrown your way you manage and deal. And the ultimate pay back is knowing you created something amazing. Maybe I am being too selfish.
    TTC #1
    Hoping to have a little Ragazzo or Ragazza soon.

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