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  1. #16
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    664
    My parents relationship is similar to yours, and I also thought that there was no way I would ever get married. But then I met my husband, who is the most patient, laid back, sweetheart of a man. We hadn't been dating for very long when I accidentally locked his keys in his car in the middle of the night in rural GA. This is the sort of thing that would have turned my dad into a raging maniac. I was trembling in fear. But my future husband just said, "Don't worry! It's not a big deal." Then we just to a gas station (neither of us had a cell phone) and called a locksmith, waited several hours, and eventually got back into the car. That is pretty much when I decided I was going to marry him. We have been married now for almost twelve years, and been through every sort of turmoil and crisis and he really has stayed that way. He is such a wonderful father to our one and a half year old son. There really are gentle men out there.

    But if you don't want to get married, you don't have to. I would suggest taking some time for yourself, don't try to date right away. Don't worry about men at all. It took me some time to figure out who I was when I moved out of my parents house and didn't have to walk on eggshells all of the time anymore. If you are going to college, many colleges provide free counseling for students. This can be very helpful when working through these things.

    As to being a single mom, you can do that, too. I do think that it is hard, very hard. But that doesn't mean it isn't worth it. The single moms that we know have backup people, close friends they can call for help when they need it. I mean, we have backup people, too. Nobody raises children alone!

    You can adopt as a single mom. I think that a domestic private adoption might be more difficult, you might wait longer. But it is possible. And I know single moms who adopted through the state. I am not going to say that is easy, but the state won't deny you placements just b.c you are single. If you look at adoptuskids.org, which is the listing of kids legally free for adoption, there are many children that the posting will specifically say that they are looking for a single mom for this child. There is a great blog of a woman who is doing foster-adoption as a single mom, called fosterhood.tumblr.com.

    There are some countries that allow single moms to adopt as well, so international might be a possibility for you as well.

    Anyhow, hang in there! It gets better, I promise.

  2. #18
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Location
    San Antionio, Texas, U.S.
    Posts
    173
    Hi Violet,
    I'm not sure how much advice I can give, however, I would like to say that I can completely relate to your situation. My father is a hot-tempered and very emotionally/psychologically abusive person. He has been this way all throughout my parents' 32 year marriage. And, honestly he got even worse after my twin brother and I were born. Growing up in such an emotionally toxic environment has left me a bit jaded about men in general as well.

    That said, I am now in a long-term relationship with a wonderful and kind-hearted man who has shown me that not all guys are like my father. And, as much as I love my boyfriend, I am still unsure if marriage is worth it and I'm leary of the whole concept in general. In my opinion, marriage is not and should not be the end-all, be-all of a relationship. I think in today's world it is perfectly acceptable to have children on your own (through a sperm donor or adoption) or to be in a long-term relationship and have children with your partner.

    s marriage really the way my mom says? Do you have to go along with whatever punishment your partner is using, even if you know its not right?

    Absolutely not. It sounds to me like your parents are (putting it kindly) a very traditionally-minded couple. Parenting should be an equal responsibility between both partners, and if one parent disagrees with the other on discipline, they should definitely be able to have an open discussion with the other parent in order to come to a reasonable solution. Also, if at any point you do become involved in a serious relationship, things like this might be worth discussing with your partner. For instance, I already know that my boyfriend and I have similar views when it comes to raising kids; and I have no doubt that he would be a wonderful father if we ever choose to have children.

    How do you know that your partner is who they appear to be? How do you know they aren't going to change after having kids?



    There is always some degree of risk that your partner may change at some point in your relationship. Every situation is different, and some people do change after having kids. In my parent's case, my father has always had a fiery temper and low self-control, my mother ended up staying with him because she thought that either she could "save" him from his problems or that one day he would become a better person. When they first got married, she was under the impression that he would be a wonderful father because he was so loved by my cousins (who were all under 10 or so at the time). He was always playful, fun and kind towards them and she thought that surely this would be the case with his own children, unfortunately, it wasn't. He has never been able to handle the responsibility of being a father, and honestly I think it would have been better for him to remain childless. My point is that you will never know how your spouse/partner will react to being a parent until they are in the midst of it. I think it's very important to discuss having kids thoroughly with your partner before TTC and make sure that is something that both of you want and are ready to handle.

    How do I loosen up around guys?

    My answer is this; just be yourself.
    Don't worry too much about being involved in a serious relationship if that's something you're not interested in. You can casually date around, or have lots of guy friends to hang out with. I met my current boyfriend at 18 (we've been together for 2 1/2 years now) and in the beginning I made it very clear to him that I was in no way interested in a long-term relationship. We became close friends and remained that way until we started officially dating nine months later. Most guys in their late teens and early twenties aren't generally interested in serious relationships anyway (at least in my experience), so just allow yourself to have fun and explore your options.

    If I chose never to get married, how hard do you think it would be to raise one or two kids on my own, starting in my late twenties?

    I think it depends upon many factors. The most important thing is to make sure you have a solid support system to help you so that you don't have to do it all alone. I've known single moms with little to no support and it was very, very hard on not only them but the kids as well. Secondly, it would be a good idea to have your career under way and preferably in a field that can be relatively flexible and well-paying. Lastly, I would suggest getting some of your own personal goals accomplished first; travel, graduate studies or other life experiences that are important to you.

    I know this is a strange thing to ask but I just can't imagine my future without kids in it. If I don't learn how to trust men then how will I ever have a family?

    I think it's absolutely possible to have kids on your own. If you feel that marriage or life with a partner isn't the best option for you, having a wonderful family is still a viable option. I have a friend who is a university professor and single mom, she has a great relationship with her kids and has spent the past six months with them in Italy teaching a semester abroad. She has said that she will never marry again and seems very content with her circle of close friends who have become family.

    Wishing you the best of luck in all that you do.
    Last edited by amelieamour; June 8th, 2013 at 04:01 AM.
    Twenty-something musician, yogini and name lover who dreams of strolling the boulevards of Paris by day and writing songs by night.

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