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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    1,284

    I know this is strange but...thoughts?

    I'm only 18, a long way off from kids and a family, but this has been on my mind a lot lately.

    I desperately want to be a mother someday, but I'm not too keen on the husband part. I think its because of my dad. When he is happy he is a very nice, easy going guy, but when he's mad he turns into a raging bull. He's not a very educated man and does't have good communication skills. He gets frustrated very easily at the smallest things (usually he its when he can't find something), and if you say or do one "wrong" thing he starts screaming and yelling at the top of his lungs. He gets in your face and spits and threatens to slap you (one time he actually did). It's terrifying. My mother is usually home during his "fits" and she usually does nothing to stop it. When I ask her why she says because she can't undermine his authority. They have to present a united front and if he's "punishing" me then she can't stop him or it would send mixed messages. I honestly am fed up with this response because my sister and I are not children anymore (18 & 14). We don't talk back or misbehave like we used to. We just say something that he doesn't like and suddenly its World War III.

    I am totally repulsed by my father. I cannot stand him and his antics anymore. The problem is I think my disdain of him has spilled over onto other guys. I can't imagine being in a relationship with a guy. When ever someone flirts with me I immediately shut him down. I feel like the guys I know must think I'm so mean because every time I'm around one I feel like I need to show that I'm in control of the situation. I don't want to end up in a relationship like my parents where one is walking on eggshells around the other. My father was totally charming, happy, even tempered guy before my parents had kids. His ugly temper only showed up when I was old enough to misbehave. My mother has admitted to me that if she had seen his horrible temper when they were dating she would never have married him.

    I am so terrified of ending up in an abusive relationship I'm seriously considering being a single parent, either through adoption or IVF. But I know its really hard to adopt as a single parent and I know both options are really expensive, especially for one person. So my questions are...

    Is marriage really the way my mom says? Do you have to go along with whatever punishment your partner is using, even if you know its not right?

    How do you know that your partner is who they appear to be? How do you know they aren't going to change after having kids?

    How do I loosen up around guys?

    If I chose never to get married, how hard do you think it would be to raise one or two kids on my own, starting in my late twenties?

    I know this is a strange thing to ask but I just can't imagine my future without kids in it. If I don't learn how to trust men then how will I ever have a family?
    Violet Gray
    Sad name-obsessed teenager and aspiring writer

    Current Name Crushes: August, Avery, & Flynn: Eliza, Georgiana & Dahlia

  2. #3
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    Location
    London, England
    Posts
    5,340
    Is marriage really the way my mom says? Do you have to go along with whatever punishment your partner is using, even if you know its not right?
    Every marriage is different. I am not married yet, but I live with my fiance and we have a child together, and our relationship is equal and good. If he acted the way you say your father do, I'd throw him out. There are abusive men out there, and I'm not saying the women who are with them are having an easy time, but there are also a lot of women out there who seems to think that the man is the boss of them and they need to do what they say and want. That's not the case, women are just as valuable and strong and worthy.

    How do you know that your partner is who they appear to be? How do you know they aren't going to change after having kids?
    A lot of things change when you have children. The dynamic and energy in the house shifts. I believe living together before marriage is a good idea, you get to know the other person and know all their habits and get used to being around them. If you live together it's difficult to hide a part of yourself.

    How do I loosen up around guys?
    I honestly don't know, I've always been pretty loose. Okay, that came out the wrong way. I've been a flirt since I was a toddler, I honestly don't know how not to attract and flirt with men. You need to be comfortable in your own skin though, you need to like yourself. I suggest moving away from your father as that kind of negative energy is no good for you.

    If I chose never to get married, how hard do you think it would be to raise one or two kids on my own, starting in my late twenties?
    That depends on you. I have friends who are single mothers, and there are some awesome ones on here (amydomsmom for example), and they handle it very well. I think having a stable economy and a place to live as well as a solid group of friends are the keys. You need a support system. But I do think it's more difficult as a single parent, all the responsibility is on you.

    I know this is a strange thing to ask but I just can't imagine my future without kids in it. If I don't learn how to trust men then how will I ever have a family?
    Adoption, insemination or just a jolly good time out. You're 18. When I was 18 I couldn't imagine ever being in a stable relationship, but time changes things. Make guy friends, that should be the best way of starting to trust men.


    My advice to you: Move out, go to university, make guy friends. Find a therapist to work through your issues with your father. If you're not ready to date you're not ready. If yous started dating now you'd probably date the wrong guys.

    Oh, and buy Women Who Run With the Wolves: Contacting the Power of the Wild Woman by Clarissa Pinkola Estés. Every girl should read this one.
    Last edited by ottilie; May 25th, 2013 at 12:58 PM.
    [FONT=Palatino Linotype][CENTER]My darling Marian Illyria Aphrodite, March 2013 & Little Bunny (a girl!) due 9th of February 2014[/CENTER][/FONT]

  3. #5
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Posts
    2,034
    Thats a lot to think about...

