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  1. #1
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    Nov 2011
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    Creating and having a positive mother/daughter relationship.

    This topic is definitely several years ahead than expected, but such is how my mind works.

    I've been wondering for a long time now how mothers and daughters seem to have such a close, open, positive relationship. I have friends who open up to their mothers about things I'd never even dream of doing with mine.
    My mother and I unfortunately have a very poor relationship, and so does my mother with her own. It seems to be a pattern in our family. Naturally this has led me and my preemptive mind to worry about it happening with me and my daughter someday, as well as wonder how to prevent it.

    I naturally love children, and I'm quite patient with them, so it's not as if it's hard for me to interact with children. However, I think i'm more clueless on how to build a positive relationship with a future daughter.
    I have no sisters, only brothers, so I don't have the female sibling history to help me and I'm not worried about a mother-son relationship as much.

    Ideally, I want my future daughters to approach me with issues like heartbreak, crushes, health issues, beauty tips, social interactions, long-term life choices whatever else teenage girls need advice, input or even just venting sessions on.
    I never went to my mother on majority of these things, so that's the general outcome I'd like to reach. Any advice?

    Children aren't in the forecast for another 6 years, and I won't have a teenager for at least 20 or so years, but I'm a planner, and it's something that's been plaguing my mind for quite some time now. So I figured I might as well get some insight on it.

    Much appreciated.
    Laurel - 21 - Aries - Slytherin - University of Toronto





  2. #3
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
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    491
    I think there is a lot you can do to be proactive about making sure your relationship with your daughter is better than yours is with your own mother.

    Things like taking a class on communication, as well as just doing what you can to be a good parent - reading up on child development and psychology, taking care of yourself mentally, and raising your child with strict but reasonable boundaries and limits will set the stage for a good relationship. And it's important to have good relationships with OTHER people...your child's father or if not, your own partners, friends, etc.

    I think the biggest thing I see cause major problems between mothers and daughters (or parents and children in general) is judgement, and also fear. A lot of times it seems mothers will react strongly and inappropriately out of fear if they think something their child is doing is going to lessen the quality of their life.

    And it's important to think about how you treat and talk to others, outside of your close relationships. A daughter isn't going to be willing to open up to you and talk about crushes or boyfriends if you make comments about women who "go through boyfriends like underwear" or judge other women for being too sexual or "easy". She's not going to tell you about her best friend's addiction or her own experimenting with drugs if you tell her she'll be grounded until she's 30 every time marijuana is mentioned. And she's not going to talk about her friends if you roll your eyes every time she mentions one or criticize their clothes, hair, etc.
    Lillian Elizabeth 6.16.13

  3. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by leadmythoughts View Post
    I think there is a lot you can do to be proactive about making sure your relationship with your daughter is better than yours is with your own mother.

    Things like taking a class on communication, as well as just doing what you can to be a good parent - reading up on child development and psychology, taking care of yourself mentally, and raising your child with strict but reasonable boundaries and limits will set the stage for a good relationship. And it's important to have good relationships with OTHER people...your child's father or if not, your own partners, friends, etc.

    I think the biggest thing I see cause major problems between mothers and daughters (or parents and children in general) is judgement, and also fear. A lot of times it seems mothers will react strongly and inappropriately out of fear if they think something their child is doing is going to lessen the quality of their life.

    And it's important to think about how you treat and talk to others, outside of your close relationships. A daughter isn't going to be willing to open up to you and talk about crushes or boyfriends if you make comments about women who "go through boyfriends like underwear" or judge other women for being too sexual or "easy". She's not going to tell you about her best friend's addiction or her own experimenting with drugs if you tell her she'll be grounded until she's 30 every time marijuana is mentioned. And she's not going to talk about her friends if you roll your eyes every time she mentions one or criticize their clothes, hair, etc.
    You made some excellent points and reminders, especially the bolded part. I don't think people realise how much those types of actions can affect relationships with others close to them.
    Laurel - 21 - Aries - Slytherin - University of Toronto





  4. #7
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
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    3,168
    My best advice is to not forget what we have passed. We used to be a kid, a tennager. And latter, when we are mothers, we should not forget how we felt as a teenager. We should consider their point of view, their position. Remember how we saw the adult when we were teenagers and what we expected them to do/say. It is easier for us to do so than to force our thought (as an adult/parent) to them.

    I don't have a kid yet (we're in the same age, for God's sake.) so I don't have much to say. I don't have a very poor relationship with my mother but not the best one too. I never approach my mother for any issues, because I don't feel comfortable with it. I once had a childhood trauma and so I never even expect my mother to came to me and help me with my personal issues. But I remember I expect my mother to let me do things with my own way, to understand my wishes and support me, instead of making me do things she believe good for me.

    Next advice is to open up yourself and remember to say sorry when you make a mistake. Don't make it like parents/adults are superior so kids/teenagers must listen to us. Treat them equally, make them your friends but still set some boundaries. That was what my mother did the time we fixed our relationships.
    Call me Cynthia, Angie, or Luna. 22. Name nerd.

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  5. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by c@29 View Post
    My best advice is to not forget what we have passed. We used to be a kid, a tennager. And latter, when we are mothers, we should not forget how we felt as a teenager. We should consider their point of view, their position. Remember how we saw the adult when we were teenagers and what we expected them to do/say. It is easier for us to do so than to force our thought (as an adult/parent) to them.

    I don't have a kid yet (we're in the same age, for God's sake.) so I don't have much to say. I don't have a very poor relationship with my mother but not the best one too. I never approach my mother for any issues, because I don't feel comfortable with it. I once had a childhood trauma and so I never even expect my mother to came to me and help me with my personal issues. But I remember I expect my mother to let me do things with my own way, to understand my wishes and support me, instead of making me do things she believe good for me.

    Next advice is to open up yourself and remember to say sorry when you make a mistake. Don't make it like parents/adults are superior so kids/teenagers must listen to us. Treat them equally, make them your friends but still set some boundaries. That was what my mother did the time we fixed our relationships.
    That's another huge worry of mine: traumatizing my child. I have a fair number of childhood traumas, and ever since I sat in on a trauma workshop and realised how simple the formula for a traumatic experience is, I've been so worried about causing one for children. Both the ones I work with, and the ones I'll hopefully have someday.
    Laurel - 21 - Aries - Slytherin - University of Toronto





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