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  1. #16
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Posts
    1,821
    I'm still a teen myself, but I think the best part about my relationship with my mother is that she has always told me everything. For example, I knew about my aunt's alcoholism when her own children did not, because my mom saw no reason to hide that from me. It's made it easier for me to talk to her about things because she is open with me as well.
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  2. #18
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    2,458
    This worries me, too. Objectively, my mother was great. She was a stay-at-home mum until I was ten, then she went back to work part time for another fifteen years before retiring. Before having children, she worked as a bank teller. After having children, she worked as an integration aide (assisting disabled students at a primary school). Growing up, I was extremely judgemental of my mother. I remember having very little respect for her because (in my eyes) all she had done with her life was get married and have children. I didn't think she was very intelligent (still don't, really. She's a bit flaky, lol). We didn't have a close relationship throughout my teens, but, nowadays, we're on good terms. We live in different states and talk on the phone only about once a month or so, but play words with friends constantly! I think our relationship is in a good place now, but took about twenty-five years to get there. My worry about having a daughter is that she will judge me the same way I judged my mother.

    EDIT - Although I said my mother and I have a good relationship now, I would never go to her with problems or worries. We don't have that kind of relationship (and we never have had).
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  3. #20
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Posts
    2,735
    Quote Originally Posted by leadmythoughts View Post
    There's a big difference between a parent frightening or occasionally/accidentally hurting their child - something which they can apologize for later, or make an effort to prevent it from happening again and reverse the damage, and childhood trauma.

    By definition, trauma is not something that can be fixed by an apology. An apology can help, it can bring forgiveness or understanding, but it's not going to make the flashbacks and the recurrent fear, the nightmares, or the inability to function in a situation that may reflect the traumatic one, all go away.
    I know. Maybe I didn't conveyed it good enough. But all I mean is, it helps a lot. The initiative and good intention are important. You're also right about the flashback, etc. They didn't just go away. It's just me, prefer to (try to) letting go the 'burden'.

    The recovery isn't instant. But again, the process depends on the related person and how serious the trauma was.
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  4. #22
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    3,158
    I have/had a bad relationship with my mother. I think the major problem was is that she's stubborn, not open to change, strict, and short tempered. She also doesn't have the best relationship with her mom and was actually kind of neglected. Her mother didn't even tell her about puberty, she learned from her aunt's.

    My sister and I basically feared her when we were little. When she got mad, she screamed, spanked and threatened to throw us out of the house (one time it was just because I wouldn't wear my slippers...). Things cooled off a bit when we entered Middle School and High School, but there were times she snapped.

    Grades were the world to her. Come home with anything lower than a B and you were screwed. She didn't like B's, but it wasn't till you hit C that she start screaming. By high school though she stopped after talking to one of my teacher's who told her I was doing my best in the class (studying, taking notes, I even went in to get help from the teacher! It as AP Biology btw, not the easiest class in the world...). I forever thank him to this day!

    Now that I'm married and out of the house, our relationship is a bit better. She still comes screaming to me though when my younger sister does stupid things (like getting multiple piercings in her ear). But at least it's no longer at me...

    SO, what to take from all of this? Don't yell, talk to your children. If they do something horrible, put them in time out, works way better than screaming and spanking. You should never hit your child, that only causes fear. Be honest and open minded. If your daughter wants a tattoo, then talk to her about it, find out why (current fight between my mom and sister, who is 20). Don't just yell "Don't do it" or "you're going to ruin your life" that does nothing, but maybe make her want to do it more. In summary, don't hit and be honest. It's as simple as that!
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  5. #24
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Posts
    2,523
    Mistakes my mother made: Keeping me out of school every time I appeared to be sick, and sometimes when I wasn't, for "sick of school" days. Talking me out of taking Calculus my senior year of high school, because presumably I wouldn't need it. Telling me constantly how beautiful I was. Telling me the mean kids were "just jealous." She protected us so fiercely that we were hobbled by it when we set out on our own. Her sacrificing had a self-destructive edge to it. I remember her saying things like "I wish I could suck the illness out of you and take it into myself." She was passive-aggressively cruel to my father throughout my entire childhood, and tried to get my brother and me to take her side.

    Good things my mother did: I saw grown-up plays, went to grown-up gallery openings, sat for my mother's interesting artist friends.. My school reports were always multimedia events, with paper-maiche elements and interpretive dance. My mother made me appreciate natural beauty, walking me out into the woods to visit a particularly amazing spider web, or waking me up in the middle of the night to see a meteor shower. We made masks, tapestries, costumes, gigantic murals.. She had a crazy sense of humor and brought an aspect of drama to daily life, shrieking "run for your lives!" when crossing the street with us, pretending to fall asleep at the wheel while driving, sending us off with notebooks to spy on the neighbors, throwing carrots around the kitchen floor to make it look like the Easter Bunny had raided the vegetable drawer.
    Even though the expression of it was sometimes twisted, my mother's incredible generosity has always been inspiring to me, and that's the heart of our relationship.

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