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  1. #11
    Quote Originally Posted by missusaytch View Post
    I think flick was referring to this:

    "I guess I just feel a little angry at all these young mothers that don't have a stable income or emotional support necessary to support a baby, and I don't want to feel like I'm the oldest mother when I go to my future childrens school events and things."

    That was... a little bit nasty. LOL!

    Look, I'm 33 and I just started TTC. That's late. To you, it is "old." Haha!

    This "let's wait til we have advanced degrees and a six-figure income" attitude toward child-bearing, you must understand, is quite recent in the evolution of our culture. My mom had me when she was 18. She didn't get pregnant until well after she was married. She was barely 17 when she married. My mother came from a middle class family - not at all rich, but they owned a home and had cars and my grandfather worked and everyone was educated and had all their teeth.

    My mom had four kids by the time she was 28. My best friend, one of those unweed teen moms you're upset about, is 29 and has four. She's a fantastic mother and her kids are amazing. There are lots of wonderful moms who do not have awesome careers outside the home. I've got no beef with working mothers, but my good friend with four kids - they lead a pretty simple lifestyle and aren't able to spend a lot, but they survive on Dad's income. Mom stays home.

    You cannot judge a mother based on age. You just can't. That's where you touched a nerve with your post. My mom by all accounts was a good mother at age 18 - and I think I turned out ok - and I have seen really crappy moms in their 30s. No doubt older mothers are more mature, but this doesn't always translate into being an awesome mother.

    Now as for your question: your body has this biological imperative. Your "biological clock." You want to reproduce because you were designed to. You're phrasing it like an intellectual question, and in a way it is, but you must understand that if you CHOOSE to wait until you're in your 30s, you gain things, but you also give things up.

    I didn't wait 'til I was 33 because I wanted to have three degrees and a fancy job and a big house. My husband and I are those un-degreed college-dropout people you hear about on the news bathing in buckets in the front yard. (Kidding.) I waited b/c I wanted to be married to the right person. And in my 20s I was sort of partying, so there's that.

    I know I'll be the oldest mom at the pre-school, especially if I continue to living in the South (and I hope I do). I don't care. I don't think you really care, either. I think you just want a baby really badly and you're rethinking your decision to wait another decade or so before you have one. That's a perfectly normal human feeling to have.

    It seems like a lot of us feel a sense of shame about our desire to have kids nowadays. I know I did. I felt like I was supposed to want a career way more. And if you do, that's fine. But I never did, and I felt like I was kind of primitive and gross for it, and I got that attidue from other young "hip" professional women, who seemed to think feminism means shaming women who don't think success and money are more important than motherhood.

    You're still in college and not married so you have some time to make the decision about what you want to do first. And whatever decision you make, you'll expect people to be cool about it, so you should be the same way about other moms.

    Best of luck to you.

    Thank you, you obviously said this WAY better than I was able to. I feel like I am one of the youngest mothers here on nameberry, so I admit to getting overly touchy when the subject comes up. >_<

  2. #13
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Posts
    299
    Well said MrsH

    In my area, I am 5-10 years younger than most of my mom friends. It isn't really a big deal except sometimes I feel like I don't really have peers since they are in a different life place than I am but ultimately, it is our ability to laugh together, support each other, and so on that makes us friends, more so than our age. I like having friends of all ages so I don't see it as a negative thing at all. I still have very dear friends my age as well.

    Jojo, you will make new friends in the next decade too so hopefully you will have a nice assortment of ages and life experiences amongst your friends. I wouldn't feel bad about having a baby at 30 though at all. That was actually originally my plan! But as others have said, age does not necessarily make someone a better parent/ more responsible person.
    Mama to my dear little bear <3

  3. #15
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    new mexico
    Posts
    50
    Hi ladies,

    I can relate. I've moved to a rural area of New Mexico, am 27 and am due any day now (fingers crossed!! ) with my first. I actually had a young lady come up to me in the market, ask me if this was my first baby, and when I replied it was, she said "wow, you're old for just having your first now!" haha it gave me kind of a chuckle. You have to have some humor with these things. The reality is, in this area, I am the "old mom." Most people my age in this community have 2 or 3 kids. However, most of my college friends and family are back in New York (where I grew up) and I'm considered one of the "young ones" having a baby, in a group of ladies who are in their early to mid 30's.

    There can be "good" moms and "bad" moms at any age. I personally am SO HAPPY I waited until 27 to have my first, as I'm in a much more stable place, educationally, financially, emotionally, in my marriage, etc. But that was the best choice for me and I've known many moms who are much younger and doing a fantastic job. It's hard to be a woman these days because I think we're expected to make this incredibly hard choice of baby vs education/career. and no matter what choice we make, there are always people who disagree and are offended by our decisions.

    I didn't find the OPs comment to be offensive. It seems like she might have touched an existing nerve for those who have been judged in the past, but it seems some of the reactions are a bit strong and the personal attacks are unneeded. My husband and I are ALWAYS the oldest people in the waiting room at the OB, and I too find it sad and disturbing when I see very, very young moms who are clearly overwhelmed with their situations. I remember when I was 18 and all I had to worry about was waking up on time for my morning classes and which outfit to wear to the party that night. I'm sure most of the younger moms are wonderful parents, but having kids is a tremendous responsibility and one I am happy that I am not facing until I'm ready.

    OP, try not to stress and live your life in the way that works best for you, because in the end, that's all that matters.

    good luck to you =)
    proud mama to Aniella Juniper 5.10.13

  4. #17
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Location
    Texas
    Posts
    982
    No problem, flick. I like yr blog. :-)

  5. #19
    Quote Originally Posted by missusaytch View Post
    No problem, flick. I like yr blog. :-)
    Thanks! It needs an update, though. >_<

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