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  1. #11
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    671
    I agree that you can never really be ready. But I also think that it is extremely important for your boyfriend to feel ready enough. Don't pressure him into something he isn't prepared for. Having a baby will not magically make him happy to be a father. Sometimes it works that way, but I have seen it not work that way at all, and that is really awful to see. If your boyfriend is reluctant, I would talk to him about why he doesn't feel ready. Where does he want to be in life before having children? Maybe he has career goals or life goals that he wants to accomplish before becoming a father. That is legitimate.

    If it is more a matter of him just being nervous around babies, start babysitting together. Offer free babysitting for all of your family/friends w/ kids.

    I am not making any judgments about whether you are married or not. That is up to you. Some people do not believe in marriage, that is fine. But if you plan to be married, I would urge you to do that first. If he isn't ready to commit to marriage w/ you (and he does want to be married eventually) he is not ready to be the father of your children.

    I really believe that children are a blessing whenever they arrive. BUT if you have the luxury of planning for them, that can make things much easier. A good first step is a post-baby budget. Draw one up with your boyfriend. There are baby-expense calculators online that can help you do this. How much money will you need? Where will it come from? Do you have health insurance that will cover maternity? How much extra will you need to pay for health insurance for your little one? You mentioned that you will be able to take your baby to work with you. That is great, but if that becomes impossible to do, what is your Plan B for childcare? How will you pay for that? You don't need to be rich, but you do need to be in agreement regarding your budget and financial goals. And babies do not have to be expensive, but what I have learned is that they are unpredictably expensive.

  2. #13
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    New Zealand
    Posts
    591
    Quote Originally Posted by tarynkay View Post
    I am not making any judgments about whether you are married or not. That is up to you. Some people do not believe in marriage, that is fine. But if you plan to be married, I would urge you to do that first. If he isn't ready to commit to marriage w/ you (and he does want to be married eventually) he is not ready to be the father of your children.
    Um... What?

    We got married when our daughter was 2.5. We always planned to get married eventually - not getting married doesn't necessarily mean "not ready to commit". For us, it was mostly financial - it was better for us to delay getting married until we were in a better place where funding our dream wedding didn't strain us.
    That decision had absolutely nothing to do with his commitment, readiness or ability to father children.
    Mother to two lovely kiddos, Mila Arden and Cato Bennett

    Currently dreaming of...
    Atlas, Callahan, Caius, Ezra, Bram, Atticus, Aspen, Sylvan, Constantine, Perrin & Pascoe
    Lyra, Elodie, Elowen, Isis, Artemis, Sylvia, Vesper, Anouk, Willa, Cassia, Elka & Sage

  3. #15
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    671
    Yes, and as I said, marriage is not something everyone is into. It sounds like its something that you were happy to do later on. It wasn't a priority for you. That's cool. Marriage isn't super important to many people, I get that. I have friends who got married in very small weddings, no frills, just the preacher doing the vows in the living room, or vows at the courthouse during lunch hour, that kind of thing, then years later when they could afford it, had big lavish weddings. Marriage was fundamental to them. It is for many people.

    The original poster mentioned earlier knowing that they would be engaged and married soon. Not getting married doesn't necessarily mean not ready to commit, but it certainly can mean that. It sounds like she wants her boyfriend to propose, and she also wants him to agree to children soon. It also sounds like he has expressed that he isn't quite ready for these steps. I am obviously inferring a bunch of stuff here, I could be wrong. But if she's got a possibly reluctant boyfriend who isn't sure he's ready to settle down yet, I would absolutely say marriage first, then children. Children are a much bigger commitment than marriage.

  4. #17
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Location
    New York
    Posts
    326
    Quote Originally Posted by milasmama View Post
    Our daughter was a surprise, so no TTC for us. I don't think there is anything like being a parent except being a parent - you can be around hundreds of babies and kids but it's nothing like having your own. The love, the fear, the frustration, the responsibility; having your own child just puts all of these on a different scale altogether. Knowing what to "do" with babies is the easy part, it is handling the emotions for me that is the challenge. That, and the realisation that you're a parent *forever* - it is a massive change to be responsible for someone's life all day every day. No giving them back when you're tired or they're grumpy!

    Having said that, I agree with other posters that there is never a perfect time. You just have to both want the same thing. "If it happens, it happens" either means it usually won't happen, if you're using contraception, or you're essentially taking a laid-back approach to TTC if you aren't.
    I completely agree. I have wanted to be a parent since I was like 12, playing with my dolls and always day dreaming about it. I see mothers interacting with their children or even a 1 year old who interacts with me and is being goofy. Totally makes me melt. I know this isnt the same but having two dogs which are permanent children help in terms of the frustrations, constant yelling or guidance to have a stable dog and we are not those type of people to get rid of an animal when the going gets tough. I know dogs are animals but I feel mentally and physically it is the same almost. Hearing that makes me feel so much better, my boyfriend truly believes there is a perfect time but hearing this over and over allows me to rest my case lol Saying if it happens, it happens meaning I am not on BC because I did not like the way it made me feel so I am saying if we have a surprise we will of course be happy.
    TTC #1
    Hoping to have a little Ragazzo or Ragazza soon.

  5. #19
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Location
    New York
    Posts
    326
    Quote Originally Posted by tk. View Post
    Our daughter was a surprise as well (if DtD while using no BC other than an iPhone app that tells you when you *should* be ovulating can possibly be considered a surprise), so there was no actively TTC for us. It's unfortunate that your boyfriend doesn't have any older brothers. I think the only thing that kept DH from being scared ****less is his brother having his first child. I think his mentality became, "If he can do this, then I can DEFINITELY do it." Haha. Nothing like a little gentle sibling rivalry. He always wanted kids, but it was always "someday". I'm pretty sure he would've continued to stick with "someday" right up until I hit menopause had I not had problems with the pill I was taking and decided (with him) to go off for a year and see how I felt.

    I wish he had siblings as well. Or babies in his family at least with other family members. He did teach kindergarten so he has dealt with 5 year olds. But he is so scared of babies because he feels like he is going to break them lol he needs more confidence in himself.
    TTC #1
    Hoping to have a little Ragazzo or Ragazza soon.

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