    Is marriage really the way my mom says? Do you have to go along with whatever punishment your partner is using, even if you know its not right?

    No. Every marriage is different and sadly a lot of women do end up in extremely unhealthy abusive situations. Mutual respect is probably the single most important thing in my opinion...and DH knows if he ever treated me in the way you describe, he'd be out the door.

    How do you know that your partner is who they appear to be? How do you know they aren't going to change after having kids?
    Well, I don't think anythings a guarantee, you don't know how you'll change either, you can just know that you'll both do your best. I guess I'm not all fairytales and unicorns about marriage, you hope it will be forever, you work at it all the time, but if we ever grew apart to the point that the relationship was making one or both of us miserable, I wouldn't see walking away as a failure.

    How do I loosen up around guys?
    Maybe try focusing less on dating guys and more on making a few good male friends. My guy friends during high school and college definitely helped me learn a lot about how guys think and what I wanted in a potential husband. Plus I ended up marrying one if them in the end.

    If I chose never to get married, how hard do you think it would be to raise one or two kids on my own, starting in my late twenties?
    It'll depend on your financial situation and support system when the time comes. Yes, being a single parent is hard, but if its what you want, all you can do is work hard at making it possible.

    I would try not to worry too much about having a perfect plan now. You never know how things will pan out--you sound like you've learned some important lessons from your parents marriage and I hope you can direct those lessons into wisdom (instead of fear) that will help you build a healthy relationship and/or family when the time is right.
    mom to livvy jozefa 7.10.13

  4. #7
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Posts
    667
    Is marriage really the way my mom says? Do you have to go along with whatever punishment your partner is using, even if you know its not right?
    Absolutely not. Your parents have communication issues. I agree with her that parents do have to support each others decisions and respect their partners authority, but they also have to be on the same page and agree on those things before the kid comes.
    For example, my DH and I discussed punishments and discipline when I was pregnant on Amelie. I said I wasn't comfortable with slapping/spanking whatsoever, under any circumstances. He said he'd been occasionally swatted as a child, and it didn't do him any harm, and he saw it as an acceptable form of discipline in extreme circumstances.
    But he understood I felt passionately about not doing it, and to this day, we've never used spanking etc. as a form of punishment.
    Now, on the other hand, if he lost his temper and spanked her out of frustration I would absolutely step in and I would not be happy at all about it. I would be angry that he went back on a parenting decision we made together.
    If my DH did to my daughter what your father did to you, I wouldn't be able to take it.
    But those kinds of decisions should be made in advance. I don't step in when my DH is appropriately disciplining our daughter, because I have to support him, but if he went against something we had agreed on (such as spanking) I would definitely get involved. Know what I mean?


    How do you know that your partner is who they appear to be? How do you know they aren't going to change after having kids?
    You have to spend a lot of time with them, trust is key. If you are going to doubt the safety of your child every time you leave them alone with their own father, then you are really going to have to reconsider whether that relationship is working for you.

    How do I loosen up around guys?
    I totally agree with PP's suggestion of just making friends. I was friends with my DH for a long while before we got together. If you are friends first, everything comes naturally and its far, far less awkward.

    If I chose never to get married, how hard do you think it would be to raise one or two kids on my own, starting in my late twenties?
    I think its definitely doable, some of the best mothers I know are single mothers. So long as your level headed and financially and emotionally stable I see no reason why you shouldn't be a single parent.

    Hope that answers everything xx


    Mama to Amelie Clara (2008) & Daisy Madeline (2013).

    Alice Tallulah, Polly Matilda, Rosalie Faye, Lucy Annabel, Maya Lillian, Hazel Kate, Eva Blossom, Juliet Lila, Ivy Camille.
    Charles Joshua "Charlie", Theodore Samuel "Teddy", Elliott Daniel, Noah Zachary, James Oscar, Arthur Philip, Rowan Isaac.





  5. #9
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    Los Angeles
    Posts
    4,518
    Everyone has their flaws and their hot buttons. Part of the long, dating & discovery process is to find out both what you absolutely require in a partner, and-- the part everyone overlooks-- the downsides & negative features you decide that you can live with. For you, because of your negative experiences with your dad, you probably cannot put up with someone with a bad temper or a yeller. I mean, nobody *wants* someone with a temper, but some people (like your mom) have just decided they can put up with it.

    Once you're out of the house (likely permanently) for college & work, your dad's dominance over your conceptions & relationships with men will fade dramatically. You will meet lots of people, and hopefully at least one will be a kind, gentle person [who will definitely have his own flaws, we all do] but won't be domineering or short-tempered.

    There are obviously lots of single mothers out there who do a brilliant job, but I would never want to be one.
    Blade, MD

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