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  1. #6
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    104
    I don't have a daughter yet so I can't really give experience from a mother's perspective, however I think my mum and I have one of the best mother/daughter relationships so I'll tell you how it has worked for us...

    I guess I am lucky that my mum is a fantastic role model, she is the type of women who puts on luncheons for charity's wearing pearls and a Chanel Suit, but an hour later is tossing her leg over a motorbike to round up cattle who have escaped from the holding yards. She's the only 71 year old great grandmother I know to still be flying a helicopter! I hold my mother in the highest regard, I have always admired her ability to hold our family together through thick and thin. She is far from perfect, but she is the image of the mother I want to be to my own children.

    My mum's philosophy has forever been to be open, honest and respectful. Those three fundamental qualities are staples in her parenting, hopefully they are in mine too. She always answered every question I asked, no matter how ugly or embarrassing it was. Nothing was off limits, this made coming to her with my problems so much simpler, I felt at ease because I knew she wouldn't judge.

    Possibly the thing I always admire my mum most for is her ability to always be accessible and approachable. Whatever the problem was, whenever it was, she was on the case. If your daughter is sitting on her bed bawling at 4am go and talk to her, even if you have to get up at 6 the next morning.

    I was at boarding school throughout my teenage years, but I made sure I spoke to my mum every single day, without fail. Our conversations ranged from 5 minutes to 5 hours. Talking to her about my day always made me feel comfortable. She'd be on the phone while I taught her all things Biology in preparation for exams.

    I've been writing this comment for a good 45 minutes... Because I just got off the phone with my mum. This is straight from her mouth, literally it took me 10 minutes to type it to her exact specifications!

    "Be honest, open and respectful. Don't try to be her best friend, be a friend, but also be her mother. Give her your opinions straight out and don't worry if she's mad for a while. Set realistic boundaries, ones that you can manage. Don't be a policewomen. Let her speak, and share her opinions and thoughts. When she has had enough, stop. Never send your daughter to bed fighting with you, make her a cup of tea, hold her hand and talk. Always kiss her goodnight, or at least call her and send virtual hugs. You will never be perfect, try your best, it really is all you can do!" - Sorry she's one of those people who spits our advice very directly... a little too directly sometimes!

    The most important facet of my mum's parenting is her ability to listen and not interrupt. If you listen to anything your daughter has to say, your on the right track I think.

    I'll finish by saying that my mother and I fight, we are so similar that sometimes we can't stand each other, but we know each other's limits and don't step beyond them.

    Hopefully our experience was a little bit helpful....I'm sure you'll be a great mother to a daughter one day!

    Lila.

    P.S. I thought I should mention that my dad is fabulous too, my parents always tag teamed well. They had different idea's on raising kids but they made them work. In the end, after being parents for 50+ years, they are so similar. My dad doesn't wear pearls and Chanel Suits though!
    Last edited by goldielocks; May 15th, 2013 at 10:05 AM.
    Mama to Bugsy William and Jem Richmond.

  2. #8
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    Location
    London, England
    Posts
    5,340
    It looks like GoldieLila and I have the same mum (apart from the helicopter thing)! Everything she said is how my mother has handled me over the years. Being away from my parents (I'm very close with my father too, so it's hard for me to differentiate) was the hardest thing about boarding school, not seeing them every day, so we talked on the phone instead. They've always been open and honest with me (they never lied about Father Christmas and The Tooth Fairy, were always open about death and sex), and wanted to talk to me as a real person with real and valued feelings and opinions. Knowing that I could come to them with whatever I wanted/needed and not being judged was amazing. When I decided God was stupid at age 3, I was allowed to stay at home with my Dad instead of going to church with my Mum and sister, they let me read grown up literature when I was still a child and discussed it with me after (I read Lady Chatterley's Lover the first time when I was eight). They've never pushed their religious or political views on me. I was always loved and appreciated for being me, and that is so wonderful for a child knowing that the way you are is perfect. And my parents always had time for us, they made sure we knew they really liked us as people.

    But the home I grew up in was quite strict as well, we had very clear boundaries. I think that is very important , boundaries is a sign of love as well. I'm not going to say anymore, cause everything Goldie said really applies to me too.

    Goldie, this made me all teary eyed:

    Quote Originally Posted by goldielocks View Post
    "Be honest, open and respectful. Don't try to be her best friend, be a friend, but also be her mother. Give her your opinions straight out and don't worry if she's mad for a while. Set realistic boundaries, ones that you can manage. Don't be a policewomen. Let her speak, and share her opinions and thoughts. When she has had enough, stop. Never send your daughter to bed fighting with you, make her a cup of tea, hold her hand and talk. Always kiss her goodnight, or at least call her and send virtual hugs. You will never be perfect, try your best, it really is all you can do!"
    Last edited by ottilie; May 15th, 2013 at 10:35 AM. Reason: used "as well" one too many times (x three)
    [FONT=Palatino Linotype][CENTER]My darling Marian Illyria Aphrodite, March 2013 & Little Bunny (a girl!) due 9th of February 2014[/CENTER][/FONT]

  3. #10
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    New England
    Posts
    1,910
    Quote Originally Posted by goldielocks View Post
    "Be honest, open and respectful. Don't try to be her best friend, be a friend, but also be her mother. Give her your opinions straight out and don't worry if she's mad for a while. Set realistic boundaries, ones that you can manage. Don't be a policewomen. Let her speak, and share her opinions and thoughts. When she has had enough, stop. Never send your daughter to bed fighting with you, make her a cup of tea, hold her hand and talk. Always kiss her goodnight, or at least call her and send virtual hugs. You will never be perfect, try your best, it really is all you can do!" - Sorry she's one of those people who spits our advice very directly... a little too directly sometimes!
    This is amazing. I don't have a daughter, but I have a fantastic relationship with my mother, and she with hers. The biggest thing about my relationship with my mother is that she never tried to be my friend. I can hear her now... "You have plenty of friends, yo soy Mami." (My mom is the QUEEN of Spanglish...lol) She was always Mami. I think because of that, I was never afraid to come to her about issues. She set those mother / daughter boundaries from the beginning. She would call me out when I was being stupid and making stupid decisions, but also praise me when I did things right. More than anything... she loved me through the good and bad, and even when we fought, I have never, ever, ever doubted that she loved me. I only hope I can be half the mom she is.

    Ok, now I'm crying. Think I'm going to go call my mom
    Zoe Milena
    9/12/14

  4. #12
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    Slytherin Common Room
    Posts
    4,907
    These were all so beautiful and very reassuring, thank you so much.

    A huge thank you to @goldielocks, and her mother for that awesome advice. I really love the best-friend thing, that's a very good way to put it.

    I feel so much calmer now!

    Also, e-hugs to @ottilie and @dindlee.
    Last edited by east93; May 15th, 2013 at 10:23 AM.
    Laurel - 21 - Toronto





  5. #14
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    Slytherin Common Room
    Posts
    4,907
    Quote Originally Posted by c@29 View Post
    My best advice is to not forget what we have passed. We used to be a kid, a tennager. And latter, when we are mothers, we should not forget how we felt as a teenager. We should consider their point of view, their position. Remember how we saw the adult when we were teenagers and what we expected them to do/say. It is easier for us to do so than to force our thought (as an adult/parent) to them.

    I don't have a kid yet (we're in the same age, for God's sake.) so I don't have much to say. I don't have a very poor relationship with my mother but not the best one too. I never approach my mother for any issues, because I don't feel comfortable with it. I once had a childhood trauma and so I never even expect my mother to came to me and help me with my personal issues. But I remember I expect my mother to let me do things with my own way, to understand my wishes and support me, instead of making me do things she believe good for me.

    Next advice is to open up yourself and remember to say sorry when you make a mistake. Don't make it like parents/adults are superior so kids/teenagers must listen to us. Treat them equally, make them your friends but still set some boundaries. That was what my mother did the time we fixed our relationships.
    That's another huge worry of mine: traumatizing my child. I have a fair number of childhood traumas, and ever since I sat in on a trauma workshop and realised how simple the formula for a traumatic experience is, I've been so worried about causing one for children. Both the ones I work with, and the ones I'll hopefully have someday.
    Laurel - 21 - Toronto





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